Have you got a joke (clean) worse than mine!

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Re: Have you got a joke (clean) worse than mine!

Postby Lady of Mystery » Wed Dec 17, 2014 12:24 pm



A mexican magician anounces to his audience that he'll vanish on the count of 3...

"Uno, dos" *poof*, he vanished without a tres

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Re: Have you got a joke (clean) worse than mine!

Postby Mandrake » Wed Dec 17, 2014 1:01 pm

My Mother-In-Law just told me my Christmas present this year will be something from the local Farm Shop.
I was all excited until I remembered it's a sewage farm.....

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Re: Have you got a joke (clean) worse than mine!

Postby Mandrake » Thu Jan 15, 2015 6:10 pm

I spent all day today slicing bananas thinly, dipping them in milk and flour then frying them in deep fat. I guess I just frittered the day away......

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Re: Have you got a joke (clean) worse than mine!

Postby magicdiscoman » Thu Jan 15, 2015 6:22 pm

I burnt 100 calories today without leaving my armchair.






I set fire to a banana he he.

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Re: Have you got a joke (clean) worse than mine!

Postby Mandrake » Mon Jan 26, 2015 10:19 pm

I think the word 'Boo' is very powerful. For instance, if you throw a meringue away but want it to come back......

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Re: Have you got a joke (clean) worse than mine!

Postby Discombobulator » Fri Apr 17, 2015 7:07 pm

Cameron and Milliband meet with a terrible accident and both end up at the pearly gates to be greeted by St. Peter.
Peter says they have two days to decide if they want to go to heaven or hell. They must spend a day in each before they decide.
First day they are transported to hell where the sun is shining and they meet lots of old politicians, play golf, drink brandy and everyone is being very friendly.
Second day they are in heaven where the just bounce around on clouds eating and drinking healthy stuff and smiling at everyone.
Third day they are asked to make their choice. They both choose hell.
When they arrive at hell for the second time it has all changed. Fires, floods, no food or drink and everyone is angry.
They ask the devil, "what changed ?"
He said, "two days ago you saw a view of hell before you cast your vote. Now you have cast your vote I'm afraid the promises could not be met. You have to live with it for the next five years."

¿ sɹoɹɹıɯ ʎq ǝuop ןןɐ sʇı
"who? no I dont know him", Derren Brown
"no idea who he is !", Kenton Knepper
"Is he a magician ?", Penn&Teller
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Re: Have you got a joke (clean) worse than mine!

Postby MrCat » Sat Jul 25, 2015 10:06 am

What time does Sean Connery go to Wimbledon?

"About tennish".

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Re: Have you got a joke (clean) worse than mine!

Postby Mandrake » Thu Oct 08, 2015 3:02 pm

She leaned over and whispered into his ear, "Talk dirty to me". "OK", he said, "Volkswagen diesel"......

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Re: Have you got a joke (clean) worse than mine!

Postby FTHO » Sat Oct 10, 2015 10:41 am

I heard this one from Christopher Taylor, and hope he doesn't mind me sharing here:

Did you know that Chuck Norris once went to a magic show? The magician asked for a volunteer for his disappearing act. Chuck Norris raised his hand and the magician disappeared.

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Re: Have you got a joke (clean) worse than mine!

Postby Mandrake » Sat Oct 10, 2015 4:17 pm

and if you like Chuck Norris jokes (who would dare admit they don't?) see ftopic25504.php#p248083" target="_blank

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Re: Have you got a joke (clean) worse than mine!

Postby Mandrake » Mon Oct 19, 2015 10:26 pm

I did 18 holes in 108 this morning but I only put 68 on my scorecard. I was playing Volkswagen Golf....

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Re: Have you got a joke (clean) worse than mine!

Postby Mandrake » Sun May 08, 2016 4:07 pm

Recently a herd of cows discovered a field of cannabis which they ate and became very merry indeed. Even though they were relocated many miles away they kept returning to the field time and time again - apparently it was a case of the pot calling the cattle back........

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Re: Have you got a joke (clean) worse than mine!

Postby FTHO » Sun May 08, 2016 9:44 pm

Mandrake wrote:Recently a herd of cows discovered a field of cannabis which they ate and became very merry indeed. Even though they were relocated many miles away they kept returning to the field time and time again - apparently it was a case of the pot calling the cattle back........


I love this!

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Re: Have you got a joke (clean) worse than mine!

Postby FTHO » Sun May 08, 2016 9:46 pm

I heard this on the radio a couple of months ago... I've been using it a lot, but it seems that only people from certain parts of the UK get it.

The other day I bought a present for my invisible friend...
... he was made up!

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Re: Have you got a joke (clean) worse than mine!

Postby Mandrake » Wed Nov 09, 2016 11:17 pm

A bit late but at least it refers to magic and won't influence the electorate.....


    Donald and Hillary Go Into A Bakery on the Campaign Trail. As soon as they enter the bakery, Hillary steals three pastries and puts them in her pocket.

    She says to Donald, "See how clever I am? The owner didn't see anything and I don't need to lie. I will definitely win the election".

    Then Donald says to Hillary, "That's the typical dishonesty you have displayed throughout your entire life, trickery and deceit. I am going to show you an honest way to get the same result."

    Donald goes to the owner of the bakery and says, "Give me a pastry and I will show you a magic trick." Intrigued, the owner accepts and gives him a pastry.

    Trump swallows it and asks for another one. The owner gives him another one. Then Donald asks for a third pastry and eats that too. The owner is starting to wonder where the magic trick is and asks, "What did you do with the pastries?"

    Trump replies, "Look in Hillary's pocket."


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