LMAO!!! Great title Tomo!!
I'm a bit of an IT nerd by day (and a caped crime fighting magician by night

) and might be able to help a little;
The actual speed you get has a lot to do with various factors but if you read closely you'll usually find that you're paying for "Up to 8Mbps" speed.
Things like how far away from the main telecom hub you are or the quality of cabling (inside and outside your house) can have a big effect on the speeds you get.
The biggest thing that determines your actual speed has to do with "Contention Ratios" Typical ratios are 50:1 or 100:1. What this basically means is how many people are using the same network switch on your ISP in your local area, as the total bandwidth available is divided between that many of their customers. During peak times (6pm - 11pm) you can easily see your 8Mb connection drop to below 1Mbps. However 4am is a great time to achieve maximum speeds.
If your connection is always significantly slower that you are paying for the best thing to do is record the speed results over 2 or 3 days at different times of the day (morning, afternoon, evening and night), document your findings and approach your ISP about this, a call to their support line is probably the best approach.
Try not to be too confrontational with them but put your point across in a calm and reasonable way and they will do what they can to help.
You'll probably find that someone in your area is a download fiend and is abusing BitTorrent or something, and your ISP will have ways of dealing with them.
I hope this helps!