Have you got a joke (clean) worse than mine!

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Have you got a joke (clean) worse than mine!

Postby Stephen Ward » May 22nd, '06, 23:16



I was out the other day and i saw a man hitting a brillo pad with a hammer. I asked what he doing and he said he was looking for the way to 'Hammer Brillo' :lol:

(this will mean nothing to our international friends will it!)

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Postby trickyricky » May 22nd, '06, 23:34

Ha! Thats a classic!

and, no.....they wont!

My favourite is still What do you call a man with a pack of cards on his head? Dec!

I was born with Multiple Personality Disorder. Luckily, they are all me, they just dont always get along...
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Postby grum7n7 » May 23rd, '06, 00:13

wanna hear a clean joke??..."george is taking a bath with bubbles"




wanna hear a dirty joke??..."bubbles is the girl next door"

:D


sorry i just had to because it said "clean jokes" so it remined me of this clean joke gone dirty :D

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Postby IAIN » May 23rd, '06, 07:43

what's black and white and read (red) all over?

a penguin with a nosebleed, or for variation a nun with multiple stab-wounds...

ah a classic 'out'....most people will say newspaper if they know the old joke...

you could probably tell the same joke over and over, just come up with alternatives, zebra with stigmata and so on...

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Postby Tomo » May 23rd, '06, 08:04

Two snowmen in a field. One says to the other, "can you smell carrots?"

Two parrots on a perch. One says to the other, "can you smell fish?"

Two... eh? Okay officer. I'll come quietly.

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Postby trickyricky » May 23rd, '06, 08:17

abraxus wrote:you could probably tell the same joke over and over, just come up with alternatives, zebra with stigmata and so on...


Magpie chewing razor blades! Gotta love them jokes!

A guy falls down a well and his mate runs to his rescue. Gets to the top of the well and shouts down 'Are you alright? Is it dark down there?'. And he shouts up 'I dont know, i cant see'



....sorry....

I was born with Multiple Personality Disorder. Luckily, they are all me, they just dont always get along...
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Postby magicdiscoman » May 23rd, '06, 08:35

i saw rewntaghost last night so this might be copyright but....
a dawarf medium escaped prison last night and police are looking for...
a small medium at large. :shock:
also from qi whats brown and sticky... a stick.

three deaf ladies sitting at a table with there hands under the table.. what are they doing... :oops: to rude. :lol:

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Postby Stephen Ward » May 23rd, '06, 08:39

Great work guys keep it up. I want one really bad.

Two drunks in a pub toilet

Drunk 1: Here mate do you know the difference between toilet paper and a roller towel.

Drunk 2: No!

Drunk 1: So it was you then you dirty man :lol:

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Postby IAIN » May 23rd, '06, 09:46

two nuns in a car travelling back late at night during a bad thunder storm...
as they take a short cut, just past a graveyard they see a figure in the near-darkness, they stop and look...only to see that it is a dah dah dah vampire; who snarls at them menacingly...

The driving nun turns to the other and says "Sister Margaret, jump out and show your cross!" The other nun nods and leaps out of the car waving her fists at the undead shouting "b*gg*r off vampire!!!"

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Postby trickyricky » May 23rd, '06, 10:04

Its long, but its so bad!


There was once a bus conductor, and he had really bad anger management problems, One day a woman on the bus refused to pay the fare. Well, the bus conductor got so angry he killed her. He was tried and sentenced to death by the electric chair.

The day for his execution came, and they took him out of his cell and brought him to the chair. The guard said, "Have you any last requests?"

The man replied, "Yes, I'd like an unripe green banana, please."

So they got him an unripe green banana, and he peeled it, ate it, and threw the skin away, and they strapped him to the chair.

"Are you ready?" they asked.

"Yes," he said.

And they hit the switch. And nothing happened. So he was taken back to his cell.

The guards rewired the chair and tested it a few times, and it worked perfectly. They brought the man back and said, "Have you any last requests?"

The man replied, "Yes, I'd like an unripe green banana, please."

