Have you got a joke (clean) worse than mine!

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Re: Have you got a joke (clean) worse than mine!

Postby Mandrake » Apr 5th, '13, 14:21



Following the recent discovery of the remains of King Richard under a public car park in Leicester, archaeologists are now digging up Tesco's car park looking for his horse....

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Re: Have you got a joke (clean) worse than mine!

Postby Mandrake » Apr 5th, '13, 14:56

In a bid to be as politically correct as possible, the BBC show Blue Peter has taken on a new presenter who has recently had surgery to change from male to female. The surgeon who performed the procedure was on the show to do the introduction saying, 'and here's one I made girlier.....'

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Re: Have you got a joke (clean) worse than mine!

Postby MatCult » Apr 8th, '13, 10:34

Mandrake wrote:In a bid to be as politically correct as possible, the BBC show Blue Peter has taken on a new presenter who has recently had surgery to change from male to female. The surgeon who performed the procedure was on the show to do the introduction saying, 'and here's one I made girlier.....'

:lol: Actual lol.

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Re: Have you got a joke (clean) worse than mine!

Postby I.D » Apr 10th, '13, 12:57

A blonde was driving through down country lanes and either side of her all she could was grass fields as far as the eye could see. After a while she pulled over as she saw something strange. She got out of the car and in the middle of the field was 2nd blonde, in a rowing boat, trying to use the paddles but going nowhere. Confused, the 1st blonde approaches the road side and shouts out “What are you doing?” the 2nd blonde replies “What do you think? I’m trying to cross the river!”.
Annoyed, the 1st blonde shouts back “you know what!! It’s dumb blondes like you that give us blondes a bad name!! And you know what else? If I could swim, I’d come out there and kick your ass!”

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Re: Have you got a joke (clean) worse than mine!

Postby UpstartMagician » May 11th, '13, 07:20

Did you hear what happened to that magician in California? He was walking down the street and turned into a bar. :)

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Re: Have you got a joke (clean) worse than mine!

Postby Discombobulator » May 16th, '13, 01:53

A termite walks in to a bar and asks, "is the bar tender here?"

¿ sɹoɹɹıɯ ʎq ǝuop ןןɐ sʇı
"who? no I dont know him", Derren Brown
"no idea who he is !", Kenton Knepper
"Is he a magician ?", Penn&Teller
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Re: Have you got a joke (clean) worse than mine!

Postby Mandrake » Aug 6th, '13, 10:35

A photon checks into a hotel and the porter asks him if he has any luggage. The photon replies: "No, I'm travelling light."

Pavlov is enjoying a pint in the pub. The phone rings. He jumps up andshouts: "Hell, I forgot to feed the dog!"

When I heard that oxygen and magnesium hooked up I was like OMg.

A Buddhist monk approaches a hotdog stand and says: "Make me one with everything".

An Englishman, a Frenchman, a Spaniard and a German are walking down the street together. A magician is performing on the street but there are so many people that the four men can't see the performer. So he goes on top of a platform and asks: "Can you see me now?" The four men answer: "Yes." "Oui." "Si." "Ja."

Never trust an atom. They make up everything.

How many programmers does it take to change a light bulb? None, it's a hardware problem.

A Roman walks into a bar, holds up two fingers, and says: "Five beers, please." (Think about it!)

A classics professor goes to a tailor to get his trousers mended. The tailor asks: "Euripides?" The professor replies: "Yes. Eumenides?"

A programmer's wife tells him: "Run to the store and pick up a loaf of bread. If they have eggs, get a dozen." The programmer comes home with 12 loaves of bread.

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Re: Have you got a joke (clean) worse than mine!

Postby fiftytwo » Aug 7th, '13, 08:54

The sign on the music shop door said "Closed. Bach in 5 minutes. Offenbach sooner."

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Re: Have you got a joke (clean) worse than mine!

Postby Tomo » Aug 21st, '13, 09:11

I got scammed on eBay this week. I bought a CD by The Cure, but when it arrived it was just Placebo.

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Re: Have you got a joke (clean) worse than mine!

Postby shuffleshuffle » Aug 29th, '13, 16:28

Whats green and has got wheels?

Grass. I lied about the wheels.

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Re: Have you got a joke (clean) worse than mine!

Postby Mandrake » Oct 4th, '13, 14:11

My Wife and I were in the supermarket today and noticed they've started selling Halloween costumes. It was taking Mrs M ages to pick something so I said to her, 'Clowns to the left Jokers to the right here I am stuck in Lidl with you'...

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funny one liner...

Postby Discombobulator » Dec 13th, '13, 18:08

Magician: I am now taking bookings for twenty-fifteen.

Client: wow you must have a very full order book ?

Magician: No, £20.15 is actually £5 cheaper than I normally charge.

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"who? no I dont know him", Derren Brown
"no idea who he is !", Kenton Knepper
"Is he a magician ?", Penn&Teller
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Re: funny one liner...

Postby Mandrake » Dec 13th, '13, 18:26

One of Tim Vine's:

    "You know, I'm not very good at magic - I can only do half of a trick. Yes - I'm a member of the Magic Semi-circle"


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Re: Have you got a joke (clean) worse than mine!

Postby Discombobulator » Jan 23rd, '14, 21:44

Did you see that AA van outside? The driver was sitting there with his head in his hands and it looked like he was crying.
I thought, "that man is heading for a breakdown !"

¿ sɹoɹɹıɯ ʎq ǝuop ןןɐ sʇı
"who? no I dont know him", Derren Brown
"no idea who he is !", Kenton Knepper
"Is he a magician ?", Penn&Teller
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Re: Have you got a joke (clean) worse than mine!

Postby Mandrake » Oct 21st, '14, 22:16

Crikey - almost 9 months without a good joke being posted here? Well, this one won't change that at all:

    A guy told the doctor that he thought he was a deck of cards.
    The doctor just said, "Go sit over there. I'll deal with you later."
Like I said, no change here....

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