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Tomo wrote:Our dog is very neurotic. I blame myself for calling him Stay.

Ours is called "Yapper" & he does.

My daughter likes telling jokes but often doesn't realise why they're funny. That doesn't stop her repeating them though. The other day on the way home from school she asked me, "How do you make Lady Gaga cross?" and I had heard the joke but didn't want to spoil it so I said "I don't know, how do you make Lady Gaga cross?"

There was a pause and I realised she'd forgotten the punchline. Hesitantly she tried an orphaned one she'd not got previously: "Caesar Salad?"

I laughed all the way home and she rushed to tell the joke to my wife.

I could hear the tumbleweed blow through from the other room. She came in looking crestfallen.

"that's not the right answer. Gail says she doesn't know the right answer but that's not it! Why did you laugh Daddy?"

And I explained about surrealist humour as best as I could to an 8 year old.

Next morning as we neared the school gates, I said to her "Hey, how do you make Lady Gaga cross?" and her eyes lit up. Just before she darted in to her friends I told her:

"Whopper with cheese".

The Ultimate Ethnic Joke


An Englishman, a Scotsman, an Irishman, a Welshman, a Latvian, a Turk, a German, an Indian, several Americans (including a Hawaiian and an Alaskan), An Argentinean, a Dane, an Australian, a Slovak, an Egyptian, a Japanese, a Moroccan, a Frenchman, a New Zealander, a Spaniard, a Russian, a Guatemalan, A Colombian, a Pakistani, a Malaysian, a Croatian, an Uzbek, a Cypriot, a Pole, a Lithuanian, a Chinese, a Sri Lankan, a Lebanese, a Cayman Islander, A Ugandan, a Vietnamese, a Korean, a Uruguayan, a Czech, an Icelander, a Mexican, a Finn, a Honduran, a Panamanian, an Andorran, an Israeli, a Venezuelan, an Iranian, a Fijian, a Peruvian, an Estonian, a Syrian, a Brazilian, a Portuguese, a Liechtensteiner, a Mongolian, a Hungarian, a Canadian, a Moldovan, a Haitian, a Norfolk Islander, a Macedonian, a Bolivian, a Cook Islander, a Tajikistani, a Samoan, an Armenian, an Aruban, An Albanian, a Greenlander, a Micronesian, a Virgin Islander, a Georgian, a Bahaman, a Belarusian, a Cuban, a Tongan, a Cambodian, a Canadian, a Qatari, An Azerbaijani, a Romanian, a Chilean, a Jamaican, a Filipino, a Ukrainian, A Dutchman, an Ecuadorian, a Costa Rican, a Swede, a Bulgarian, a Serb, a Swiss, a Greek, a Belgian, a Singaporean, an Italian, a Norwegian and 2 Africans walk into a fine restaurant.


"I'm sorry," says the maître d' after scrutinizing the group. You can’t come in here without a Thai.......

I walked into a barrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr..............


f. I got soaked.

Ok

I'll try.....why was the sand wet?

Cos the sea weed?

My all time favourite joke!!

Much love

Aza

2 boiled eggs in a pan, one turns around too the other and says Its bloody hot in here!! The other egg replies, when you get outside!! you gonna get your head smashed in.

Not really a joke as such but I see that confused.com are promoting ( http://www.confused.com/gooddrivers ) the idea of certain insurance companies fitting a GPS/Tracking device in your car to check where you go, how well you drive, how rapidly you accelerate, whether you drive too fast, brake too harsh or too hard etc. I've had one of those for years, they call it Telematics, I call it Mrs.M.....

