talkmagic.co.uk

They only work in Scotland:-


A Glasgow woman goes to the dentist and settles down in the chair.
"Comfy?" asks the dentist.
"Govan," she replies.


What did the Siamese twins from Glasgow call their autobiography?
Oor Wullie.


A guy walks into an antiques shop and says: "How much for the set of antlers?"
"Two hundred quid," says the bloke behind the counter.
"That's affa deer," says the guy.


Did you hear about the fella who liked eating bricks and cement?
He's awa' noo.


After announcing he's getting married, a boy tells his pal he'll be
wearing the kilt.
"And what's the tartan?" asks his mate.
"Oh, she'll be wearing a white dress," he replies.


What do you call a pigeon that goes to Aviemore for its holidays?
A skean dhu.


How many Spanish guys does it take to change a lightbulb? Just Juan.


A man takes a pair of shoes back to the shop and complains that there
is a lace missing.
"No," argues the assistant, "look at the label - it says Taiwan ."


What's the difference between The Rolling Stones and an Aberdeen sheep farmer?
The Rolling Stones say: "Hey you, get off of my cloud."
And an Aberdeen sheep farmer says: "Hey McLeod, get off of ma ewe."


What do you call an illegitimate Scottish insect?
A wee fly b*****d.


What about the Scotsman who lost his testicles in a motorcycle
accident? The surgeon re-attached them with Bostik.


While being interviewed for a job as a bus driver, a guy is asked:
"What would you do if you had a rowdy passenger?"
"I'd put him off at the next stop," he says.
"Good. And what would you do if you couldn't get the fare?"
"I'd take the first two weeks in August," he replies.


Two negatives make a positive but only in Scotland do two positives
make a negative - "Aye right."


A Glasgow man - steaming and skint - is walking down Argyle Street
when he spots a guy tinkering with the engine of his car.
"What's up, Jimmy?" he asks.
"Piston broke," he replies.
"Aye, same as masel..."

GaryGrace wrote:
A Glasgow woman goes to the dentist and settles down in the chair.
"Comfy?" asks the dentist.
"Govan," she replies.

Ive actually heard this in work:

It went along the lines of

DC: You comfy there
Dumfrieshire woman: A no I comfy doon the road!

No joke, but was hilarious when I heard it!

Ah the banter eh?

your the reincarnation of rikki fulton right?

I got a few of them.

Whenever I'm in Scotland or meet one I always get them to say "purple burgler alarm".

Its a tongue twister with the accent. Childish I know but always makes me laugh.

I'm from Scotland.
And I can say that...

pardon the spelling:

gonnae no dae thart...

just those four words make me chuckle, i have the chewin' the fat dvd set...used to love that series...and still game...

i used to get an old girlfriend who was from buckfast-land, to say worms...cos in her accent it came out almost as "worllums"...which i found very indearing...

and i was slightly taken aback when asked "what ya wantin' on ya piece?"

i gave a rude answer...

Anyone lucky enough to see Def Leppard & Whitesnake over the next few weeks may well be treated to Joe Elliott's Scottish impression taught to him by Ricky Warwick (who's from NI, go figure...). Loved the list though. Braw.

Just Juan! I get it now!