talkmagic.co.uk

a couple of quickies---

a guy from aberdeen(scotland) walks into a bar in cardif(wales) and orders a white wine. everybody in the bar turns round and snarls at the strange man.
bar man says"you aint from around here are you boy"
scotsman says"does the kilt give it away"
barman"what you do in scotland"
scotsman"im a taxidermist"
barman"taxidermist whats that"
scotsman"i mount sheep and other animals"
barman shouts to the locals
"he's ok lads he is one of us"

hahahahaha not funny i know

sick one now-
in a hospital treating land mine victims a little boy wakes up
little boy"doc i cant feel my legs"
doc"i know we amputated both your arms"

sorry jokes are s***

if at first you dont succeed, redefine succeed

http://www.talkmagic.co.uk/ftopic10978. ... light=joke
http://www.talkmagic.co.uk/ftopic16250. ... light=joke
http://www.talkmagic.co.uk/ftopic10297. ... light=joke

That last one made me chuckle though

..i thought i saw a baby ghost the other day; it turns out it was just a small hankie...

What do you call a donkey with 3 legs?

A wonkey

Have you heard about the big wall? I can't get over it.

But do you know what I can't understand? Chinese writing

Thats great but do you know what I can't get my head around? Corners

And finally have you heard about the 3 wells?

well well well!!

Two eggs are frying in a pan and one says to the other "its hot in here isn't it?" The other egg then says "Holy s**t its a talking egg!!"

They're terrible I know but they still make me laugh.

http://www.talkmagic.co.uk/ftopic15591. ... light=joke

There are some quality ones in there

Wills wrote:What do you call a donkey with 3 legs?

A wonkey

Reminds me of a joke - I can't quite remember it all so I've had to improvise a lil'


What do you call a donkey with 3 legs?
A wonky donkey.

What do you call a donkey with 1 eye and 3 legs?
A winky wonky donkey.

What do you call a small donkey with 1 eye and 3 legs?
A dinky winky wonky donkey.

What do you call a small donkey with 1 eye and 3 legs that has bad B.O.?
A stinky dinky winky wonky donkey.

What do you call a small donkey with 1 eye and 3 legs that has bad B.O. that plays the piano?
A plinky plonky stinky dinky winky wonky donkey.

What do you call a small donkey with 1 eye and 3 legs that has bad B.O. that plays the piano in the style of ragtime?
A honky tonky plinky plonky stinky dinky winky wonky donkey.

What do you call a small donkey with 1 eye and 3 legs that has bad B.O. that plays the piano in the style of ragtime and drives a bus?

F***ing talented !!!

A bloke walks into the doctor's surgery to have a mole removed from his private parts.

That's the last time he'll attempt to have nookies with a rodent...

What's the best joke in the world?

...

This one

How do you kill a circus?


Go for the Juggler.

"I had tea this morning with two lumps - the wife and her mother." - Benny Hill

what's the last thing that goes through a fly's mind as it hits a windscreen?

Its backside

A duck walks in to a bar. It looks up at the barman and says "have you got any bread?" The barman looks down at the duck and says "no we haven';t now clear off"

15 minutes later the duck is back. Again he looks up at the barman "Have you got any bread?". The barman is getting annoyed and shouts a bit. "No we haven't now clear off"

15 minutes later the duck is back looking at the barman "have you got any bread?". The barman is rattled now. "No we damned well haven't now clear off and if you come back in here again I will nail your beak to the bar.

15 minutes later the duck is back again. The barman gives him a threatening look. The duck asks, "have you got any nails?" The barman answers "no we haven't", so the duck looks up again "have you got any bread?"

I'm against hunting, in fact I'm a hunt saboteur. I go out the night before and shoot the fox.

I was in a chinese restaurant and a duck came out of the kitchen walked up to my table holding a red rose. IT came up to me and said "The stars were taken from the sky and put into your eyes". I looked up and shouted to the waiter "I ordered Aromatic duck!"

I slept like a log last night. Woke up in the fireplace

Shakespere walked into a pub and the barman says "Get out your Bard"

Dont knock masterbation. it's sex with someone I love

Apparently, 1 in 5 people in the world are Chinese. And there are 5 people in my family, so it must be one of them. It's either my mum or my dad. Or my older brother Colin. Or my younger brother Ho-Chan-Chu. But I think it's Colin

Johnny Wizz wrote:A duck walks in to a bar. It looks up at the barman and says "have you got any bread?" The barman looks down at the duck and says "no we haven';t now clear off"

15 minutes later the duck is back. Again he looks up at the barman "Have you got any bread?". The barman is getting annoyed and shouts a bit. "No we haven't now clear off"

15 minutes later the duck is back looking at the barman "have you got any bread?". The barman is rattled now. "No we damned well haven't now clear off and if you come back in here again I will nail your beak to the bar.

15 minutes later the duck is back again. The barman gives him a threatening look. The duck asks, "have you got any nails?" The barman answers "no we haven't", so the duck looks up again "have you got any bread?"

Exhausted the barman grabs the duck by the throat and says

'' Say D as in Duck '' .... Duck says ' D'

''Say P as in Pint '' .. Duck says ' P '

Now say F as in Bread ' ... Duck looks confused '' There's not F in bread ''

'' THATS WHAT IVE BEEN TRYING TO TELL YOU !!!! ''

here's another one, btw nothing against the mexicans

What do you call one mexican on the moon?
A Problem

What do you call two mexicans on the moon?
two problems

What do you call three mexicans on the moon?
three problems

What do you call all the mexicans on the moon?
Problem solved


( i find that you can change meicans to anything)