talkmagic.co.uk

I wondered if I may offer my services to any magicians here who may be looking for a new manager.

I promise to be totally uninspiring, rubbish at the job and thoroughly disappoint everyone. I just need to confirm how many millions I get paid when you sack me...

Do you have a track record of zero accomplishments, the personality of a wardrobe, the vision of a blinkered pit pony but above all the ability to move unoticed through marble halls where self interested ageing old school boys are sleeping?

If so, there is a job out there just waiting for you to apply..................

As a Mentalist who deals only with adult audiences, I hope that if I sign up with you I should be receiving some quality bookings for children's magic shows and balloon modelling!

Nothing like being played out of position

Well, actually, this could be of use...

One potential 'gig' I have this Xmas is at a local brewery... I wonder, would you be willing to help me out with this first one... basically you're organisitation skills would be of most use here... basically organising a party there for about 50 people...

I had another potential manager on the phone this morning who was in-between jobs, but he certainly didn't meet the above criteria.

seige wrote:One potential 'gig' I have this Xmas is at a local brewery...

P*ss up in a brewery... yes I definitely couldn't organize one of those! When can I start!

I'm interested but would ideally like the summer off. What are the prospects for this?

yes is summer 08 free next year? all my foreign managers seem to be booked for some reason...

I could be the guy who writes your after show press speach
For example if you needed a speach as to why you played Totally Mental as a balloon modeller, how about this...

I think we should concentrate on the positives, you can't just get a load of balloons and expect to be able to blow them up straight away. Some said I did drop the best balloon modeller in the world who was insperational but I stand by my decision to drop him which is why I've only bought him back in to get us out of a hole which by the way never existed.
Now I think that the expectations are high and I respect that, but to ask any balloon expert at this level to come up with something complicated such as a dog(or is it a horse, it's hard to say) again and again is just to much to ask. Of course the lads are upset but even though they have no puff I think you will have to agree that they did actualy bring some balloons with them. Now I know some say that I as a manager I should have changed tactics and got them to at least remove the balloons from the packet. But we kept rigidly to our game plan of doing nothing when other weaker teams would have lost faith and played with the system. I think you should at least respect us for that.

The problem with balloons is that theses days, the foreigners have learned to blow up more of them than we can manage.

We didn't even bring along any pins so that we could cheat by letting a few of theirs down. However, I'm sure that blowing up balloons is very tiring, judging by the number of blowers that fell over as soon as a balloon came towards them.

Mind you, there was a bit of a dog in goal.

What I cannot understand is why in an important balloon modelling tournemant you would dig out a veteran entertainer like Frank Carson to go in goal, especially with his trademark catch phrase "it's the way I spill 'em"

Breaking news:

Remember I mentioned my gig? At the brewery?

Well, it's all gone pear shaped! The gig was a nightmare, the staff were completely out of control... it ruined the whole thing...

The manager blamed it on having foreign staff, with a low quotion of English staff making up the 'hard-workers with spirit'.

I guess it's happening all around us... some people don't know their Arsenal from their elbows...

When you have balloon modellers being paid thousands of pounds per gig, it isn't very hard to understand why they can only produce very average dogs and swords. Their minds are elsewhere. They're thinking about their sporty car, their modelling contract (photo shoot modelling that is, not balloon modelling - obviously), their nice big house, the huge bank account, going out drinking with soap actors, and whether their pop star girl friend is "spreading it about" with some other C-list celebrity while they're off working the gig. The last thing that's on their mind is puffing up balloons.

However the lads from eastern Europe, well they're only paid in turnips and onions. This is their big chance. So they're not afraid to take the bull by the horms and produce balloon models that use (wait for it) more than one balloon! And hats! They'll give it 110% and make hats! And if the opposition look like they'll put up a bit of a fight, our chums from the east are not beyond breaking a balloon modeller's puffer-upper. And no English highly paid balloon modeller wants his puffer-upper breaking. What would his girlfriend say?

But the thing is that most of those eastern European balloon modellers do most of their balloon modelling here in England so you would think that some of their skills would rub off.

And a country like Croatia has a population of 5 million and can produce 11 committed hard working balloon modellers while in England with a population of 50 miliion we run out of modelling ideas beacause a couple of our star modellers have got broken finger nails.

I don't think that the problem here is balloon modelling per se, it could spread to other things, like football for instance. It seems to me that there is a lack of interest in balloon modelling and other pastimes from the top of government down to some school teachers and therefore there is no passion in this country to do anything well

The major balloon teams in this country have had accadomys for the young up and coming modellers for years now but somehow nothing fresh happens. My personal opinion is that the balloon association is becoming a stale old club for old and past it modellers on the gravy train. They are happy to take their money, make no big decisions and turn out the same old poo-dles year after year. They would not know what a parrot was if one was twisted sat in a loop style perch.
Still at least there not as useless as the FA.
The FA does exactly what it stands for.