So they got him an unripe green banana, and he peeled it, ate it, and threw the skin away, and they strapped him to the chair.

"Are you ready?" they asked.

"Yes," he said.

And they hit the switch. And nothing happened. So he was taken back to his cell.

Well, the guards bought a brand new electric chair. This one was amazing: leather seats, gold-plated armrests studded with rubies, the works. It was an incredible sight.

They brought the man back and asked, "Have you any last requests?"

The man replied, "Yes, I'd like an unripe green banana, please."

So they got him an unripe green banana, and he peeled it, ate it, and threw the skin away, and they strapped him to the chair.

"Are you ready?" they asked.

"Yes," he said.

And they hit the switch. And nothing happened.

Now, in this particular state, there was a law that if someone survived the electric chair three times, he must be set free. So the man was released, and as soon as he stepped out of the prison, the press was all over him. He walked through the crowd and the flashing cameras until he saw a small man who asked, "Have you discovered some miraculous phenomenon of unripe green bananas?"

"No," he replied, "I've just always been a bad conductor."

I was born with Multiple Personality Disorder. Luckily, they are all me, they just dont always get along...
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Postby Beardy » May 23rd, '06, 13:46

lol! classic! I'll post another long one later (a joke that is...why? what did you think I meant? ewwww! That's disgusting you sick sick sicko!)

i have work now :P

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Chris
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Postby moonbeam » May 23rd, '06, 15:40

I know u said clean jokes but I just couldn't resist this 1 (it's not too bad honest :? )


One day The Lord spoke to Adam. "I've got some good news and some bad news," The Lord said.

Adam looked at The Lord and replied, "Well, give me the good news first."

Smiling, The Lord explained, "I've got two new organs for you, one is called a brain. It will allow you to create new things, solve problems, and have intelligent conversations with Eve. The other organ I have for you is called a penis. It will give you great physical pleasure and allow you to reproduce your now intelligent life form and populate this planet. Eve will be very happy that you now have this organ to give her children."

Adam, very excited, exclaimed, "These are great gifts you have given to me. What could possibly be bad news after such great tidings?"

The Lord looked upon Adam and said with great sorrow, "You will never be able to use these two gifts at the same time."


...... sound familiar anyone ??

QUESTION:
If we can sue McDonalds for making us fat and cigarette companies for giving us cancer; why can't we sue Smirnoff for all the ugly gits we've sh*gged ??
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Postby mark_c1975 » May 23rd, '06, 15:49

Q: What's brown and sticky?

A: A stick.

Now for a topical one...

There's an accident down a gold mine, and one of the miners gets his leg trapped. He is rushed to the hospital with his friend, and has to have his leg amputated.
'That's me done for,' he says to his mate, 'who's going to want a one-legged gold-digger now?'
'Well,' says his mate, 'you could always try Paul McCartney!'

:lol:

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Postby dat8962 » May 23rd, '06, 18:54

Talking of Paul McCartney, I hear that he bought his missus a plane as part of his divorce settlement. He got her a razor for her other leg!

but seriously, I though the Hammer Brillo one at the start was poor, particularly after the recent death of Gene Pitney and all of the problems they had arranging his funeral.

Apparently they were given the choice of having to wait three weeks for an oak coffin, or only 24 hours from Balsa

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Postby moonbeam » May 23rd, '06, 19:20

dat8962 wrote:Talking of Paul McCartney, I hear that he bought his missus a plane as part of his divorce settlement. He got her a razor for her other leg!
.....oh dear lol :lol:


dat8962 wrote:but seriously, I though the Hammer Brillo one at the start was poor, particularly after the recent death of Gene Pitney and all of the problems they had arranging his funeral.

Apparently they were given the choice of having to wait three weeks for an oak coffin, or only 24 hours from Balsa
...... just when I thought they couldn't get worse lol :shock:

QUESTION:
If we can sue McDonalds for making us fat and cigarette companies for giving us cancer; why can't we sue Smirnoff for all the ugly gits we've sh*gged ??
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