Have you got a joke (clean) worse than mine!

A meeting area where members can relax, chill out and talk about anything non magical.


Moderators: nickj, Lady of Mystery, Mandrake, bananafish, support

Postby Whalemeister » Feb 12th, '08, 14:16



I'm not sure if this one's already been posted in this thread as I really don't have the time to read through all of these while at work :wink:

So if it's already here I apologise...

Why shouldn't you make fun of a dwarf with learning difficulties?
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
Because it's not big and it's not clever!!!

User avatar
Whalemeister
Preferred Member
 
Posts: 111
Joined: Jan 21st, '08, 16:55
Location: Wokingham UK (31:AH)

Postby Gary Dickson » Feb 13th, '08, 03:42

Why did the Buddhist monk refuse painkillers at the dentist?

Because he wanted to transcend dental medication.

User avatar
Gary Dickson
Senior Member
 
Posts: 424
Joined: Jan 10th, '07, 04:49
Location: Nottingham, UK 37:AH

Postby johnnygri » Feb 14th, '08, 18:45

Haven't read through so sorry if you've read this already.

I saw Tim Vine and a couple of his gags stuck in my head:

1)
Is your dog Islamic?
Muzzle 'im.

2) Man walks into a butchers. Butcher says "I'll bet you a tenner you can't reach that meat hanging up there". Man says "I'm not betting you". butcher says "why?", man says "the steaks are too high".

And a Harry Hill joke to finish:

I've got this stepladder... it's not my real ladder...



Phew.

johnnygri
Full Member
 
Posts: 50
Joined: May 5th, '06, 14:02
Location: London

Postby johnnygri » Feb 14th, '08, 18:48

They're flooding back....


Man rushes into a dentist's and says "please you have to help me, i think I'm a fly". The dentist replies "why on earth did you come in here?", man says "the light was on".

...

johnnygri
Full Member
 
Posts: 50
Joined: May 5th, '06, 14:02
Location: London

Postby lozey » Feb 14th, '08, 22:35

He was my hero
>
> Sad news: - Mr C. Sense has died.
> London Times Obituary of the late Mr. Common Sense
>
> 'Today we mourn the passing of a beloved old friend, Common Sense, who
> has
> been with us for many years. No one knows for sure how old he was, since
> his
> birth records were long ago lost in bureaucratic red tape. He will be
> remembered as having cultivated such valuable lessons as:
> Knowing when to come in out of the rain; why the early bird gets the
> worm;
> Life isn't always fair; and maybe it was my fault.
>
> Common Sense lived by simple, sound financial policies (don't spend more
> than you can earn) and reliable strategies (adults, not children, are in
> charge).
>
> His health began to deteriorate rapidly when well-intentioned but
> overbearing regulations were set in place. Reports of a 6-year-old boy
> charged with sexual harassment for kissing a classmate; teens suspended
> from
> school for using mouthwash after lunch; and a teacher fired for
> reprimanding
> an unruly student, only worsened his condition.
>
> Common Sense lost ground when parents attacked teachers for doing the
> job
> that they themselves had failed to do in disciplining their unruly
> children.
>
> It declined even further when schools were required to get parental
> consent
>
> to administer sun lotion or an Elastoplast to a student; but could not
> inform parents when a student became pregnant and wanted to have an
> abortion.
>
> Common Sense lost the will to live as the Ten Commandments became
> contraband; churches became businesses; and criminals received better
> treatment than their victims. Common Sense took a beating when you
> couldn't
>
> defend yourself from a burglar in your own home and the burglar could
> sue
> you for assault.
>
> Common Sense finally gave up the will to live, after a woman failed to
> realize that a steaming cup of coffee was hot. She spilled a little in
> her
> lap, and was promptly awarded a huge settlement.
>
> Common Sense was preceded in death by his parents, Truth and Trust; his
> wife, Discretion; his daughter, Responsibility; and his son, Reason. He
> is
> survived by his 4 stepbrothers; I Know My Rights, I Want It Now, Someone
> Else Is To Blame, and I'm A Victim.
>
> Not many attended his funeral because so few realized he was gone. If
> you
> still remember him, pass this on. If not, join the majority and do
> nothing.'

(C, AH)
If you have a quality,let it define you no matter what it is-Doug Bradley
User avatar
lozey
Advanced Member
 
Posts: 1002
Joined: Mar 9th, '06, 23:59
Location: West Yorkshire (27,AH, C)

Postby Mandrake » Feb 14th, '08, 22:59

A respectful two minute's silence is now required...

User avatar
Mandrake
'
 
Posts: 27494
Joined: Apr 20th, '03, 21:00
Location: UK (74:AH)

Postby beetlejuiceecis » Feb 14th, '08, 23:04

A Scotsman, an Englishman and an Irishman walk into a bar.
Bartender turns tound and says, "What is this? Some sort of joke?!"

and...

Why do mice have small balls?
Because not many of them can dance...

