talkmagic.co.uk

Why We Like The British -

FROM BRITISH NEWSPAPERS

1) Commenting on a complaint from a Mr. Arthur Purdey about a large
gas bill, a spokesman for North West Gas said, "We agree it was rather
high for the time of year. It's possible Mr. Purdey has been charged
for the gas used up during the explosion that destroyed his house."
(The Daily Telegraph)

2) Police reveal that a woman arrested for shoplifting had a whole
salami in her underwear. When asked why, she said it was because she
was missing her Italian boyfriend. (The Manchester Evening News)

3) Irish police are being handicapped in a search for a stolen van,
because they cannot issue a description. It's a Special Branch vehicle
and they don't want the public to know what it looks like. (The
Guardian)

4) A young girl who was blown out to sea on a set of inflatable teeth
was rescued by a man on an inflatable lobster. A coast guard spokesman
commented, "This sort of thing is all too common". (The Times)

5) At the height of the gale, the harbourmaster radioed a coastguard
and asked him to estimate the wind speed. He replied he was sorry, but
he didn't have a gauge. However, if it was any help, the wind had just
blown his Land Rover off the cliff. ( Aberdeen Evening Express)

6) Mrs. Irene Graham of Thorpe Avenue, Boscombe, delighted the
audience with her reminiscence of the German prisoner of war who was
sent each week to do her garden. He was repatriated at the end of
1945, she recalled. "He'd always seemed a nice friendly chap, but when
the crocuses came up in the middle of our lawn in February 1946, they
spelt out 'Heil Hitler.'" ( Bournemouth Evening Echo)


A list of actual announcements that London Tube train drivers have
made to their passengers...

1) "Ladies and Gentlemen, I do apologize for the delay to your
service. I know you're all dying to get home, unless, of course, you
happen to be married to my ex-wife, in which case you'll want to cross
over to the Westbound and go in the opposite direction."

2) "Your delay this evening is caused by the line controller suffering
from E & B syndrome: not knowing his elbow from his backside. I'll let
you know any further information as soon as I'm given any."

3) "Do you want the good news first or the bad news? The good news is
that last Friday was my birthday and I hit the town and had a great
time. The bad news is that there is a points failure somewhere between
Stratford and East Ham, which means we probably won't reach our
destination."

4) "Ladies and gentlemen, we apologize for the delay, but there is a
security alert at Victoria station and we are therefore stuck here for
the foreseeable future, so let's take our minds off it and pass some
time together. All together now.... 'Ten green bottles, hanging on a
wall.....'."

5) "We are now travelling through Baker Street ... As you can see,
Baker Street is closed. It would have been nice if they had actually
told me, so I could tell you earlier, but no, they don't think about
things like that".

6) "Beggars are operating on this train. Please do NOT encourage these
professional beggars. If you have any spare change, please give it to
a registered charity. Failing that, give it to me."

7) During an extremely hot rush hour on the Central Line, the driver
announced in a West Indian drawl: "Step right this way for the sauna,
ladies and gentleman... unfortunately, towels are not provided."

8.) "Let the passengers off the train FIRST!" (Pause .) "Oh go on then,
stuff yourselves in like sardines, see if I care - I'm going home...."

9) "Please allow the doors to close. Try not to confuse this with
'Please hold the doors open.' The two are distinct and separate
instructions."

10) "Please note that the beeping noise coming from the doors means
that the doors are about to close. It does not mean throw yourself or
your bags into the doors."

11) "We can't move off because some idiot has their hand stuck in the
door."

12) "To the gentleman wearing the long grey coat trying to get on the
second carriage - what part of 'stand clear of the doors' don't you
understand?"

13) "Please move all baggage away from the doors." (Pause..) "Please
move ALL belongings away from the doors." (Pause...) "This is a
personal message to the man in the brown suit wearing glasses at the
rear of the train: Put the pie down, Four-eyes, and move your bl**dy
golf clubs away from the door before I come down there and shove them
up your a**e sideways!"

