talkmagic.co.uk

Whats green and has got wheels?


Grass. I lied about the wheels.

They caught the guy who stole my advent calendar.....he got 25 days!

Mrs.M always complains that I never take her anywhere so I've booked the best table for us both on New year's Eve. It'll probably all end in tears, she's hopeless at snooker.....

Why did Father Christmas have to tell off one of his elves?
Because he was goblin his Christmas dinner!

What's the difference between marmalade and jam?

You can't marmalade your c....

Oh this is clean jokes only! Damn it's my favourite too!!

Much love

Aza

My nephew asked for an X Box for Christmas. I had a look at them and saw what an awful price they were. So I thought about what I got for Christmas when I was his age. I remembered getting an Etch a Sketch and decided that this was what I would buy him.

After all, you have to draw the line somewhere............

A magician on a ship keeps getting his tricks ruined by the captains parrot. Whenever he performs for guests the parrot shouts out, "it's in his pocket" or "he's switched the deck." One day the the ship gets into difficulty and sinks. The magician and the parrot end up clinging to some drift wood together. The parrot refuses to speak to the magician and won't even look at him. After four days adrift the parrot sighs and says, " ok, I give up. Where's the ship!"

K

Topical.....

To eat or not eat a Tesco burger? That is equestrian.
I hate to think what is in Tesco's slush puppies.
It would seem the managers at Tesco are compulsive gamblers. They've lost over 300 million pounds in 24 hours on the horses. (shares dropped by £300M)
Took me ages to find the burgers in Tesco this morning. They were down by the carrots.
HMV vouchers now being accepted at Tesco. Just tell them HMV means Horse Meat Voucher
Just been to Tesco and bought a bottle of Bacardi, a bottle of Lamb's and some burgers. So that's white rum, navy rum and Red Rum.
A cow walks into a bar. Barman says 'why the long face?' Cow says 'Illegal ingredients, coming over here stealing our jobs!'
I've heard that Tesco's meatballs are the dog's danglies
Tesco Quarter Pounders: The affordable way to buy your daughter the pony that she's always wanted!
I had some burgers from Tesco for my tea last night.... I still have a bit between my teeth.
I've found it tough lately working on the Tesco meat counter.... I feel like I'm flogging a dead horse.
I selected some burgers on the Tesco website... I then clicked on "add to cart"
Tesco's veggie burgers are being tested for traces of uniquorn.
I think someone may be sending me death threats. Woke up this morning with a Tesco burger on my pillow.
Checked my Tesco burgers in the fridge... ...and they're off.

Also topical....

A government warning said that anyone travelling in icy conditions should take a shovel, blankets or sleeping bag, extra clothing including a scarf hat, gloves, and wear stout shoes or boots. Also take a 24 hour supply of food and drink, a de-icer, rock salt, torch & spare batteries. In addition they should take a Safety triangle, tow rope, a full petrol can, first aid kit & jump leads... I looked a right prat on the bus this morning.......

Another one...

At one time Tesco used to shout loudly about their burgers but lately they've gone a little hoarse....

Here's one I invented:

Where does Satan get most of his Christmas mail from?

Dyslexic children

Which side of a robin has the most feathers?

The outside.

Q: How many comedians does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Two. One to change the bulb, and one to say, "It should have been me up there".

I went into a fast food place yesterday and asked for a burger.
The assistant asked I wanted anything on it.
I said £5 each way !

I hear that all this week Tesco are offering treble Clubcard points when you buy any petrol and burgers - apparently it's called 'Only Fuels and Horses'...