Mandrake wrote:The Ultimate Ethnic Joke


An Englishman, a Scotsman, an Irishman, a Welshman, a Latvian, a Turk, a German, an Indian, several Americans (including a Hawaiian and an Alaskan), An Argentinean, a Dane, an Australian, a Slovak, an Egyptian, a Japanese, a Moroccan, a Frenchman, a New Zealander, a Spaniard, a Russian, a Guatemalan, A Colombian, a Pakistani, a Malaysian, a Croatian, an Uzbek, a Cypriot, a Pole, a Lithuanian, a Chinese, a Sri Lankan, a Lebanese, a Cayman Islander, A Ugandan, a Vietnamese, a Korean, a Uruguayan, a Czech, an Icelander, a Mexican, a Finn, a Honduran, a Panamanian, an Andorran, an Israeli, a Venezuelan, an Iranian, a Fijian, a Peruvian, an Estonian, a Syrian, a Brazilian, a Portuguese, a Liechtensteiner, a Mongolian, a Hungarian, a Canadian, a Moldovan, a Haitian, a Norfolk Islander, a Macedonian, a Bolivian, a Cook Islander, a Tajikistani, a Samoan, an Armenian, an Aruban, An Albanian, a Greenlander, a Micronesian, a Virgin Islander, a Georgian, a Bahaman, a Belarusian, a Cuban, a Tongan, a Cambodian, a Canadian, a Qatari, An Azerbaijani, a Romanian, a Chilean, a Jamaican, a Filipino, a Ukrainian, A Dutchman, an Ecuadorian, a Costa Rican, a Swede, a Bulgarian, a Serb, a Swiss, a Greek, a Belgian, a Singaporean, an Italian, a Norwegian and 2 Africans walk into a fine restaurant.


"I'm sorry," says the maître d' after scrutinizing the group. You can’t come in here without a Thai.......

I love that but don't have the memory to retell it.... *curses!*

Which reminds me: I say I say I say, what is the difference between a memory man and an undertaker?

A memory man retrieves rare facts from the corners of his cranium .. *pause* and an undertaker buries people.

A young lad pulls an older woman at a club.
She's 58 but looks very good for her age.
On the way back to her house, the lad thinks, "hmm, I bet her daughter is hot" ...... when out of the blue she asks him, "would you like a sportsman's double?"
"What's one of those?" he asks.
She replies, "it's a mother and daughter threesome."
"YES PLEASE" he eagerly replies.
As they go in through the front door, she puts the hall light on and shouts, "mum, put your f***ing teeth in - he's up for it".

Have you tried the new emo bread? It's great. It slices itself.

Job Hunt

1. My first job was working in an Orange Juice factory,
but I got canned. Couldn't concentrate.

2. Then I worked in the woods as a Lumberjack, but just
couldn't hack it, so they gave me the axe.

3. After that, I tried being a Tailor, but wasn't suited for it --
mainly because it was a sew-sew job.

4. Next, I tried working in a Muffler Factory, but that
was too exhausting.

5. Then, tried being a Chef - figured it would add a little spice
to my life, but just didn't have the thyme.

6. Next, I attempted being a Deli Worker, but any way
I sliced it...I couldn't cut the mustard.

7. My best job was a Musician, but eventually found
I wasn't noteworthy.

8. I studied a long time to become a Doctor, but didn't
have any patience.

9. Next, was a job in a Shoe Factory. Tried hard but
just didn't fit in.

10. I became a Professional Fisherman, but discovered
I couldn't live on my net income.

11. Managed to get a good job working for a Pool Maintenance
company, but the work was just too draining.

12. So then I got a job in a Workout Centre, but they said I
wasn't fit for the job.

13. After many years of trying to find steady work, I finally got
a job as a Historian - until I realized there was no future in it.

14. My last job was working in Starbucks, but had to quit because
it was the same old grind.

15. So, I tried RETIREMENT and found I'm perfect for the job!

Knock knock.

Who's there?

"Doorbell repair man"

********************

A bloke is watching a film with creepy organ music on the TV and suddenly yells, "Don't enter that church, you idiot !!!"

His wife asks him, "What are you watching?"

Husband replies, "Our wedding video"

********************

I said to my wife, "Quick, hand me a newspaper"

"Don't be silly," she said "You can borrow my iPad"

That spider never knew what hit it.

Not a joke as such but I swear this is true!

We’re redecorating the kitchen at home (translation – I’m doing the redecorating!) which involves putting up a few ceramic tiles so I went to the tile shop to buy some more tile spacers. I picked out a box of the right size, 3mm if anyone’s interested, and a lady next to me asked if they would be the right size to use with those music tiles. OK, my hearing isn’t the best so I just said, ‘Sorry - what sort of tiles?’ and she said, ‘The music ones’. The shop assistant was nattering on the phone so I couldn’t really get him to take over so I told her I’d never heard of music tiles. She looked a bit exasperated and said her husband had left her a note asking her to call in and get spacers for the music tiles so they must be available. She then showed me the note, it read, A box of spacers for mosaic tiles.......

I went to the Doctors and he took one look at me and said - 'You've got to stop Masturbating'

I asked - 'Why?'

He said - 'So I can examine you!'

I'm quite used to rejection. I mean, as a child I was a catholic altar boy and even the priest didn't want me!