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I was "live on stage" tonight as part of a music hall evening at a local theatre. I think that there may have been a hex placed on tonight's event because quite frankly whatever could go wrong, did go wrong.

Most of the acts were singers, some serious some comical. All but one act (and there were around a dozen) forgot their lines halfway through their songs. Some stuttered their way through, others just dried up completely and had to start again.

At a certain point in proceedings a moon was supposed to gracefully descend from the heavens. Unfortunately the moon ( 6 foot round piece of wood) fell from the rigging, narrowly missing the head of a lady singer dressed in her Victorian finery. The stage hands then proceeded to do an impromptu impersination of Laurel & Hardy while attempted to get the moon back up into the heavens. They failed, and so the moon was left propped up against the piano.

Everyone laughed when the tap dancing troupe came on. They weren't supposed to be funny. They were however ladies in their 60's, 70's and 80's and the dresses they were wearing were far far too small. One of the dancers put her back out shortly before going on stage and had to be fed paracetamol and brandy to get her through.

And so to my mind reading act. Sigh. I asked for 6 volunteers to join me on stage. One of the volunteers was a man built like a brick out-house and as drunk as a lord. I didn't realise this of course until he was with me on stage. He thought he was the star of the show, refused to follow instructions and was a real pain in the back side. The climax of my act after the mind-reading was an escape from handcuffs. I ended up handcuffed to this bloke who refused to let me release him. I was sat on a seat on stage with him sat on my lap. He was very heavy and it was a very rickety old chair. I feared for my safety I really did. Eventually after much cajoling I managed to stagger to the end of my act and get off stage, which was the main thing.

Later in the bar a member of the audience asked me if the drunken bloke was a stooge put in for comedic effect. No. No he wasn't.

And then to top it all one of the singers, a gent in his 60's, fell over outside the theatre and probably broke several ribs. I called an ambulance on my mobile and had to wait out in the rain to wave the ambulance down. By the time the ambulance arrived other members of the "ensemble" had taken him inside and sat him down on stage, almost as an ironic encore for what was best described as "one of those nights".

Such is showbiz. Oh well. Got to laugh. It's my birthday tomorrow.

Priceless stuff Paul, good enough to form the basis of a 'Carry On' script! Of course, being a good mentalist, you knew all this would come to pass......

Mandrake wrote:Priceless stuff Paul, good enough to form the basis of a 'Carry On' script! Of course, being a good mentalist, you knew all this would come to pass......

Absolutely. It was one of those nights that you know will find its way into your memoirs. It has already attained legendary status in the Bell household.

Must be the night for it tonight mate, my one-man show flopped tonight, not particularly happy - going to be up all night going through my scripts!!!!!

I was asked to do a bit of table hopping at a do, but when i got there the dj totaly ignored me so I left.

Happy Birthday for Sunday Mr Wand
VoodooWishes for a fab year to come for you!

Gosh, that sounds awful, what a total screwup, eh! Must have been highly amusing.

Happy birth day!

Have a great birthday!

You get gigs like that sometimes and it's usually down to bad organisation.
My cabaret act were due to appear at a West End club last October and when we arrived the set-up was awful. The mikes were feeding back and the DJ's just wanted to carry on playing their music. There seemed to be a battle between two promoters one who wanted live entertainment, the others who just wanted it as a disco.
We complained about the poor set up and they apologised, paid us in full and we went home! Easiest nights money I have ever earnt!

It's good when even the simplest things go right though. Recently we did a show with our four person comedy/cabaret troupe and I performed magic between the songs. Scorpion and Airborne both went down well, as they always do, but I added a frivolous throwaway routine into the set which, depsite being as easy as Russell Brand, went down amazingly well.

I selected a man and a woman from the audience and handed the lady a pack of pink Bikes and then using a pack of blue bikes (clever with the colours, eh?) forced a card on the gent. The lady then opened the pack she was holding to find the same card had been reversed. I then revealed a tattoo of the same card on my arm.
Simple, but dressed up with presentation and banter with the partcipants, really entertained a lay crowd.

We all get shows like that. Happy birthday Wand

happy birthday mr wand, missed that bit at the bottom of your post.

happy birthday ding-dong...thats my new name for you i've decided...highly original obviously...

sometimes i wish i owned electric shock...he would of moved then...

themagicwand wrote:Oh well. Got to laugh. It's my birthday tomorrow.

Same as mine - happy birthday .... now I've just gotta go and alter my age in my profile .

happy birthday to both of you!
Well done themagicwand for sorting out the ambulance for the poor chap after the performance too

what doesn't kill you makes you stronger as 'they' say...
I'd be lying if I said I didn't smirk at the initial story though - what a nightmare!

Great story! This too shall pass...

Happy birthday and commiserations on your nightmare. Still, it looks as if you came off lightly!

Dr. T has reminded me of a useful quote:

"Good times pass away, but then so do the bad. Mutability is our tragedy, but it is also our hope. The worst of times, like the best, are always passing away" - Boethius

The next gig will be a complete blinder