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Got this sent by a friend:

The English Language

Have you ever wondered why foreigners have trouble with the English Language?

Isn't English actually a strange language?

There is no egg in the eggplant
No ham in the hamburger
And neither pine nor apple in the pineapple.
English muffins were not invented in England
French fries were not invented in France.

We sometimes take English for granted
But if we examine its paradoxes we find that
Quicksand takes you down slowly
Boxing rings are square
And a guinea pig is neither from Guinea nor is it a pig.

If writers write, how come fingers don't fing.
If the plural of tooth is teeth
Shouldn't the plural of phone booth be phone beeth
If the teacher taught,
Why didn't the preacher praught.

If a vegetarian eats vegetables
What the heck does a humanitarian eat!?
Why do people recite at a play
Yet play at a recital?
Park on driveways and
Drive on parkways

You have to marvel at the unique lunacy
Of a language where a house can burn up as
It burns down
And in which you fill in a form
By filling it out
And a bell is only heard once it goes!

English was invented by people, not computers
And it reflects the creativity of the human race
(Which of course isn't a race at all)

That is why
When the stars are out they are visible
But when the lights are out they are invisible
And why it is that when I wind up my watch
It starts
But when I wind up this observation,
It ends.

i blame the germans, greeks and the nordic creeds for messing with it fundamentals...

and i blame the germans entirely for translating the bible into english...

gunnarkr wrote:Got this sent by a friend:

The English Language

There is no egg in the eggplant
No ham in the hamburger
And neither pine nor apple in the pineapple.
English muffins were not invented in England
French fries were not invented in France.

No offense but isn't it due to misconceptions like this that English gastronomy is so infamous? Seriously, please give me some examples of good English food and I promise I'll make an effort and try them out next time I'm in England.

toad in the hole with onion sauce
roast beef sandwich with horseradish sauce
scottish venison
aberdeen angus beef
in fact, any sandwich at all...cos it was our earl what invented it...
fish n chips
cornish pasty
a fry-up when faced with a hang over...
strong yorkshire tea with a bacon roll...

the thing to remember is that we're a mongrel race...so...everything!

Gee, thanks.

When I have a hangover I need pasta to come to terms with myself.

...and pronunciation

Poem of English pronunciation

Dearest creature in creation,
Study English pronunciation.
I will teach you in my verse
Sounds like corpse, corps, horse, and worse.
I will keep you, Suzy, busy,
Make your head with heat grow dizzy.
Tear in eye, your dress will tear.
So shall I! Oh hear my prayer.

Just compare heart, beard, and heard,
Dies and diet, lord and word,
Sword and sward, retain and Britain.
(Mind the latter, how it's written.)
Now I surely will not plague you
With such words as plaque and ague.
But be careful how you speak:
Say break and steak, but bleak and streak;
Cloven, oven, how and low,
Script, receipt, show, poem, and toe.

Hear me say, devoid of trickery,
Daughter, laughter, and Terpsichore,
Typhoid, measles, topsails, aisles,
Exiles, similes, and reviles;
Scholar, vicar, and cigar,
Solar, mica, war and far;
One, anemone, Balmoral,
Kitchen, lichen, laundry, laurel;
Gertrude, German, wind and mind,
Scene, Melpomene, mankind.

Billet does not rhyme with ballet,
Bouquet, wallet, mallet, chalet.
Blood and flood are not like food,
Nor is mould like should and would.
Viscous, viscount, load and broad,
Toward, to forward, to reward.
And your pronunciation's OK
When you correctly say croquet,
Rounded, wounded, grieve and sieve,
Friend and fiend, alive and live.

Ivy, privy, famous; clamour
And enamour rhyme with hammer.
River, rival, tomb, bomb, comb,
Doll and roll and some and home.
Stranger does not rhyme with anger,
Neither does devour with clangour.
Souls but foul, haunt but aunt,
Font, front, wont, want, grand, and grant,
Shoes, goes, does. Now first say finger,
And then singer, ginger, linger,
Real, zeal, mauve, gauze, gouge and gauge,
Marriage, foliage, mirage, and age.

