talkmagic.co.uk

Oh, I'll do it again. I understand that looking after 1 year old twins must be difficult so I totally understand and respect our beautiful, intelligent, charming and rather sleep deprived, lady moderators. There is another description on this site of it but far briefer. You might as well get the whole caboodle. I wrote this 35 years ago or so and I lost my own manuscript but the esteemed Allen Tipton had it and sent it on to me. Here it is:
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THE LETTER

This is probably the finest bit of business I have come across for children’s entertainment. It is I think best used as an opening item although it can be used at any point in the programme.

Simply get an old letter and put it in your pocket or some accessible place. The letter is blank on one side, writing on the other and is in an unsealed envelope.

Start by removing the letter and say “That’s funny, there’s a letter here”

Place it absent mindedly under your right armpit and continue “I wonder why I’ve got a letter, has anybody here sent me a letter? Shall I see what it says?” Now look round with a puzzled gaze and say “That’s funny, what did I do with the letter?”

Naturally the kids will shout “it’s under your arm!” You lift up your LEFT arm and say, looking puzzled “Under my arm?” They will yell “Your other arm!” You reply still puzzled “Your other arm? Oh you mean YOUR other arm!” They will scream “No! YOUR arm!” You say “That’s what I said-YOUR arm!”

At this point the little angels will point out your error in one of the following ways:

1. They will call you names.
2. They will scream the place down.
3. They will trample you underfoot.

As a variation of number 3 they may also attempt to amputate your arm in a most unmedical manner.

The answer to the above bedlam is as follows:

1. Mercy killing
2. Barbed wire across the performing area.
3. Cream buns filled with arsenic.

If the above measures fail you have two alternatives:

A. Take up card tricks
B. Take a priest along with you to give you the last rites.

To get back to business, sometimes a bright juvenile will pipe up “My arm!” He, she or it (especially it) will preen smugly at the other brats as if to defy you to get out of THAT one. You then demonstrate your adult superiority by saying triumphantly “There. That’s what I said. Under your arm!”

After playing this up for an hour and a half or so you then say “Oh, under MY arm!” You then look under the lower part of your arm still keeping your upper arm to your side. “There’s nothing there!” you protest. If they say “higher up” you look heavenword and say “where?” They may shout “lift your arm up!” If they do you react by lifting your LEFT arm up or by just lifting the lower part of your right arm.

Eventually feel around the area where the letter is but making sure the missing object is not seen from the front. Sooner or later the herd will scream “It’s at the back!” You now turn your back to the audience, placing your left hand behind you feeling your back. You shout above the racket “on my back?”

I must warn you that this is a dangerous part of the routine. On the same principle that lion tamers never turn their backs on the animals you also stand a fifty-fifty chance of being eaten alive if you turn your back for too long.

Anyhow you obviate the possibility of an early cremation by swiftly turning to the front and hear the horde utter remarks to the effect that the letter is at the back of your arm. Turn round again and push the letter to the front of your arm saying, “There’s nothing at the back of my arm!” Turn front again and the letter will be plainly visible to everybody. Just look ahead not noticing it and listen to the clamour.

When you do this look straight ahead so that you do not see the letter fall. You now look under your arm and find nothing there. Eventually you say, “ Shall I lift my arm up?” You do so and let the letter fall to the floor. When you do this look straight ahead so that you don’t notice the letter fall. You now look under your arm and find nothing there. Through the uproar you will hear some little termite bellow, “It’s on the floor!” Naturally you mishear this and start a minute inspection of the nearest door. Eventually you are prevailed upon to look in a downward direction but somehow you look everywhere except the correct spot. You further complicate matters by somehow managing to stand with both feet together right on the poor downtrodden letter! As you can imagine you will be informed by the assembled volcano that you are “standing on it!” You retort by saying, “Of course I’m standing on the floor but where’s the letter gone?” They will scream, “You’re standing on the letter!” You now take a step or two forward and expostulate, “I’m standing on the letter?” Look down and continue, “I’m not standing on the letter” They will scream, “Behind you!” You look in the air behind you and fail to find the letter.

Finally you look on the floor and say. “Oh there it is!” You’ve found it at last! Look at the kids and say, “Why didn’t you tell me the letter was on the floor?” They will shout, “we did!” You retort, “Oh no you didn’t!” I need hardly tell you what happens now!

Actually I do. After all there may be North Americans reading this who will not realise that in the UK the kids will all reply in unison, “Oh yes we did!” This is purely a United Kingdom thing since it is a feature of traditional British pantomine where the kids have been trained to react in this manner.

