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Is it terribly sad that I find these joke hillarious?

I think it would only be sad if you thought you had to pretend not to like them because the "cool" kids thougth it was sad.

I don't know how many of you receive the Pop Bitch mailing every Thursday, but here's a clean version of this week's Old Joke:

A door to door salesman knocks at a house. The door's opened by an 8-year-old boy, dressed in his mum's stockings, suspenders, bra, knickers and heels, with a brandy in one hand and a cigar in the other.

"Hello," says the salesman. "Is your mum in?"

"Does it ****ing look like it?" asks the boy.


Well, it had me laughing like a drain...!

EDIT: I wrote this really quickly - subsequently edited for spelling!

Tomo wrote:I think it would only be sad if you thought you had to pretend not to like them because the "cool" kids thougth it was sad.

I was never 'cool' I just like to keep my nerd-ness in check

Tomo wrote:"Does it ****ing look like it?" asks the boy.

Good joke. I remember reading it at the Magic Circle jerk, back in the day...

Anyway - why are pirates called pirates?


Because they ARRRRR!

An irishman walks into a bar in London and orders three pints of guiness, takes them to a table and proceeds to drink them by sipping from each one in turn. The barman thinks this is a bit strange as by the time he gets half way through all three are flat and not worth drinking, but the Irishman sees them away and leaves. The next day hes back for more and the strange ritual carries on like this day after day.

Every day the barman's curiosity increases until finally he asks the Irishman why he drinks like this.
"Well, I'm one of a set of triplets, all brothers. We were really close as kids and used to enjoy drinking together so when work split us up we swore to drink like this every day and remember each other."
The barman thus satisfied pours the drinks.

This continues until the Irishman comes in and orders only two pints.
"I'm very sorry for your loss sir" says the barman.
The Irishman looks confused and asks what the barman means.
"You only ordered two pints, I presumed one of your brothers had passed away."
"No" said the Irishman, "It's just I've been told by the Doctor to give up drinking!"

I've only just got here, and now I think I should leave

A man is in a terrible car crash, and suffers from brain damage. Whilst he's at the hospital receiving treatment, all his friends and family come to visit.

A doctor turns up and says to them "I'm terribly sorry, but without a brain transplant, this man will never wake up".
Obviously the family are distraught, but enquire into this brain transplant.
"Well it's very new" says the doctor, "and therefore, terribly expensive. If you want a male brain, it will cost you £1000, but if you want a female brain it will cost you £10,000"
Now obviously, all the women sit there giggling to themselves until one of them boldly asks, quite proudly, "Please do tell us doctor, why it is that female brains are so much more expensive than male brains?" as she grins away.
"Well...." replies the doctor "The female brain is new. The male brain has been used!"


Oh dear oh dear


Still. Not as bad as this one.



*SICK JOKE ALERT - DO NOT READ IF YOU ARE EASILY OFFENDED*

A man is sitting at home one night when the phone starts ringing. He answers and a voice says "Hello. Is this John Smith?". John replies, "yes, this is he".

The man on the phone says, "I'm a doctor from the local hospital and I'm terribly sorry... I have some good news and some bad news for you. The bad news is that your wife was ain a car crash and has suffred massive brain damage. She'll be a vegetable for the rest of her life and will need constant 24 hour care. You'll have to wash her, sit in with her in the toilet and even feed her"
John, close to tears says "That's terrible! What's the good news?!"
The doctor replies "I'm only joking. She's dead"


*potters off to hang self*

I hear that Kate moss isn't speaking to Mick Jagger anymore. He saw her lying on the floor after she had tripped over, but he would not pick her up because a Rolling Stone gathers no moss

New George Michael book now out. Available in pop-up

Pass my coat please Mandrake

The good news: Wayne Rooney has received a cortisone injection and will play on Saturday.

The bad news: After hearing this, David Beckham says he's not playing unless he gets a new car too.

As we're into the holiday season, two for the price of one:

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Did you hear about the guy with two left feet going on holiday? He bought himself a pair of Flip-Flips.

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Siamese twins called into the Travel Agents and asked the assistant to book a ferry to France as they were going on holiday. 'Why France?' said the assistant. 'Cos my brother likes to drive occasionally', came the reply.

i'll give you the punchline and you can work out the joke itself....

"the genie misheard me and thought i asked for a 12 inch pianist..."

Mandrake wrote:Siamese twins called into the Travel Agents and asked the assistant to book a ferry to France as they were going on holiday. 'Why France?' said the assistant. 'Cos my brother likes to drive occasionally', came the reply.

Tee hee. Woody Allen joke (as a psychiatrist):

I have to be back in town soon. I'm treating two pairs of identical twins for split personalities. I'm getting paid by eight people!

Prince Charles was due to visit Dudley to open a new branch of Toys R Us or, as they call it, Toys 'M We. The Lord High Sherriff of Warwickshire arrived at Birmingham Airport ready to meet and greet him off his plane but was astonished to see that when Price Charles came down the steps, he was wearing a sort of Davy Crocket Hat with a magnificent tail hanging down the back. Being a tactful sort of chap and not wishing to endanger his Pension Plan, the Sherriff didn't comment on it and the day went on as scheduled, opening the store, shaking hands and so on. On the way back to the airport in the official Rolls, the Sherriff could contain his curiosity no more and casually asked the Prince about the unusual headgear. 'Ah', said the Prince, ' it was all Camilla's idea. When we were having breakfast this morning she asked where I was going today and I said 'Dudley' and she said, 'Dudley, Dudley? Wear the fox hat.'

OK, heading for the cloakroom right now.....

How to Tell the Sex of a Fly

A woman walked into the kitchen to find her husband stalking around with a
fly swatter.
"What are you doing?" She asked.
"Hunting Flies" He responded.
"Oh. Killing any?" She asked.
"Yep, 3 males, 2 Females," he replied.
Intrigued, she asked. "How can you tell them apart?"
He responded, "3 were on a beer can, 2 were on the phone."

and...

A guy was sitting in the bar at Heathrow Terminal 3 and noticed a really beautiful woman sitting next to him. He thought to himself:
"Wow, she's so gorgeous she must be a flight attendant. I wonder which airline she works for ? "

Hoping to pick her up, he leaned towards her and uttered the Delta Airline slogan, "Love to fly and it shows ? "

She gave him a blank, confused stare and he immediately thought to himself:"Well, she obviously doesn't work for Delta."

A moment later, another slogan popped into his head, so he leaned towards her again and said, "Something special in the air ?"

She gave him the same confused look, and he mentally kicked himself, while scratching Singapore Airlines off the list.

He thought "Perhaps she works for Thai Airways.." and said, " Smooth as Silk ?"

This time the woman turned on him and said, "What the F*** do you want ? "

The man smiled, slumped back in his chair, and said - "Ahhhhh, RyanAir !"

---> Got these jokes from a friend via email. Not sure if they are any good as I don't really get meny jokes but thought I would share them with you.