User avatar
beetlejuiceecis
Senior Member
 
Posts: 314
Joined: Feb 2nd, '08, 15:25
Location: Aberdeen, Scotland

Postby sleightlycrazy » Feb 18th, '08, 00:10

A priest, a rapist, and a pedophile walk into a bar.



... and that was just the FIRST guy!

Currently Reading "House of Mystery" (Abbott, Teller), Tarbell, Everything I can on busking
User avatar
sleightlycrazy
Advanced Member
 
Posts: 1168
Joined: Apr 22nd, '06, 23:44
Location: California (21:WP)

Postby Farlsborough » Feb 18th, '08, 00:44

What do you call cheese that doesn't belong to you?








...nacho cheese. :lol:

Farlsborough
 

Postby Mandrake » Feb 27th, '08, 13:39

ROMANCE MATHEMATICS

Smart man + smart woman = romance

Smart man + dumb woman = affair

Dumb man + smart woman = marriage

Dumb man + dumb woman = pregnancy

______________________________

OFFICE ARITHMETIC

Smart boss + smart employee = profit

Smart boss + dumb employee = production

Dumb boss + smart employee = promotion

Dumb boss + dumb employee = overtime

_____________________________

SHOPPING MATH

A man will pay £20 for a £10 item he needs.

A woman will pay £10 for a £20 item that she doesn't need.

_____________________________

GENERAL EQUATIONS & STATISTICS

A woman worries about the future until she gets a husband.

A man never worries about the future until he gets a wife

A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend.

A successful woman is one who can find such a man.

_____________________________

HAPPINESS

To be happy with a man, you must understand him a lot and love him a little.

To be happy with a woman, you must love her a lot and not try to understand her at all

______________________________

LONGEVITY

Married men live longer than single men do, but married men are a lot more willing to die.

______________________________

PROPENSITY TO CHANGE

A woman marries a man expecting he will change, but he doesn't.

A man marries a woman expecting that she won't change, and she does.

_____________________________

DISCUSSION TECHNIQUE

A woman has the last word in any argument.

Anything a man says after that is the beginning of a new argument.

_____________________________

HOW TO STOP PEOPLE FROM BUGGING YOU ABOUT GETTING MARRIED

Old aunts used to come up to me at weddings, poking me in the ribs and cackling, telling me, 'You're next.' They stopped after I started doing the same thing to them at funerals.

User avatar
Mandrake
'
 
Posts: 27494
Joined: Apr 20th, '03, 21:00
Location: UK (74:AH)

Postby Lady of Mystery » Feb 27th, '08, 13:58

Mandrake wrote:Old aunts used to come up to me at weddings, poking me in the ribs and cackling, telling me, 'You're next.' They stopped after I started doing the same thing to them at funerals.


Now that one I like, alot! :lol:

Foodie chat and recipes at https://therosekitchen.wordpress.com/
User avatar
Lady of Mystery
Senior Moderator
 
Posts: 8870
Joined: Nov 30th, '06, 17:30
Location: On a pink and fluffy cloud (31:AH)

Postby magicmonkey » Feb 27th, '08, 14:50

Mandrake wrote:DISCUSSION TECHNIQUE

A woman has the last word in any argument.

Anything a man says after that is the beginning of a new argument.


My late grandad once told me his secret to being happily married for well over 50 years.

He always had the last word....

"yes dear"

not a fan of sigs, so I won't bother adding o..... oh
:oops:
User avatar
magicmonkey
Senior Member
 
Posts: 918
Joined: May 19th, '06, 20:40
Location: London (33:SH/ pt WP)

Postby Lady of Mystery » Feb 27th, '08, 15:04

ahhh if there's one phrase I hate more than anything it's, 'yes, dear'. There a good chance of me throwing something very heavy if that's said to me.

Foodie chat and recipes at https://therosekitchen.wordpress.com/
User avatar
Lady of Mystery
Senior Moderator
 
Posts: 8870
Joined: Nov 30th, '06, 17:30
Location: On a pink and fluffy cloud (31:AH)

Postby Markdini » Feb 27th, '08, 15:43

Yes Dear.

I am master of misdirection, look over there.

We are not falling out young Welshy, we are debating, I think farlsy is an idiot he thinks I am one. We are just talking about who is the bigger idiot.

Vincere Aut Mort
Markdini
Elite Member
 
Posts: 2705
Joined: Jan 13th, '06, 01:25
Location: London 24 (SH)

Postby Lady of Mystery » Feb 27th, '08, 16:31

:evil: :evil: :evil: :evil:

Foodie chat and recipes at https://therosekitchen.wordpress.com/
User avatar
Lady of Mystery
Senior Moderator
 
Posts: 8870
Joined: Nov 30th, '06, 17:30
Location: On a pink and fluffy cloud (31:AH)

PreviousNext

Return to The Dove's Head

Who is online

Users browsing this forum: No registered users and 31 guests