Query does not rhyme with very,
Nor does fury sound like bury.
Dost, lost, post and doth, cloth, loth.
Job, nob, bosom, transom, oath.
Though the differences seem little,
We say actual but victual.
Refer does not rhyme with deafer.
Foeffer does, and zephyr, heifer.
Mint, pint, senate and sedate;
Dull, bull, and George ate late.
Scenic, Arabic, Pacific,
Science, conscience, scientific.

Liberty, library, heave and heaven,
Rachel, ache, moustache, eleven.
We say hallowed, but allowed,
People, leopard, towed, but vowed.
Mark the differences, moreover,
Between mover, cover, clover;
Leeches, breeches, wise, precise,
Chalice, but police and lice;
Camel, constable, unstable,
Principle, disciple, label.

Petal, panel, and canal,
Wait, surprise, plait, promise, pal.
Worm and storm, chaise, chaos, chair,
Senator, spectator, mayor.
Tour, but our and succour, four.
Gas, alas, and Arkansas.
Sea, idea, Korea, area,
Psalm, Maria, but malaria.
Youth, south, southern, cleanse and clean.
Doctrine, turpentine, marine.

Compare alien with Italian,
Dandelion and battalion.
Sally with ally, yea, ye,
Eye, I, ay, aye, whey, and key.
Say aver, but ever, fever,
Neither, leisure, skein, deceiver.
Heron, granary, canary.
Crevice and device and aerie.

Face, but preface, not efface.
Phlegm, phlegmatic, ass, glass, bass.
Large, but target, gin, give, verging,
Ought, out, joust and scour, scourging.
Ear, but earn and wear and tear
Do not rhyme with here but ere.
Seven is right, but so is even,
Hyphen, roughen, nephew Stephen,
Monkey, donkey, Turk and jerk,
Ask, grasp, wasp, and cork and work.

Pronunciation -- think of Psyche!
Is a paling stout and spikey?
Won't it make you lose your wits,
Writing groats and saying grits?
It's a dark abyss or tunnel:
Strewn with stones, stowed, solace, gunwale,
Islington and Isle of Wight,
Housewife, verdict and indict.

Finally, which rhymes with enough --
Though, through, plough, or dough, or cough?
Hiccough has the sound of cup.
My advice is to give up!

I always wondered why flies fly but bees don't be.....why, when you want logs for a fire, you cut a tree down then cut it up....

Gunnar:

Yeah the english language is meant to be one of the hardest to learn. Then people from northern ireland butcher it even further. I've pasted a few quotes below, beer in mind that these quotes are taken from the BBC website and just not something I've come up with.

* Suck the back of them- You are talking nonsense and I am not going to do what you suggest
* Craic (pron “crack”)– various meanings including the score, the story, the information, news, fun
* Half gate – half of the agreed transaction fee
* Hood – a delinquent youth
* Wee buns – that’s very easy
* Blootered – drunk
* You’d eat the balls off a skunk - you have a voracious appetite
* Header – someone with a volatile and possibly psychopathic personality

The worst anomaly for me is when a word just DOESN'T EXIST...

you can say: he is or he isn't

you can say: you are or you aren't

you can say: I am but then...... ??? why doesn't the word "amn't" exist

azraelws6 wrote:you can say: I am but then...... ??? why doesn't the word "amn't" exist

it does in a way, the now dead poet/comedian Ivor Cutler had a song called "gee, am'n't i lucky!"...he was a Scot...and they have a lovely way with words...

on the Velvet Donkey album if i remember correctly..

I'm lost

hmmm... poetic license. I guess you can get away with just about anything in a poem/song!

The correct way would be to say "aren't I lucky"... but then, YOU are lucky, I "ARE" lucky?

just plain nonsense....

i could rant for hours about this. but i'll stick with the basic
like why the hell is the past tense of GO, WENT? madness. laws just went out the window on that one!

abraxus wrote:toad in the hole with onion sauce
roast beef sandwich with horseradish sauce
scottish venison
aberdeen angus beef
in fact, any sandwich at all...cos it was our earl what invented it...
fish n chips
cornish pasty
a fry-up when faced with a hang over...
strong yorkshire tea with a bacon roll...

the thing to remember is that we're a mongrel race...so...everything!

Cornish cream tea
Cheese on toast with worcester sauce
Stilton
Pickle
Beer
Beer
Beer