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A magician was working on a cruise ship in the Caribbean. The audience would be different each week, so the magician allowed himself to do the same tricks over and over again.

There was only one problem: The captain's parrot saw the shows every week and began to understand what the magician did in every trick. Once he understood that, he started shouting in the middle of the show:

"Look, it's not the same hat!"

"Look, he's hiding the flowers under the table!"

"Hey, why are all the cards the Ace of Spades?"

The magician was furious but couldn't do anything, it was the captain's parrot after all.

One day the ship had an accident and sunk. The magician found himself on a piece of wood, in the middle of the ocean, and of course the parrot was by his side. They stared at each other with hate, but did not utter a word. This went on for several days.

After a week the parrot finally said: "Okay, I give up. What'd you do with the boat?"


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A Magician was doing his stage show in front of a big audience but saw he wasn't getting anywhere. After trying all the 'tricks', in desperation, he called a big, muscular man out of the audience.

"Sir, I'd like you to take this 20 pound sledge hammer and hit me as hard as you can right in the head."

The man refused.

The magician then said, "Sir, I am a professional. This is the Greatest Illusion. Besides, there are hundreds of witnesses, hit me as hard as you can right in the head with the hammer."

The man shrugged, did it, and the Magician went flying across the stage, hit the wall, and immediately fell into a coma. He was rushed to the hospital, and remained in the coma for years.

Ten years later, he came out of the coma, looked around, and said "Ta DA!!"

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A man was driving along the highway, and saw a rabbit hopping across the middle of the road. He swerved to avoid hitting the rabbit, but unfortunately the rabbit jumped in front of the car and was hit. The driver, being a sensitive man as well as an animal lover, pulled over to the side of the road and got out to see what had become of the rabbit. Much to his dismay, the rabbit was dead.

The driver felt so awful, he began to cry. A woman driving down the highway saw the man crying on the side of the road and pulled over. She stepped out of her car and asked the man what was wrong. "I feel terrible," he explained. "I accidentally hit this rabbit and killed it."

The woman told the man not to worry. She knew what to do. She went to her car trunk and pulled out a spray can. She walked over to the limp, dead rabbit, and sprayed the contents of the can onto the rabbit. Miraculously, the rabbit came to life, jumped up, waved its paw at the two humans and hopped down the road. 50 feet away the rabbit stopped, turned around, waved at the two again, hopped down the road another 50 feet, turned, waved, and hopped another 50 feet.

The man was astonished. He couldn't figure out what substance could be in the woman's spray can! He ran over to the woman and demanded, "What was in your spray can? What did you spray onto that rabbit?" The woman turned the can around so that the man could read the label. It said: "'Hair Spray' Restores Life to Dead Hair. Adds Permanent Wave."

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A magician looking for a new trick went to a newly opened magic shop. The clerk handed him an ordinary-looking pair of glasses and said, "Only $1,000."

The magician was shocked. "A thousand bucks for a pair of glasses?"

"Try 'em on; they're special glasses."

He tried them on and suddenly the clerk was naked. So were the female shoppers! He removed the glasses and everyone was clothed. "Sold!", he said.

Riding the bus home, he put the glasses on again. The bus driver was naked and all the passengers were naked! He took them off and everyone was clothed again. When he got home, he put his new glasses on before opening the front door. When he entered the living room, there on the sofa were his wife and his best friend, naked! He took the glasses off, but they were still naked.

"Damn!" he said. "A thousand bucks for a magic trick and in 30 minutes it's already broken!"

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During a recent vacation in Las Vegas, a man went to see a popular magic show. After one especially amazing feat, a man from the back of the theater yelled, "How'd you do that?"

"I could tell you, sir", the magician answered, "But then I'd have to kill you."

After a short pause, the man yelled back, "Ok, then... just tell my wife!"

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Q: How do you get a semi-professional magician off your porch?
A: Pay him for the pizza.

Q: Hear about the drunk magician?
A: He was walking down the street and turned into a bar!

Q: How do you get a magician to do 100 card tricks?
A: Ask him to show you one.

Q: What's the difference between a magician and a pizza?
A: A pizza can feed a family of four.

Q: A fellow with a rabbit in a hat pin on his lapel and a fellow with a magic wand under his
arm are waiting for a cab. Which one is the magician?
A: The cab driver.

When I was a child my mother asked me what I wanted to be when I grew up. I said "A Magician". She said, "You can't do both".

I told my mother "You know, I've half a mind to become a professional magician".
She said "That should do".

