I'd be a stereotypical old fashioned British Railways Buffet Car 'Ploughman's Lunch' in a small cottage loaf.
Large and overinflated due to expansion of internal gases, possibly with an incorrectible leaning to one side or the other. Crusty on the outside, even crustier on the inside, overpriced and way past my sell by date, with contents visibly wilting, certainly cheesy but not in an appealing way. Despite any vague suggestion of nourishing content, there'd be far less than expected. I'd have travelled around quite a bit, but always kept isolated in a plastic wrapper and I'd have seen nothing of the places I'd been taken to. I may possibly have been considered to be of interest from time to time, perhaps even lifted off the plate for further inspection, but always rejected in favour of something else more 'trendy' involving soya or tofu or a promise to lower the diner's cholesterol to something below danger level. Celebrity Chefs who make a living by adding their names and endorsements to mass produced folk fodder will recognise me as being the basis of their ideas but will have changed all the ingredients, such as they are, to include ridiculously expensive items which can only be sourced at great cost from places far away. As if all that weren't enough, I'd suffer the humiliation of having my ingredients and additives listed in order of volume on a label for all to see. There would be pastel coloured charts showing my energy potential, my fat content, my sodium rating and advice to everyone that although nuts aren't intentionally included, traces may very well be present. Vegetarians and those with Lactose/Gluten intolerance would be advised as to my suitability - or otherwise. For one very brief moment I will have been considered for a label bearing the word, 'Organic' but the thought swiftly dismissed as utterly ridiculous. I'll spend my entire life travelling but never reaching a destination until the fateful day the waste collectors take me and my few remaining colleagues for eventual consumption by incinerator......
