talkmagic.co.uk

Found this on one of my strolls thru cyberspace lol

ONE LINERS
Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine.
We are born naked, wet and hungry. Then things get worse.
Suicidal twin kills sister by mistake!
I'm not a complete idiot, some parts are missing.
Always remember you're unique, just like everyone else.
He who laughs last thinks slowest.
Friends help you move. Real friends help you move bodies.
What is a "free" gift ? Aren't all gifts free?
I used to have a handle on life, then it broke.
Don't take life too seriously, you won't get out alive.
I don't suffer from insanity. I enjoy every minute of it.
The gene pool could use a little chlorine.
Where there's a will, I want to be in it.
We have enough youth, how about a fountain of SMART?
Maintenance-free means when it breaks, it can't be fixed.
Microwave: Signal from a friendly micro...
BITS
Comical Names:
Bill Fold
Art Glass
Sal Monella
Al Toona
Ben Dover
Helen Hunt
Aretha Flowers
This trick is so amazing, it made:
Linda Tripp
Stevie Wonder
Al Hirt
Betty White
Tom Cruise
Maxwell Smart
Judith Light
Norman Fell
Pete Best
Ben Blue
Al Green
Martin Short

HECKLER STOPPERS
These rather insulting comments should not be used lightly with an audience (be careful!), but when you need 'em, you need 'em!
I suppose:

For you, dating means spray-painting your girlfriend's name on an overpass.
You consider a six-pack and a bug zapper quality entertainment.
You have lost at least one tooth opening a beer bottle.
Your dad walks you to school because you are both in the same grade.
You have been fired from a construction job because of your
appearance.
You consider your license plate personalized because your dad made it.
With just one sniff of some cow manure, you can identify the breed of cattle it came from.
Your belt buckle is bigger than most hubcaps.
You think Superman is a real guy.
You can't figure out why lite beer weighs just as much as the regular
beer.
You can say complete sentences without using a single word from
Webster's Dictionary.
You have to dust off the silverware each year when relatives come
over for Thanksgiving
The barber lost three combs in your hair the last time you had it cut.
You've sent in a resume to appear on America's Most Wanted.
You think the "seven-year itch" has something to do with your
underwear.
Your friends think you are a celebrity because your picture appears
in post offices throughout the country.
You've always dreamed of visiting Yosemite National Park to meet your childhood idol, Yosemite Sam.
You think that crushing beer cans on your forehead will attract your kind of woman. (Trouble is, it usually works).

He's so big that when he goes to a restaurant, he looks at the menu and says "okay!".
He's so big that when he sat on a quarter, a booger shot out of George Washington's nose.
He's so big that when he hauls butt, he has to make two trips.
She's so stupid that she puts lipstick on her head just to make-up her mind.
He's so ugly that when he entered an ugly contest, they said "Sorry, no professionals allowed."
He's so old that when God said let there be light, he's the one who hit the switch.
He's so old that he owes Jesus 3 bucks.
He's so bald you can see what's on his mind.
He's so bald that he took a shower and got brain-washed.
He's so tall if he did a back-flip, he'd kick God in the mouth.
His glasses are so thick I bet he can see into the future.


HOUDINI JOKES
If Houdini were alive today, what would he be famous for?
He'd be the oldest man alive.
If Houdini were alive today, what would he be doing?
Scratching on the inside of his coffin.

Coupla' little additions for now:

(When fumbling) I'd give my right arm to be ambidexterous
(When spec mishears you) Don't listen to me...I never do
(Dealing with female Heckler) Lady, give it a rest. After all, do I turn up at your job, and start bouncing on all the beds?


Any more, folks?