Stroll over to the letter bending down to pick it up. As you do so you groan in an ailing voice, “Oooh, it’s a long way down!” As you straighten up say, “Oooh it’s a long way up!” You continue, “Shall I see what the letter says?” Open up the letter and read the blank side. You are now holding the letter writing side outwards in the left hand, your right hand holding the envelope.

Say, “That’s funny! There’s nothing on the letter!” The kids will yell, “On the other side!” You thereupon look in the direction of your ribs and make remarks that there are no letters to be found on your “other side”. You will now hear an agonized spluttering of infants thus: “The other side of the paper!” You react by looking at the SIDE of the paper or by searching desperately on both sides of the ENVELOPE. Of course after a while you eventually discover the writing. Now say, “That’s funny, it’s in Chinese! Oh sorry-it’s upside down!”

From this point on you can carry on how you want. I used to say, “Well it says here that before we do any magic I have to show you the fireworks book. I would then perform the then well-known children’s routine “Fireworks” by Wilfred Tyler.
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Nowadays I would use a similar but superior item known as "The Magic Menu" which is already described on this thread. But you can lead in to any trick you like by simply stating that the letter is telling you to do whatever the next trick is.

Anyway that’s it.

mark lewis wrote:I understand that looking after 1 year old twins must be difficult so I totally understand and respect our beautiful, intelligent, charming and rather sleep deprived, lady moderators.

I'm glad that you understand

I am glad to see that you have learned the art of self praise from me, my dear. Always glad to be of some guidance.

On the subject of your train routine, Mark, surely "sausage" must feature. Sausages are inherently amusing (irrespective of any rude connotations). It's just something about the word.

I wonder if kids still understand the concept of "meat & veg".

Are you from the UK or North America? Has the phrase "Meat and Veg" gone out of fashion in the UK? As for the word "sausage" I just can't remember if that was in the original routine or not. It may just be my imagination. I had better go and ask Edwin in the spirit world. I hope he is in a good mood. On the other hand there might be some long in the tooth magician here who knows the original sequence. I have to confess I haven't used the bloody thing for years.

PT is English, in England. Kids today are probably more familiar with chicken nuggets and fries than any real food. I suspect many young adults/parents don't know what veg is.
T.

Well who cares? Say it anyway. Magicians worry too much about this sort of thing. Besides it will please any grandparents who are watching the show.
Actually it has occured to me that if you say the word "Nuggets" twice very slowly it sounds vaguely train like.

I'm not worried about it, Mark. I was generally despairing about the UK's food.
T.

Ted wrote:I'm not worried about it, Mark. I was generally despairing about the UK's food.

As was I. Sorry if my comment was a bit oblique, Mark. It wasn't aimed at your routine.

Strangely, I almost put that kids now are more likely to know chicken nuggets and chips. Or perhaps not strange at all, merely sad.

At the risk of further diverting the thread, just watch the TV ads and see how much of the advertising features 'foodstuffs' which are eaten with the fingers - burgers, wraps, snacks in packets, cheesy chunks and so on. sadly many children at school are found to be incapable of using a knife and fork.

Over here it is even worse. Canadians have no idea how to use a knife and fork and I am talking about the adults. They are constantly using their fingers in a quite disgusting manner. They use their fingers to put peas and things on a fork in the same way we use a knife. They only use a knife for cutting and they don't understand that is not it's sole function. They are constantly handling lettuce and tomatoes with their fingers whereas we more civilized British use our utensils. It is quite revolting to watch. No doubt they have been influenced by their awful American neighbours next door. You would think they would learn how to use a knife and fork properly instead of all this silly transferring a fork constantly from their right hand to their left hand. They don't seem to know that you are supposed to KEEP the fork in the left hand and leave it there and KEEP the knife in the right hand without putting it down all the time to use their fingers. It really is quite a disgusting exhibition especially in the Queen's Jubilee year.

Methinks you are lucky I didn't use my TOES yesterday to manipulate the toppings of my burger, Mark.

I was thinking of you when I posted my remarks. Quite disgusting. You really must learn to use a knife and fork.

Thank you Mark for this weekends entertaining posts. The weekend has indeed brighter because of them. The Letter is indeed a classic and never fails to get them going. The Choo Choo thing sounds interesting but we need to work out the Sausage and Meat and Two veg thing first. Parents can get a bit upset at the mention of these in front of their Dear ones.

I think it is best to eliminate the sausage and say coffee instead. And say Meat and Veg anyway.