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by **Sophie** » Mar 2nd, '09, 16:33

Mandrake...You spent a long time on your post...thanks for sharing. Thought you might like to see this

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Mp_ObOyV ... re=related I heard Tim Vine tell a terrible joke the other day..."Velcro, What a rip off", and I laughed!!! :lol:

by **luko1803** » Mar 3rd, '09, 15:45

It's clean but a little bit sexist...but that's probably what's funny about it:

In the Garden of Eden Adam approaches God and asks:

"God I'm so alone here I wish I could have some company."

God replies "Well Adam it might interest you to know that I've been working on a companion for you. She will be everything you desire she will let you watch sports with a beer after a hard day she will pleasure you in anyway you desire and most importantly she will always being in the best of moods and will never hide anything from you."

"Wow" says Adam "How much will that cost me?"

"An arm and a leg" Says God

"Hmmm" Adam thinks "What can I get for a rib?"

And the rest is history!

by **Sophie** » Mar 3rd, '09, 16:07

I liked that!!!

Why did the sand blush?, Because the sea weed!!!!

by **luko1803** » Mar 3rd, '09, 16:15

I have a long list of one liners but when I say long I mean like 3 pages long so I posted a link with them all on here ya go guys:

http://wittyblogwittyguy.blogspot.com/

by **luko1803** » Mar 4th, '09, 22:01

How many members of U2 does it take to change a light bulb?

Just Bono but you have to wait 365 days for the world to revolve around him.

by **SamD465** » Mar 5th, '09, 12:26

I just made this up on the spot and it's not very good but;

What's brown and sticky?

Melted chocolate.

(GROAN)

by **Replicant** » Mar 5th, '09, 17:22

What do you call a judge with no thumbs?
Justice Fingers.

What happens when two snails fight?
They slug it out.

How did the artist paint a picture?
Easel-y.

Why do pigs make good spies?
They're excellent at going in-hog-nito.

by **Mandrake** » Mar 5th, '09, 17:30

You've found a box of Christmas Crackers, haven't you? :wink:

by **Replicant** » Mar 5th, '09, 17:46

Nope, I'm just naturally gifted. You can't teach that, I was born with it.

by **Eigen** » Mar 5th, '09, 19:30

A man walks into a shop and asks for a can of red paint, the assistant replies "No we've only got blue" Customer "Oh its OK, my bikes outside".

Is there even anything to "get"?

by **moonbeam** » Mar 26th, '09, 23:55

A 3-year-old boy examined his testicles whilst taking a bath.
"Mom", he asked, "are these my brains?"

"Not yet", she replied.

by **kolm** » Mar 27th, '09, 00:40

"You've been a good horse," said the farmer. "You're strong, and don't spook easily. But you could be faster at pulling the plough, that's my only criticism". The horse looked blankly at the farmer for a moment before replying "No, I said feedbag"

by **Mandrake** » Mar 27th, '09, 10:00

Patient. "Doctor, I think that I'm going deaf."

Doctor. "Describe the symptoms."

Patient. "Homer is the bald fat one and Marge has the blue hair."

by **Tomo** » Mar 27th, '09, 14:10

Mandrake wrote:Patient. "Doctor, I think that I'm going deaf."

Doctor. "Describe the symptoms."

Patient. "Homer is the bald fat one and Marge has the blue hair."

Consider that one stolen!

by **Mandrake** » Apr 10th, '09, 09:55

What Is Butt Dust???

What, you ask, is 'Butt dust'? Read on and you'll discover the joy in it! These have to be original and genuine. No adult is this creative!!

JACK (age 3) was watching his Mom breast-feeding his new baby sister. After a while he asked: 'Mom why have you got two? Is one for hot and one for cold milk?'

MELANIE (age 5) asked her Granny how old she was. Granny replied she was so old she didn't remember any more. Melanie said, 'If you don't remember you must look in the back of your panties. Mine say five to six.'

STEVEN (age 3) hugged and kissed his Mom good night. 'I love you so much that when you die I'm going to bury you outside my bedroom window.'

BRITTANY (age 4) had an ear ache and wanted a pain killer. She tried in vain to take the lid off the bottle. Seeing her frustration, her Mom explained it was a child-proof cap and she'd have to open it for her. Eyes wide with wonder, the little girl asked: 'How does it know it's me?'

SUSAN (age 4) was drinking juice when she got the hiccups. 'Please don't give me this juice again,' she said, 'It makes my teeth cough.'

DJ (age 4) stepped onto the bathroom scale and asked: 'How much do I cost?'

CLINTON (age 5) was in his bedroom looking worried When his Mom asked what was troubling him, he replied, 'I don't know what'll happen with this bed when I get married. How will my wife fit in it?'

MARC (age 4) was engrossed in a young couple that were hugging and kissing in a restaurant. Without taking his eyes off them, he asked his dad: 'Why is he whispering in her mouth?'

TAMMY (age 4) was with her mother when they met an elderly, rather wrinkled woman her Mom knew. Tammy looked at her for a while and then asked, 'Why doesn't your skin fit your face?'

JAMES (age 4) was listening to a Bible story. His dad read: 'The man named Lot was warned to take his wife and flee out of the city but his wife looked back and was turned to salt.' Concerned, James asked: 'What happened to the flea?'

The Sermon I think this Mom will never forget ..

This particular Sunday sermon...'Dear Lord,' the minister began, with arms extended toward heaven and a rapturous look on his upturned face. 'Without you, we are but dust...' He would have continued but at that moment my very obedient daughter who was listening leaned over to me and asked quite audibly in her shrill little four year old girl voice, 'Mom, what is butt dust?'

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What is Butt Dust??

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