talkmagic.co.uk

You rate women in terms of how they'd fit the Zig Zag Illusion box rather than your bed.

You expect to buy your Christmas Cards at discounted 'brick' prices.

Your ever-loving asks if you've emptied the dustbin and you insist on taking a silk out of it just to prove it's empty.

You check your small change regularly in case you find an unintentionally spent Coin Unique.

You know that Houdini died in Detroit, Michigan at Grace Hospital in room 401 at 1:26 P.M. on October 31, 1926 but forget your own wedding anniversary.

Even your pajama pocket contains enough props for a 15 minute act.

Your credit card statement reads like a directory of International on-line magic suppliers and.....

Your Christmas prezzie wish list reads like one of their catalogues.

You know at least three different ways of levitating - and none of them involve camera trickery!

You see IT on your child's school syllabus and are disappointed to find it really means Information Technology.

You express righteous indignation at all these totally unnecessary Masked Magician type exposure TV shows - but watch and record them anyway in the interests of 'research'.

Your ever-loving whispers seductively that tonight's the night where you can get really close up - and you immediately start arranging chairs around the table to give you the best angles.

(OK folks, let's have your additions please!!)

worryingly enough i HAVE checked my change for a spent coin unique... heh heh

Even more worrying - although my pajama jacket contains enough for 15 minutes entertainment, the trousers only have 2 minute's worth. According to She Who Must Be Obeyed, that is.

hehe same as me and thats on a good night

You know you're a magician when...

You've been to your local stationery superstore at least twice to buy rubber bands

You're other half finds a signed playing card down the side of the sofa

You become obsessive about keeping your fingernails clean

You're standing in a shop queue, and start palming coins out of boredom

You suddenly respect the Jokers in a deck of cards as much as laypeople respect the rest of the deck

You openly criticise TV magicians - instead of saying 'wow' - when they do something amazing

You find yourself being able to remember at least the first and last four digits on your credit card, and know the signature strip code off by heart

You find yourself saying things like 'ordinary', 'regular', 'normal' before you say the word 'deck' ???

You smile inwardly and restrain yourself (as opposed to getting excited) when a layperson in your midst starts performing 'parlour' tricks down the pub

You gesture, hypnotically

You spend more time in front of the mirror than you're better half

You talk to yourself whilst alone at night, rehearsing your patter

You suddenly start buying Sharpies and Double-sided tape for the first time in your life

You start spotting Bicycle decks being used in films - and wonder why no-one else knows what the heck you're talking about

You find difficulty remembering jokes - but you can easily remember the names of effects and tricks - plus their authors

You open a PayPal account

You don't mind waiting for movies to load on internet pages

Someone orders a 'Scotch and Soda' at a bar, and you smile

You have an above-average knowledge of American and Chinese coinage

You can't sit down for dinner in a restaurant without 'scoping' the table for props or reasons to do a trick

You have a fascination with the postie's round

You become impatient and frustrated more easily by trivial things - such as a practicing a coin roll or how many Charlier cuts you can do in a minute

You appreciate the beauty of playing cards

You suddenly know what 'phalanges' are

You're perceived interpretation of what a 'stripper' deck is has changed dramatically from the one's you remember seeing in 'those' seaside shops when you were an adolescent

You start to wonder if you're hands might be smaller than average

You've never seen an aadvark - but you talk about them a lot

You've not said the words 'abracadabra' or 'hocus-pocus' in recent memory

You can't resist an off-table riffle shuffle when playing cards with friends

You sometimes wish you lived in the USA

May I suggest that further contributions to this thread are accompanied by full details of a recommended psychiatrist? Boy, do we need one!

You experience the "lord of the Rings effect", which is when you walk around with a TT in your pocket and get a constent inner calling to put your hand in the pocket and just slip it on for a few minutes, knowing full well that it WILL be invisible.

When learning to palm a coin you walk around all day with your hand shaped like a claw trying not to be too obvious, picking up pens and books - just because you can.

You can't pick a pen up without checking to see if the end comes away.

If anyone is wearing a jacket you constantly watch to see when the best time would be to slip a card in their pocket.

You can't go five minutes in any day of any week without wondering if any new messages have been posted on talk magic.

You can't look at a rubber band without wanting to make it penetrate something!

