talkmagic.co.uk

Ok, not strictly magic, but give yourself a break from knuckle-busting with the cards and have a laugh (hopefully) for a few minutes! Comments welcome...

The following events occur in real time:


0800 - Jack bursts into CTU where he is confronted by Audrey Raines. After an awkward ‘Why the long face?’ comment, he is informed of a shocking early morning development – Bill Buchanan has slept in… again.

0900 - With the clock ticking, Jack puts Edgar in charge of the Field Ops briefing as Bill has still not arrived – a decision that he later regrets after Edgar eats the office junior then tries to blame Mustafa Obeq-Mahoof, claiming he’s a ‘dirty agent’.

1000 - Bill eventually turns up, worryingly wearing womans clothing, and apologises for being late before summoning Chloe to his office to look at his ‘personal socket’.

1100 - Mustafa Obeq-Mahoof ‘accidentally’ logs on to the CIA Top Secret Terrorist Page and downloads 897GB of data. Bill, on the ball as ever, spots this and is about to confront Mustafa when he remembers that the topic of conversation on this morning’s Jerry Springer show is cross-dressing and instead orders a CTU lock-down before retiring to his office for ‘security reasons’. Bill later claims that the moaning noises coming from his office were made by his stapler.

1200 - Jack suddenly realises why Audrey is so ugly when he meets her father, Secretary of Defence – James Heller - a man that looks like the Elephant Man after 35 pints of vodka, an ultra vicious beating and a savage mauling by a rottweiler.

1300 - Down town LA and terrorists seize control of a bank, claiming their leader is a man called Mustafa Obeq-Mahoof. Back at CTU, Bill, Mustafa and the rest of the team have a laugh over tea and biscuits at this amazing name coincidence before Mustafa corners Bill in the ladies toilets (after Bill ‘takes a wrong turn’) and tries to convince him that Heller is a mole. Bill laughs at these claims stating that, although Heller is as ugly as a baboon’s backside, he’s no mole.

1400 - Heller turns himself in as a mole but claims Audrey is clean.

1500 - Bill confirms that he always had his suspicions about Heller but knew that Audrey was clean.

1600 - Audrey turns herself in as a mole.

1700 - Bill confirms that he always had his suspicions about Audrey and asks Chloe to open a socket to ‘Thai She-Males’ as he believes the programmer of this website was working with Audrey and Heller before ordering another lock-down and retiring to his office for a ‘conference call with Spiderman’.

1800 - Jack arrives at the bank that is under heist with Tony and claims that the operation would have a better chance of succeeding if they split up. Tony breaks down and says that although their relationship has been on the rocks, he wouldn’t be able to cope if he and Jack split up. Jack slaps Tony and tells him that he loves Audrey, despite the fact that she is a mole that looks like a horse.

1900 - Dejected, Tony decides to ‘go dark’ and ceases all communication with Jack and CTU. It is later discovered that Tony actually ended up fulfilling his life-long ambition of playing Jesus Christ in his local Church’s Xmas Panto. Rehearsals went swimmingly but chaos broke out on the night of the show when they tried to nail him to the cross. 34 people ended up dead, including the Priest, who was horrifically skinned alive by Tony before being decorated like a xmas tree and set on fire. Tony later blamed this personal blip on stress and was awarded $10,000 in compensation and awarded a medal of honor for extreme bravery.

2000 - Jack takes out all the terrorists from the bank. First they go to the zoo and then the cinema before grabbing some dinner at a nice wee Italian place that Jack used to take Audrey to before they barred her for doing the toilet on the floor.

2100 - Over dinner, Jack uses extremely subtle interrogation techniques (like slicing off limbs with a spoon) to establish that the bank heist was only the tip of the iceberg and that the terrorists plan to obtain control of a nuclear bomb. Jack calls Bill on his cell to update him but continually gets ‘Madame Buchanan’s’ voicemail.

2200 - Back at CTU, Jack assures Audrey and Heller that plastic surgery is the way forward and also pushes them for info on the nuclear bomb. Heller refuses to talk, but after Jack feeds Audrey a couple of sugar cubes, she spills the beans and reveals that Mustafa is actually a terrorist attempting to obtain release codes for nuclear weapons and is also trying to discover the secret ingredient in Coca Cola.

2300 - Chloe is forced to work behind Bill’s back as he is refusing to answer to ‘Bill’, instead instructing CTU staff to call him ‘Big Bill’.

0000 - A new lead emerges and Jack must face up to the fact that the President may be complicit in the nuclear bomb plot. Amazingly, only Big Bill believes him and admits that he always had suspicions about the President.

0100 - Jack visits the loo and makes a bacon roll before warming up for some action by beating Edgar into a coma. Big Bill and the rest of the CTU staff find this hilarious and proceed to dress Edgar like a schoolgirl. Unsurprisingly, this was Big Bill's idea.

0200 - Jack arrives at the White House and is horrified to find the President on all fours, barking down the phone to ‘Big Bill'. The depth of the conspiracy hits Jack like a freight train when he realises that there is nobody he can trust. In a desperate act of desperation, the President reveals that he was responsible for the assassination of JFK, framing Michael Jackson for his various charges, the New Year’s day tsunami, Sylvester Stallone’s mum’s horrific plastic surgery, the lean in the leaning tower of Pisa and the birth of Hitler through artificial insemination and time travel.

0300 - Jack, stunned by these revelations, kills the President and rips out his insides before slipping into his skin to assume the identity of the President. Secret Service attempt to stop him as he leaves, but he swiftly delivers a hurricane kick and several fireballs before he escapes into the night as the most highly powered fugitive in American history.

0400 - Before bringing down the network of terrorism, Jack decides to use his new found celebrity status to its absolute potential. He beds Madonna, Pamela Anderson and Colin Farrell, goes on Oprah and openly calls Saddam Hussein and Osama Bin Laden ‘uphill gardeners’, changes the name of the Statue of Liberty to the ‘Big Man of the Big Apple’, appears on Friends as one of Joey’s brothers that touches up Phoebe (although not in the script) and brings a law into effect stating that every newborn baby boy must be called Jack Bauer.

0500 - Back at CTU, Big Bill has had a further breakdown and has taken Heller and Audrey hostage. In an amazing twist of fate, Chloe actually reveals that she’s a former German croquet champion that studied hostage situation management and electrical engineering (hence her fascination with sockets) whilst commuting to LA from Berlin everyday for the last 12 years.

0600 - As Chloe attempts to broker a deal with Big Bill (involving immunity, a manicure and gift vouchers for a health spa), Jack returns from his travels with sweets, ice cream and a stripper to celebrate the safe resolution of the day’s manic events.

0700 - Big Bill recognizes the stripper as Tee-pee Mongtu, his mail-order bride from Thai She-Males and safely hands over the gun to Jack. In a flash, Jack whips out 23 feet of cheese wire and shreds Bitch into billions of little cubes that will no doubt make an excellent addition to the CTU buffet. Not forgetting the role that Heller and Audrey played in the events of today, and their incomprehensible ugliness, Jack decides to present them both with lightsabers and instructs them to fight to the death. As the joust takes place the bets flood in. Finally, Audrey stands over Heller, ready to spear him in the heart before Heller mumbles – ‘Look, I am your father’ to which she replies ‘I am nobody’s foal’ as she stabs him in the face with her saber. Audrey collapses in shock and exhaustion before Jack can tell her that he still loves her. Thankfully, she is rushed to CTU medical where Jack is informed her condition is serious but ‘stable’

is CTU - card thru underpant?

No it's 'card to udder'
I tried it out once, but my audience just thought I was milking it.