NOTICE OF REVOCATION OF INDEPENDENCE
To the citizens of the United States of America, In the light of your failure
to produce proper cars and elect a competent President of the USA and thus to
govern yourselves, we hereby give notice of the revocation of your
independence, effective today.
Her Sovereign Majesty Queen Elizabeth II will resume monarchical duties over
all states, commonwealths and other territories. Except Utah, which she does
not fancy. Your new prime minister (The Right Honourable Tony Blair, MP for the
97.85% of you who have until now been unaware that there is a world outside
your borders) will appoint a minister for America without the need for further
elections. Congress and the Senate will be disbanded. A questionnaire will be
circulated next year to determine whether any of you noticed. To aid in the
transition to a British Crown Dependency, the following rules are introduced
with immediate effect:
1. You should look up "revocation" in the Oxford English Dictionary. Then
look up "aluminium". Check the pronunciation guide. You will be amazed at just
how wrongly you have been pronouncing it. The letter 'U' will be reinstated in
words such as 'favour' and 'neighbour', skipping the letter 'U' is nothing more
than laziness on your part. Likewise, you will learn to spell 'doughnut'
without skipping half the letters. You will end your love affair with the letter
'Z' (pronounced 'zed' not 'zee') and the suffix "ize" will be replaced by the
suffix "ise". You will learn that the suffix 'burgh is pronounced 'burra' e.g.
Edinburgh. You are welcome to respell Pittsburgh as 'Pittsberg' if you can't
cope with correct pronunciation. Generally, you should raise your vocabulary to
acceptable levels. Look up "vocabulary". Using the same twenty seven words
interspersed with filler noises such as "like" and "you know" is an unacceptable
and inefficient form of communication. Look up "interspersed". There will be
no more 'bleeps' in the Jerry Springer show. If you're not old enough to cope
with bad language then you shouldn't have chat shows. When you learn to
develop your vocabulary then you won't have to use bad language as often.
2. There is no such thing as "US English". We will let Microsoft know on your
behalf. The Microsoft spell-checker will be adjusted to take account of the
reinstated letter 'u' and the elimination of "-ize".
3. You should learn to distinguish the English and Australian accents. It
really isn't that hard. English accents are not limited to ney, upper-class
twit or Mancunian (Daphne in Frasier). You will also have to learn how to
understand regional accents - Scottish dramas such as "Taggart" will no longer be
broadcast with subtitles. While we're talking about regions, you must learn
that there is no such place as Devonshire in England. The name of the county is
"Devon". If you persist in calling it Devonshire, all American States will
become "shires" e.g. Texasshire, Floridashire, Louisianashire.
4. Hollywood will be required occasionally to cast English actors as the good
guys. Hollywood will be required to cast English actors to play English
characters. British sit-coms such as "Men Behaving Badly" or "Red Dwarf" will not
be re-cast and watered down for a wishy-washy American audience who can't cope
with the humour of occasional political incorrectness.
5. You should relearn your original national anthem, "God Save The Queen",
but only after fully carrying out task 1. We would not want you to get confused
and give up half way through.
6. You should stop playing American "football". There is only one kind of
football. What you refer to as American "football" is not a very good game.
The 2.15% of you who are aware that there is a world outside your borders may
have noticed that no one else plays "American" football. You will no longer
be allowed to play it, and should instead play proper football. Initially, it
would be best if you played with the girls. It is a difficult game. Those of
you brave enough will, in time, be allowed to play rugby (which is similar to
American "football", but does not involve stopping for a rest every twenty
seconds or wearing full kevlar body armour like nancies). We are hoping to get
together at least a US rugby sevens side by 2008. You should stop playing
baseball. It is not reasonable to host an event called the 'World Series' for a game
which is not played outside of America. Since only 2.15% of you are aware that
there is a world beyond your borders, your error is understandable. Instead of
baseball, you will be allowed to play a girls' game called "rounders" which
is baseball without fancy team strip, oversized gloves, collector cards or
hotdogs.
7. You will no longer be allowed to own or carry guns. You will no longer be
allowed to own or carry anything more dangerous in public than a vegetable
peeler. Because we don't believe you are sensible enough to handle potentially
dangerous items, you will require a permit if you wish to carry a vegetable
peeler in public.
8. July 4th is no longer a public holiday. November 2nd will be a new
national holiday, but only in England. It will be called "Indecisive Day".
9. All American cars are hereby banned. They are and it is for your own
good. When we show you German cars, you will understand what we mean.
All road intersections will be replaced with roundabouts. You will start
driving on the left with immediate effect. At the same time, you will go metric
with immediate effect and without the benefit of conversion tables. Roundabouts
and metrication will help you understand the British sense of humour.
10. You will learn to make real chips. Those things you call French fries are
not real chips. Fries aren't even French, they are Belgian though 97.85% of
you (including the guy who discovered fries while in Europe) are not aware of a
country called Belgium. Those things you insist on calling potato chips are
properly called "crisps". Real chips are thick cut and fried in animal fat. The
traditional accompaniment to chips is beer which should be served warm and
flat. Waitresses will be trained to be more aggressive with customers.
11. As a sign of penance 5 grams of sea salt per cup will be added to all tea
made within the Commonwealth of Massachusetts, this quantity to be doubled
for tea made within the city of Boston itself.
12. The cold tasteless stuff you insist on calling beer is not actually beer
at all, it is lager. From November 1st only proper British Bitter will be
referred to as "beer", and European brews of known and accepted provenance will be
referred to as "Lager". The substances formerly known as "American Beer" will
henceforth be referred to as "Near-Frozen Knat's Urine", with the exception
of the product of the American Budweiser company whose product will be referred
to as "Weak Near-Frozen Knat's Urine". This will allow true Budweiser (as
manufactured for the last 1000 years in Pilsen, Czech Republic) to be sold
without risk of confusion.
13. From November 10th the UK will harmonise petrol (or "Gasoline" as you
will be permitted to keep calling it until April 1st 2007) prices with the
former USA. The UK will harmonise its prices to those of the former USA and
the Former USA will, in return, adopt UK petrol prices (roughly $7/US gallon -
get used to it).
14. You will learn to resolve personal issues without using guns, lawyers or
therapists. The fact that you need so many lawyers and therapists shows that
you're not adult enough to be independent. Guns should only be handled by
adults. If you're not adult enough to sort things out without suing someone or
speaking to a therapist then you're not grown up enough to handle a gun.
15. Please tell us who killed JFK. It's been driving us crazy. Tax
collectors from Her Majesty's Government will be with you shortly to ensure
the acquisition of all revenues due (backdated to 1776).
16. Re-education of all 97.85% of US citizens that a 'road trip' is not a holiday or a 'coming of age', just the equivalent
of a coach ride to Hull in British terms, henceforth issue passports to the 90% of Americans that actually don't have one, and enforce a map of the world in every room of an American's house. Be proper British by dominating the Spanish coast the whole year round in holiday time. Use of the word 'vacation' is banned.
17. To be genuinely British, you must learn that the girl next door is not hot, nor is any other girl you may meet at school/workplace/nightclub, due to the 'being British' syndrome that affects every female.
18. The words 'Vacation' (holiday), 'Elevator'(lift) and in fact any other American versions of perfectly good British words shall be outlawed completley.
Thank you for your co-operation
(all is to be taken as a joke my fellow friends
)