Your trousers contain "tardis" pockets. They are stuffed full of so much stuff you feel like a schoolboy - and half expect to pull out a catapault and a stick of gum evertime you look for something

When buying new trousers - your main consideration is how many pockets it has. (M&S do some great ones btw).

When you meet an attractive lady in the pub, your first thought is "I wonder how she'll act if she finds a spider on the back of her hand?"

The phrase, 'May the Force be with you' doesn't make you think of Obi-Wan Kenobi.

You know you can see an ID.

Someone asks you where they can find the Khyber Pass and you refer them to RRTCM.

You avoid metal topped desks and radiators in case your R***n is attracted to them and you end up stuck there all night.

You find nothing strange about a sentence which consists of abbreviations such as TT, IT, CMH. (And why is 'abbreviation' such a long word anyway?)

The only passes you make at girls are when you do your Ambitious Card routine.

You named your kids Elmsley, Charlier, Hofzinser, Jordan and Biddle.

When holding a dinner party you are serving the vegetables and you say, "Pick a potato. Any potato..."

you hold your knife and show three spots on one side...

You have cherries for afters and show everyone how you can tie a knot in the stem with your tongue.

The after dinner drinks come with a sheet of rubber stretched over the top.

When making a ham sandwhich you do a DL - to how the ham is actually on top...

When getting married, you are wondering how to incorporate a trick into the speech. (no seriously I am, next week - if anyone has any ideas...)

hmmmmm you could remove the ring from the piece of string your best man is holding???

or you could do some freaky mentalism effect that leaves everyone at the reception wondering if they really ate their meals or not (works out much cheaper than £30 a head!)

You could get Kylie Minogue to hide inside the wedding cake, and burst out of it wearing nothing but a swimsuit. Then, she comes over to you, asks if you like icing...


Errhhh... sorry... got a bit side-tracked...

How about a 'soppy' speech???

"Now, you all know I'm a bit of a trickster. But I've now got some competition - my dearest Mrs Bananafish. She's simply Magic!"

Give your family and friends enough time to start retching before telling them all that there are British-Caledonian standard Sick Bags beneath each chair.

Other tricks to play at weddings...
The throwing of the bouquet: Pick a bridesmaid, any bridesmaid

The coming together of distant relations and alcohol: Pick a fight, any fight

The linking rings: get two rings which are joined, and when the best man things you're about to hand him the REAL two rings, transpose them and drop the joined rings into his palm - close his fist around them, and guide them into his pocket. He'll have kittens during the ceremony.

Mass hypnosis: Convince a room full of blokes that they can dance quite well

The Torn and Restored Heart routine: Jilt the bride at the altar - then tell her you were joking

The Inverted Mentalism Trick: This one's bizarre... instead of putting thoughts INTO peoples minds, just drink alcohol from 12pm midday and the next day, most thoughts you had the day before will vanish! Unfortunately, your mates will have a habit of reminding you of how many old ladies you danced with and how many bridesmaids you snogged - not to mention telling your best mate how much you love him - publically, and falling over onto the disco - and having the DJ have to be pulled away from you after you called him a useless prat.

OK, still with bit of a nod to the wedding theme:

Your best man produces a Himber ring from the strangest of places!

The person officiating at the service doesn't ask if you know cause or just impediment why you can't be married - they just ask if you're happy with your choice or would you like to change your mind. Are you sure? OK then.

Nobody throws confetti - just loads of Woofle Dust

Most of the presents on your Wedding list are available ex stock from emagictricks.co.uk.

Halfway through the reception you suddenly realise your new Mother-In-Law is a dead ringer for the Masked Magician.

At breakfast in the honeymoon hotel, you automatically riffle shuffle and false cut the toast before dealing it on to your spouse's plate, telling her to say 'stop' anytime and that's the piece you'll use.

You produce a Sharpie and ask her to autograph the piece of toast so she'll recognise it later on.

Your reputation is totally destroyed when your spouse sees you buying tights in M&S - and you can't let on it's your usual source for IET.

All your mates at talkmagic raise their (remote) glasses of champagne and wish you every health and happiness!

Thanks guys for all the wedding ideas - Hhhmmmm, maybe I should have mentioned I do actually want to stay married!!

So do you think producing a bouquet of flowers for the future mother in law be tasteful?

Depends where you produce them from!

are you saying I should follow up with my elephant impersonation?