14) "May I remind all passengers that there is strictly no smoking
allowed on any part of the Underground. However, if you are smoking a
joint, it's only fair that you pass it round the rest of the carriage."

I saw a woman wearing a sweatshirt with 'Guess' on it. I said, 'Thyroid problem?'

When I was a kid I used to pray every night for a new bike. Then I realised that The Lord doesn't work that way, so I stole one and asked him to forgive me.

My mom was a ventriloquist and she always was throwing her voice. For ten years I thought the dog was telling me to kill my father.

I've often wanted to drown my troubles, but I can't get my wife to go swimming.

I was doing some decorating, so I got out my step-ladder. I don't get on with my real ladder.

I went to a restaurant that serves 'breakfast at any time'. So I ordered French Toast during the Renaissance.

Well I was bullied at school, called all kinds of different names. But one day I turned to my bullies and said - 'Sticks and stones may break my bones but names will never hurt me', and it worked! From there on it was sticks and stones all the way.

My Dad used to say 'always fight fire with fire', which is probably why he got thrown out of the fire brigade.

Sex is like a game of bridge: If you don't have a good partner, you’d better have a good hand.

I saw six men kicking and punching the mother-in-law. My neighbour said 'Are you going to help?' I said 'No, Six should be enough.'

If we aren't supposed to eat animals, then why are they made out of meat?

I think animal testing is a terrible idea; they get all nervous and give the wrong answers.

You know that look women get when they want sex? Me neither.

Politicians are wonderful people as long as they stay away from things they don't understand, such as working for a living.

I was the kid next door's imaginary friend.

Right now I'm having amnesia and deja vu at the same time. I think I've forgotten this before.

I'm not saying our house was damp but everytime we put mouse traps down we caught otters.

I wouldn't say she was ugly but...the milkman flirts with me!

She was so thin she had a sign on her saying this way up!

The wife gave me breakfast in bed this morning... it flew off the plate when she threw it. I didn't mind - there's something vaguely sensuous about a poached egg on quilt. I know why she was angry... I'd spilt cocoa all down her nightdress. Serves me right for wearing it.

The journey of a thousand miles begins with a broken fan belt and a flat tyre.

The darkest hours come just before the dawn.
So if you're going to steal your neighbour's milk and newspaper, that's the time to do it.

Sex is like air. It only becomes really important when you aren't getting any.

Don't aspire to become irreplaceable. If you can't be replaced, you can't be promoted.

Remember, no-one is listening until you f*rt.

Never forget that like everyone else, you are unique.

Never test the depth of the water with both feet.

If you think nobody cares whether you're dead or alive, try missing a couple of mortgage payments

Before you judge someone, you should walk a mile in their shoes.
That way, when you judge them, you're a mile away and you have their shoes.

If at first you don't succeed, avoid skydiving.

Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach him how to fish, and he will sit in a boat and drink beer all day.

Have you ever lent someone £20 and never seen that person again?
It was probably worth it.

If you tell the truth, you don't have to remember anything.

Some days we are the flies; some days we are the windscreen.

Don't worry; it only seems kinky the first time.

Good judgment comes from bad experience, and a lot of that comes from bad judgment.

The quickest way to double your money is to fold it in half and put it back in your pocket.

A closed mouth gathers no feet.

There are two theories about how to win an argument with a woman. Neither one works.

Generally speaking, you aren't learning much if your lips are moving.

Never miss a good chance to shut up.

Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it.

When we are born we are naked, wet, hungry, and we get smacked on our @rse. From there on in, life gets worse

The most wasted day of all is one in which we have not laughed.

Remember not to forget that which you do not need to know.

trashmanf wrote:what do you call a lesbian dino?

lickalotapuss!

Palmer Eldritch wrote:Two snowmen in a field...
One turns to the other and says... "Can you smell carrots?"