talkmagic.co.uk

lindford christy ran past three old ladies:-
1 had a stroke.
the other 2 were so disapointed.

Groan David Blaine went to Spain but didn't perform any Street Magic because the Blaine in Spain stays mainly on the plane

this ones great!

but long read it, its worth it!

Bill out at town one day meets his childhood pal Ned.

they decide to catch up they'll meet at thier local for a pint or two. Bill decides to get the first round and they have a chat then Ned gets the round but when Ned gets up the bartender rings the bell and informs everyone that Ned is in the building and to Bills surprise everyone comes to greet Ned and have a chat.

when Ned eventually get back with the round Bill say"cor your popular in here aint you" but Ned shrugs it off saying he's the most popular guy in the world and knows everybody.

Bill challenges Ned that he won't know the president of the USA so the pop over to the white house and to Bills amazment Ned did know Bush and thy went out for a round of golf.

Bill feeling its a fluke decide that Ned wont know the Queen of england and bets him $1000 so they get on a plane and travel to buckingham and Ned and bill get invited in for Tea and crumpets with the Queen and a nice chat.

Bill now steaming proposes a double or quits. Now he want to see if Ned knows the Pope. so the same routine they get on a plane and travel to Italy and arrive outside the vatican.

Ned says to Bill im gonna head up and great the pope and ill come out on the balcony shaking his hand and you wait down here. As promised Ned comes out on the balcony shaking the popes hand. When Ned looks down he sees Bill unconsious on the ground Ned rushes down and wakes him up and asks him what up.

Bill: "when you met the president it was OK, when i lost a grand to you because you knew the queen that was OK but i just couldnt take it anymore when some tourist came up to me and asked whos that shaking Ned's hand"

there wasnt that worth it!

Whilst dining at a resturaunt a man was choosing his Squid from the tank.
Finally he noticed a small mild-green coloured squid with a hairy protruding lip hiding at the bottom of the tank.
Having never seen a green squid before, he decided to choose it.
The waiter seemed horrified at his choice, in truth the squid had been passed up for so long by so many diners, they had all but adopted it as a mascot for the resturaunt. Never-the-less the creature was plucked from the tank and taken to the kitchen.

Gervaise, the cook took one look at the squid and it's hairy bottom lip and couldn't bring himself to kill it. He asked Hans the dishwasher to kill it for him.
Hans took the knife and and looked the squid in the eye for a moment. After a tense few seconds he put the knife down and declared that he didn't have it in him to murder such a pathetic animal.

The moral of the story?

Hans that does dishes is as soft as Gervaise, with mild-green, hairy-lipped squid




And

what's E.T Short For?


He's got little legs

...and I reckon this one could take the biscuit...I apologise in advance:

In the great desert lived a band of nomads. Their leader, Benny, had risen to his rank due to his magnificent beard. His people believed a man's strength and courage came from his beard. Thus, the man with the biggest beard was their chief.
After leading the band for many years, Benny decided he wanted to shave.
He asked the elders for their advice. They were shocked. They reminded him
of the ancient warning that the leader who shaved would be turned into
earthenware.

Benny scoffed at that, and cut his beard. As the final whisker was cut, a
huge dust storm came up. When it cleared, there stood a man-sized clay
vessel. The elders knew the legend must be true.

Their conclusion? "A Benny shaved is a Benny urned."

greedoniz wrote:Whilst dining at a resturaunt a man was choosing his Squid from the tank.
Finally he noticed a small mild-green coloured squid with a hairy protruding lip hiding at the bottom of the tank.
Having never seen a green squid before, he decided to choose it.
The waiter seemed horrified at his choice, in truth the squid had been passed up for so long by so many diners, they had all but adopted it as a mascot for the resturaunt. Never-the-less the creature was plucked from the tank and taken to the kitchen.

Gervaise, the cook took one look at the squid and it's hairy bottom lip and couldn't bring himself to kill it. He asked Hans the dishwasher to kill it for him.
Hans took the knife and and looked the squid in the eye for a moment. After a tense few seconds he put the knife down and declared that he didn't have it in him to murder such a pathetic animal.

The moral of the story?

Hans that does dishes is as soft as Gervaise, with mild-green, hairy-lipped squid




And

what's E.T Short For?


He's got little legs

i dont get it

It's about this time I'd tell the Mad Monk joke, but you can't really write the ending down... be thankful.

So this boy figurs that Xmas is coming, so he goes to his mother
Mother can I have a skateboard?
Mother:- do you think you deserve a skatboard? go right to god how good were you this year and ask for a skatboared. so he does
first litter:- Dear god I was Excelent this year please give me a skatebaord. and then he said to him self, but I wasn't good this year I can't lie to god
second letter:- Dear god I was Good this year please give me a skateboard. and then he though but I was bad this year I can't lie to god he know it all
third letter:-letter:- Dear god I was OK this year please give me a skateboard. No No No I'm Still lying!.
fourth letter:- Dear god I was bad this year but please give me a skateboard.
and then he thought What the hell am I doing I can't write a litter to god!!!
so he ran to church and his mother was so glad that now here son Is good
he Enters the church, looks right, looks left. Grabs the statu of vergin marry and runs home writing to god
GOD I HAVE YOUR MOTHER I WANT A SKATEBOARD RIGHT NOW!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!111



Had to translate it from arabic
hope you like it

Can't resist it:

Little Johnny is in class. The teacher asks him, "Give me a sentence using 'centimetre' and use grammar."

He thinks for a while then replies, "My Grandma was coming to stay with us by train and I was sent to meet her at the station."

I'll get me coat...

Johnny, Jimmy and Steve were all in class and the teacher asked them what their father's did.

Johnny replied that his father was a baker and made bread and cakes.
Jimmy said "my dads a bookie miss". "A bookmaker, Jimmy" she corrected him. "We call them bookmakers"
And Steve replied that his father was a neurosurgeon

"Excellent class!" squealed the teacher, "now, for tomorrow, I'd like you all to bring in some proof of your fathers profession, and I want you to learn how to spell it too"


Next day rolls on and the teacher asks them for proof.
Johnny hands the teacher a big cake and says "B-A-K-E-R" and the teacher congratulates him and sits him down.
Jimmy comes up and says "B-O-O-K-M-A-K-E-R" and goes to walk off.
"Hang on, what about your proof?" the teacher asks.
"Oh yeah" says Jimmy, and fishing around in his pockets pulls out a tattered scrap of paper and hands it to the teacher.

She opens it up, and inside it says "25/1 that Steve can't spell neurosurgeon"


... That was worse than even I remembered it!

How many emos does it take to change a light bulb?

None, they like to cry in the dark.

Taiven_Grant wrote:How many emos does it take to change a light bulb?

None, they like to cry in the dark.

Aw, bless.

How many therapists does it take to change a lightbulb?

One, but the light bulb has to want to change.

What has eight arms and kills its girlfriend?

Squid Vicious...

How many magicians does it take to change a lightbulb?



Depend what you want it changed into...

I think Mandrake told me that once...

What did the water say to the boat?

Nothing, it just waved.

Absolutely sickening...