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A Pennsylvania State Trooper pulled a car over on I-81 about two miles north of the PA/MD state line. When the trooper asked the driver why he was speeding, the driver answered that he was a magician and a juggler, and he was on his way to Harrisburg to do a show that night at the Zembo Shrine Circus and didn't want to be late.

The trooper told the driver he was fascinated by juggling, and if the driver would do a little juggling for him, he would not give him a ticket.

The driver told the trooper that he had sent all of his equipment on ahead and didn't have anything to juggle. The trooper told him that he had some flares in the trunk of his patrol car and asked if he could juggle them. The juggler stated that he could, so the trooper got three flares, lit them and handed them to the juggler.

While the man was doing his juggling act, a car pulled in behind the patrol car, a drunk got out, and watched the performance briefly. He then went over to the patrol car, opened the rear door and got in. The trooper observed him doing this and went over to the patrol car, opened the door, and asked the drunk what he thought he was doing.

The drunk replied, "You might as well take my ass to jail, cause there's no way in Hell I can pass that test!"

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This guy comes home from work one day to find his dog with the magician neighbor's performing rabbit in his mouth. The rabbit is dead and the guy panics.

He thinks the magician is going to hate him forever, so he takes the dirty, chewed up rabbit into the house and gives it a bath, blow dries its fur and puts the rabbit back into the cage at the magician's house, hoping he will think it died of natural causes.

A few days later, the magician is outside and asks the guy, "Did you hear that Presto my magic rabbit died?". The guy stumbles around and says, "Um.. no.. um.. what happened?".

The magician replies, "I just found him dead in his cage one day, but the weird thing is that the day after I buried him I went outside and someone had dug him up, gave him a bath and put him back into the cage. There must be some real sick people out there!"

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A magician walks into a magic shop.

He glances around at all the musty old familiar curiosities of a bygone era: a large chromed foo can; an canvas straitjacket with suspiciously long sleeves; a gaudy silk cabinet with fake oriental characters on it. A kid behind a counter is badgering a customer to "Pick a card -- any card!". Then the magician notices a small plastic figurine of a rabbit in a top hat. It has no price tag, but it is so cute that he decides he must have it.

He asks the kid behind the counter, "How much for that stature of a rabbit in the hat?"

The kid replies, "It's not a statue, it's a trick! Twenty dollars with an instructional DVD."

"I don't need the instructions. To me it's just an ornament. It'll look good in my magic den. I'll give you fifteen bucks for it -- and you can keep the instructions!" Since the hat and rabbit had been languishing on the shelf for months, the kid agrees to sell it without the DVD.

The magician walks out of the store with his prize under his arm, and walks merrily down the street. He begins to notice a few stray jackrabbits following him. Startled, he walks a bit faster. But a few blocks later he is stunned to see several dozen vicious-looking wild rabbits hopping behind him. He panics and runs madly off in all directions, only to see more and more crazed-looking rabbits, seemingly popping out of nowhere, and racing after him at top speed.

Now in full gallop, the magician runs frantically towards a bridge spanning a large river. He scrambles out onto the bridge with the rabbits right behind him in hot pursuit, now in the thousands. Figuring the ornament from the magic shop is jinxed, he tosses it into the river. He's suddenly astonished to see a 'million' crazed rabbits jump into the river after it! They all drown. It's a ghastly sight.

Thoroughly relieved, the magician staggers back to the magic shop, determined to get an explanation for this nightmare.

"Ah ha!" says the kid behind the counter, "You've come back for the instructions!"

"Hell no!" says the rumpled and haggard magician, gasping for breath and wiping sweat from his brow, "I came back to see if you have any clowns in a hat!"

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A juggler is sent to hell for his sins.

As he is being taken to his place of eternal torment, he sees a magician doing card tricks for a couple of beautiful woman.

"What a rip-off," the juggler muttered. I have to roast for all of eternity, and that magician gets to spend his time doing card tricks for beautiful women!"

Jabbing the juggler with his pitchfork, Satan snarled: "Who are you to question these women's punishment?"

Haha funny stuff Mr. Attic

A magician is looking for a new assistant for his magic act. There are three female applicants for the job. He gives each £20 and sends them to a magic shop to buy a suitable trick for his show.

The first one comes back with an ID. The magician thinks 'OK, shes careful and doesnt like tricks going wrong. She prefers tricks that are simple but can be presented with a lot of drama'

The second one comes back with a zombie ball. The magician thinks 'Ok, she likes tricks that are show-ey, but classical and elegant.

The third one come back with the trick 'bruised'. He thinks 'Ok, she likes tricks that are versatile and more street style. She likes tricks that look 'cool'.

Who does he hire?
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The one with the biggest boobs;)

Funny stuff man funny stuff.