talkmagic.co.uk

my grampa always used to tell me, he'd say sonny, don't put poison in your mouth. you don't know where that poison's been.

say, do you guys know what the redneck did with his first fifty-cent piece?

he married her!

A crusty old man knocks on the Vicarage door and says to the Vicar's Wife, "I would like to join this damn church."
The astonished woman replies, "I beg your pardon, sir. I must have misunderstood you. What did you say?"
"Listen cloth-ears, I said I want to join this damn church!"
"I'm very sorry sir, but that kind of language is not tolerated in this church."
The lady then calls the Vicar, tells him what's happened and ask him to come and deal with the situation. He agrees that foul language isn’t appropriate and goes out to the man. "Sir, what seems to be the problem here?"
"There is no damn problem," the man says. "I just inherited £200 million and I want to join this damn church to get rid of some of this damn money." "I see," said the Vicar. "And is this bitch giving you a hard time?"

stephenmagic wrote::lol: Man goes to the Doctor's and says "Doctor.. I keep getting the urge to wear tight leather pants, date young girls and sing in a Welsh accent" the doctor examines him and says "Sir you have Tom Jones syndrome" "MY God is it rare" asks the man
"Well" says the Doctor "It's Not Unusual"

LOL!

6 Hell's angels ride up to a bar. They all climb off and go in. Sitting by the bar is a small, weedy old man with a pint. Seeing an opportunity, they decide to have some fun. They throw his hat around, shake the stool he's sitting on, give him a push and a shove and generally irritate him and mess him up. The man however takes no notice. He quietly finishes his drink, gathers his belongings and leaves. The men now all look at each other and sidle up to the bar. "Well that was a disappointment" says one. "We did the best we could to get a reaction but got nothing. He wasn't much of a sport was he?"
"He's not much of a driver either" said the landlord, "he's just backed his 18-wheeler over 6 brand new motorbikes!!"

Here is a joke that my husband played on me not too long ago…

Husband: Do you think you can jump higher than the house?
Me: Impossible
Husband: Oh yes you can
Me: No way

So he asked me to jump. I was thinking to myself that I only could jump 2 feet high thus impossible to jump higher than the house. I looked at my husband a bit strange but jumped anyway.

He then smiled and said, “Seeeeee, you could jump higher than the house because it can’t jump.”

thats just awful....

A bride on her wedding night sits down with her new husband and says ' I have a confession to make'

'What is it my darling?' asks her husband

'Before I met you I used to be a hooker.'

'Don't worry' says her husband 'Your past is in your past, it's the future that matters. why don't you tell me more about it'

'Ok' says the wife 'my name was Mike and I played for Munster...'

A man phones a dentist to enquire about the cost for a tooth extraction.
"£185 for an extraction, sir" the dentist replied.
"Wow £185!!! Don't you have anything cheaper?"
"That's the normal charge," said the dentist.
"What about if you didn't use any anaesthetic?"
"That's unusual, sir, but I could do it and knock £50 off.
"What about if you used one of your dentist trainees and still without an anaesthetic?"
"I can't guarantee their professionalism and it'll be painful. But the price could drop to £70".
"How about if you made it a training session, and one of your students can do the extraction with the other students watching and learning?"
"It'll be good for the students", mulled the dentist. "and it's going to be very traumatic, but I'll charge you £10."
"Now you talking brother! It's a deal," said the farmer. "Can you confirm an appointment for my wife next Tuesday then?"

This is a bit rude so apologies in advance....

The Lone Ranger was ambushed and captured by an enemy Indian war party. The Indian Chief proclaims, 'So, you are the great Lone Ranger. In honour of coming Harvest Festival, you will be executed in three days. But, before I kill you, I will grant you three requests. What your first request?'

The Lone Ranger responds, 'I'd like to speak to my horse.'

The Chief nods and Silver is brought before the Lone Ranger, who whispers in Silver's ear, and the horse gallops away.

Later that evening, Silver returns with a beautiful blonde woman on his back. As the Indian Chief watches, the blonde enters the Lone Ranger's Tent and spends the night.

The next morning the Indian Chief admits he's impressed. 'You have very fine and loyal horse, but I still kill you in two days. What your second
request?'

The Lone Ranger again asks to speak to his horse. Silver is brought to him, and he again whispers in the horse's ear. As before, Silver takes off across the plains and disappears over the horizon.

Later that evening, to the Chief's surprise, Silver again returns, this time with a brunette, even more attractive than the blonde. She enters the Lone
Ranger's tent and spends the night.

The following morning the Indian Chief is again impressed. 'You are indeed a man of many talents, but still kill you tomorrow. 'What your last
request?'.

The Lone Ranger responds,' I'd like to speak to my horse....ALONE.' The Chief is curious, but he agrees, and Silver is brought to the Lone Ranger's tent.

Once they're alone, the Lone Ranger grabs Silver by both ears, looks him square in the eye and says loudly : 'Listen very carefully, you dickhead, for the last time.......... . BRING POSSE!!!!'

stephenmagic wrote:I was out the other day and I saw a man hitting a brillo pad with a hammer. I asked what he doing and he said he was looking for the way to 'Hammer Brillo'

(this will mean nothing to our international friends will it!)

I don't get it.

.:Ham:.

.:Ham:. wrote:

stephenmagic wrote:I was out the other day and I saw a man hitting a brillo pad with a hammer. I asked what he doing and he said he was looking for the way to 'Hammer Brillo'

(this will mean nothing to our international friends will it!)

I don't get it.

.:Ham:.

That was posted on 10 Aug 2006 and you probably had to be there at the time.

Boy asks his gran, "Gran, have you seen my LSD tablets?" Gran says, "F*** the tablets - have you seen the dragons in the kitchen??!!"

1. If you take an Oriental person and spin him around several times, does he become disoriented?
2. If people from Poland are called Poles, why aren't people from Holland called Holes?
3. Do infants enjoy infancy as much as adults enjoy adultery?
4. If a pig loses its voice, is it disgruntled?
5. If love is blind, why is lingerie so popular?
6. Why is the man who invests all your money called a broker?
7. When cheese gets its picture taken, what does it say?
8. Why is a person who plays the piano called a pianist but a person who drives a race car not called a racist?
9. Why are a wise man and a wise guy opposites?
10. Why do overlook and oversee mean opposite things?
11. Why isn't the number 11 pronounced onety one?
12. 'I am' is reportedly the shortest sentence in the English language. Could it be that 'I do' is the longest sentence?
13. If lawyers are disbarred and clergymen defrocked, doesn't it follow that electricians can be delighted, musicians denoted,
cowboys deranged, models deposed, tree surgeons debarked, and dry cleaners depressed?
14. What hair color do they put on the driver's licenses of bald men?
16. I thought about how mothers feed their babies with tiny little spoons and forks so I wondered what do Chinese mothers use? Toothpicks?
17. Why do they put pictures of criminals up in the Post Office? Why didn’t they arrest them when the picture was being taken?
18. You never really learn to swear until you learn to drive.
19. No one ever says, 'It's only a game' when their team is winning.
20. Last night I played a blank DVD at full blast. The mime artist next door went nuts.
21. Ever wonder about those people who spend £2.00 apiece on those little bottles of Evian water? Try spelling Evian backwards
22. Isn't making a smoking section in a restaurant like making a peeing section in a swimming pool?
24. If 4 out of 5 people suffer from diarrhoea. Does that mean that one out of five enjoys it?

25. Why is "abbreviation" such a long word?
26. If night falls, why does day break?

whats the difference between louis hamilton and the england football team...

even though they both lost, one still had a mclaren the next morning...