talkmagic.co.uk

trashmanf wrote:What's lame and not funny?

all the jokes about fluff...

That's the idea - and the reason why I posted them (see thread title).

Here's another "lame" one:

What do you call a boomerang that doesn't come back?
A stick.

A man walks into the street and manages to get a taxi just going by.
He gets into the taxi, and the cabbie says, "Perfect timing. You're just like Frank."
Passenger: "Who?"
Cabbie: "Frank Feldman. He's a guy who did everything right - all the time. Like my coming along when you needed a cab, things happened like that to Frank Feldman every single time."
Passenger: "There are always a few clouds over everybody."
Cabbie: "Not Frank Feldman. He was a terrific athlete. He could have won the Grand Slam at tennis. He could golf with the pros. He sang like an opera Baritone and danced like a Broadway star and you should have heard him play the piano. He was an amazing guy"
Passenger: "Sounds like he was something really special"
Cabbie: "There's more.......He had a memory like a computer. Could remember everybody's birthday. He knew all about wine, which foods to order and which fork to eat them with. He could fix anything. Not like me. I change a fuse, and the whole street blacks out. But Frank Feldman, he could do everything right."
Passenger! .. "Wow, some guy then."
Cabbie: "He always knew the quickest way to go in traffic and avoid traffic jams, not like me, I always seem to get stuck in them. But Frank, he never made a mistake"
Passenger. "Mmm, there's not many like him around."
Cabbie: "And he really knew how to treat a woman and make her feel good and never answered her back even if she was in the wrong; and his clothing was always immaculate, shoes highly polished too - he was the perfect man! He never made a mistake. No one could ever measure up to Frank Feldman."
Passenger: "An amazing fellow. How did you meet him?"
Cabbie: "Well, I never actually met Frank."
Passenger: "Then how do you know so much about him?"
Cabbie: "I married his @@~##: widow."

why did the farmer get into punk music............he was fed up with hall n oats.......gedit hauln oats

A stunning young woman goes upto an old man in a bar. She leans over to him and whispers in his ear "I'll do anything you like for £50". The old man puts his drink down and searches around in his pocket before pulling out a bunch of crumpled notes. He gives her the £50 and whispers back "Go and paint my house".

This one is almost dirty hehe.

There is a Tickle Me Elmo factory. A new employee had just started working there, and was getting complaints from her fellow employees. "She is backing up the production line, sir," she told her boss, "It's terrible and a mess out there."
"Well, I guess I'll go check it out."
A couple employees and their boss went to the production line. There were Elmos laying everywhere on the floor and it was backed up. They spotted the new employee, she was taking 2 marbles, placing them in some red felt, then sewing them between Elmo's legs.
"What are you doing!?" asked the boss, confused.
"Oh, I'm sorry. I was told to give Elmo two test tickles."

This one isn't so bad I suppose.

1.

A poem.

"Roses are red, violets are blue,
I'm schitzofrenic and so am I"

Man walks into the Doctor's and says, 'Doc, I'm not feeling too well - got a real pain in my ars..., er, rear end'.
'No worries' says the Doc, 'strip off, bend over and I'll take a look'.

So the rectal examination begins and in a few moments the Doc says, 'That's strange, there's a twenty pound note stuck up there, I'll pull it out.....blimey, now I can see another note there as well, it's a fifty pound note.......I don't believe it, now there's a ten pound note up there.'
This carries on for several minutes with the pile of various banknotes increasing all the while as the Doc removes them from the guy's anatomy. At last the Doc says, 'Well, I think I've got them all out now' and the guy asks, 'How much money is there altogether Doc?' 'Exactly £1,995.00' replies the Doctor. 'Ah, yes,' murmurs the guy, 'When I first came in I said I wasn't feeling two grand'...


yup, coat, hat, door over thataway...

Man goes to the Doctor's and says "Doctor.. I keep getting the urge to wear tight leather pants, date young girls and sing in a Welsh accent" the doctor examines him and says "Sir you have Tom Jones syndrome" "MY God is it rare" asks the man
"Well" says the Doctor "It's Not Unusual"

Man goes to the doctor with a duck attached to his backside. Doctor says, "Er... what can I do for you?" Duck says, "Get this guy off my a***!"

A guy hires a hitman to kill his wife of 40 years. The hitman says "I'll shoot her just below her left boob". Husband says, "I want her dead, not kneecapped!"

my irish brothers needed a job and asked me if I knew anyone hireing. I told them I thought I had seen the arbiculturist advertising down in the village, so off they both happily went.
Later I saw them coming back looking a bit gloomy, so I asked what had gone wrong.
"we never even bothered asking the guy"
I was suprised "why not I said, It's always worth an ask"
" well the sign said tree fellers wanted and there's only two of us"

I arrived home last night to find my wife in bed with another man
"what are you doing" I yelled
she just turned to the man and said "did'nt I tell you he was stupid"

Irish cure for seasickness
sit under a tree

Knock Knock

Who's there?

Bigish

Bigish who?

No not today thanks

A coach driver was driving a coach load of blind people for a day out somewhere, when he sees a pub and a pet store. He pulls onto the pub car park and comes up with a great idea. He goes into the pet shop and buys a ball with a bell inside.

He explains to the passengers that he's going to have a short break but while he's away, they can go onto the park and have a game of football by listening for the bell. Everybody agrees so he takes them to the park before going back to the pub for a couple of pints.

After about 10 minutes, a guy rushes in and says 'Who's looking after those blind people on the park?' The driver stands up and says 'Oh my god, i am, whats happened?'

'Nothing has happened to your passengers' says the man, 'but they're kicking the c*** out of a morris dancer'

Why do the french eat Escargot (snails) ?

because they don't like fast food!

how do you get pikachu on the bus.



pokemon.

coat i will get.

JUSTIFIABLE HOMICIDE

Sarah walked into a pharmacy and told the pharmacist she needed some
cyanide. The pharmacist said, "Why in the world do you need cyanide?"
Sarah explained she needed it to poison her husband.

The pharmacist's eyes got big and he said, "Lord, have mercy. I
can't give you cyanide to kill your husband! That's against the law! I'll
lose my license; they'll throw us in jail...bad things will happen!
Absolutely not, you can NOT have any cyanide!"

Sarah reached into her purse and pulled out a picture of her husband
in bed...with the pharmacist's wife.

The pharmacist looked at the picture and replied, "Well, now. You
didn't tell me you had a prescription."