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Q. What's the difference between magicians and investment bonds?
A. Investment bonds eventually mature and start making money.

Before you call me an Azz learn be more like the birds man

Mandrake wrote:And I'll see you with

A guy walks into a bar and orders a beer, takes his first sip and puts it down. While he's looking around the bar, a monkey swings down and steals the pint of beer so swiftly there's nothing he can do. The man asks who owns the thieving little monkey and the barman points to the guy playing the piano. The man walks over and says "Oi - do you know your monkey just stole my #*%*ing beer?" The pianist replies "No, but if you hum it, I'll play it."

reminds me of this joke:

There was this guy walking down the road when he noticed a night club
ahead. He went in, went up to the bar and asked for a drink. The bar owner,
who was tending bar, said, "I've never seen you in her before."

The guy says, "Yes, I'm not from around here. I'm just passing through on my
way to find a job."

The owner asks, "What do you do?"

The guy says, "I write music and play the piano."

The owner, looking excited says, "REALLY! I have an ad in the paper looking
for
someone to play my piano. Please sit down at the keyboard and play for me
if you're interested."

The guy does and as he plays the piano the owner is in awe of his talent
and musical abilities. The owner says, "You play the piano more beautifully
than anyone I have ever heard! What is the name of that song?"

The guy says, "I wrote that song and the name is Two Lesbians * Their
Brains Out."

The owner gasps and is taken back. He says, "My gosh, that's a terrible name
for such a beautiful song. Do you know any others?"

The guy smiles and plays again. Once more the owner is astounded by this
guy's talent and musical abilities. He's almost afraid to ask but he does
ask what the name of the song he just played.

The guy answers, "I *****d Her All Night Until She Couldn't Take Anymore."

The owner again was shocked. The owner says, "Ok, you play beautifully and
the songs you have written are incrediable. I will hire you, but you have
to promise not to tell the name of your songs to the patrons." The guy
agrees.

That night the guy was playing the piano and the crowd was just as amazed
as the owner was with this man's musical abilities. After playing two
songs the crowd stood up and applauded. The guy was really pleased and
stood up to take a bow. When he stood up and faced the audience, it was
apparent that his zipper was open and his dick and balls were hanging out.


One of the patrons close to the piano says, "Sir, do you know your dick and
balls are hanging out?"

The guy smiles and says, "KNOW IT, I WROTE IT!"

HA HA that's good!

One day, a cruise liner crashed into an iceberg(!), there were only three survivers, David, Daniel, and Daisy. Anyway, David, Daniel, and Daisy, floated on a lifeboat for a week, until the drifted up on a deserted Island, now, in this week, David, Daniel, and Daisy got to know each other very well.

David, Daniel, and Daisy set about building a camp for themselves, along with a campfire to signal passing ships. two weeks pass, and eventually, nature kicks in for David, Daniel, and Daisy, and both David and Daniel start having alot of intercourse with Daisy.

This proceeds for seveal weeks, then one day, Daisy wakes up and thinks to herself 'this is quite immoral, what the hell am I doing? why am I letting David and Daniel do this to me?' Daisy kills herself out of guilt.

David and Daniel mourn daisy for a few days, and try and get about their business of surviving... but, after a week or so... again, nature takes its course, and the sex starts... this goes on for a few more weeks... Then, one morning, after a night of rough sex, David turns to Daniel and says 'you know what, this is quite immoral' Daniel returns with 'but we have needs, you know'.... In the end, they agreed that what they are doing, IS quite immoral....

So they buried Daisy.

Lovin' this thread.

Can we start a "A [whatever] walks into a bar" thread? I've realised what a sucker I am for these.

On the eagles front - thanks for encouraging me to waste 20 minutes of my life sussing this. Couldn't have been an Oxford test, far too crude.

Here's my feeble contribution..
A lobster walks into a bar. The barman orders him straight out. The lobster asks "Whats up?". "Whats up" says the barman, "You where in here last night giving it all that.." **

**Imagine superb graphics for barman doing lobster claw impression on both hands here please.

holy smokes, i love jokes and there are some quality ones here.
i know its an old thread but heres my joke!

two lunatics in a asylum. one turn to the other and says;
"mate is that clock right on the wall"
the other says "yeah"
so the first guy said "so whats he doing here then"


an old woman runs up and down the street alot flashing people shouting "super sex"
she runs up to an old fella in a wheel chair and flashed him and shouts "super sex" he looks at her saggy body and says " i'll think i'll take the soup"!!!!!

gony wrote:A polar bear walks into a bar, goes up to the barman and asks for a pint of lager (.....you dont say anything for about 5secs....) and a packet of crisps. the barmans says - why the big pause? (big paws!!!)

Similar one.

Horse goes into a bar, barman says "why the long face"

A//

you could also say celine dion

Man goes into a chip shop and says "a bag of jelly babies please" Chippy owner says. "we don't sell them, this is a chip shop"

Other bloke says "it's OK, i've got my bike outside!!!!!!




2 Nuns in their car, devil jumps onto their bonnet, One nun says to the other, "quick show him you're cross" So she winds down the window and shouts "Get off my bloody bonnet hoof hands"


A//

Bob's Doctor rings him and says "Bob, I have some good news and some bad news". A perplexed Bob asks "Ok, whats the good news?" to which the Doctor replies "You have 24 hours to live". Shocked, Bob then asks "Oh my God, whats the bad news?" The Doctor says "I tried to call you yesterday".

A man walks into a bar with a piece of tarmac under his arm...... he says a pint of larger and one for the road

For the movie lovers...

My grandparents are called Pearl and Dean, but I prefer to call them grandma and grand-PA PA - PA PA - PA - PA PA PA PAAA...

Farlsborough wrote:For the movie lovers...

My grandparents are called Pearl and Dean, but I prefer to call them grandma and grand-PA PA - PA PA - PA - PA PA PA PAAA...

hehehe

Well heres a long one. And its a cockney joke told by Mike Reid @

Two fellas in a pub one says :

"hello Bill hows your brother Ted?"
"He died"
"oh that is terriable how did he die"
"Well he was driving his car and he slammed the brakes on with such force he got catapaulted out of the roof through my second floor bedroom window landed on the bed"
"oh thats a terriable way to go " Says the fella
"Nah that didnt kill him he bounced of the bed up in to the attict managed to grab the wanter tank as he grabbed it he fell back down with the tank 1000 gallons of water and all"
"thats terriable way to go" says the fella
"Nah that didnt kill him he stagged over to the walldrobe tried to haul him self up and it feel on top of him"
"Oh I am sorry mate"
"Nah that didnt kill him he stangged out to the stairs fell down the stairs and took out every bannerster on the way"
"thats teriable really what a way to go"
"Nah that didnt kill him"
"Hang about what did kill him the?"
"i shot him"
"you shot him?"
"Had to he was wrecking the place"

panda in a restaurant, orders his food. the waiter brings out the food for the lovely panda! the panda gobbles the food down and whips out a gun and shots the waiter in the face and walks out the building!!
i said to the manager" holy moly, why did he do that"
"well his a panda sir, check it out in the dictionary"
i did and guess what it said

PANDA, BEAR FROM SOUTH CHINA, EATS SHOOTS AND LEAVES!!!!