talkmagic.co.uk

Okay so I got one of those emails telling me that I've won my share of trillions of pounds, or whatever .... yea, ok .... well, actually I'm bored so I'm gonna have this guy on.
Here's the details so far:

Email received from Barrister Nelson Richard: too long to put here, but basically telling me that if I help him with a transaction - I'd get 35% of 5 million euros.

Okay, my reply:
Many thanks for your email - unfortunately I have been diagnosed with "Bleeding Of Lacerated Lymphs Over Crystalised Kidney Stones" - a very rare and debilitating disease, so I don't think that I'll be in a position to help you. Doctors have given a very pesimistic prognosis.
However, I notice that you are a solicitor and I believe that I could use your services as I have not yet written a will - a tad silly for a person in my position, with my wealth and numerous businesses.
If you think that you may be able to help me make sure that my estate (worth approx 2.5 million pounds sterling) is passed on to my friends and family; I will, of course, re-imburse you accordingly.
I look forward to your speedy reply.
Yours,
Richard Cranium.


His reply:
Let us venture with my transaction then as soon as we conclude we shall commence on your will. do furnish me with your details to enable me proceed.


My reply:
I really need to proceed with my will 1st or I think that it may be too late.
If you help me with my will - if I'm still around, I'll do my best to help you with your transaction

My debilitating "Bleeding Of Lacerated Lymphs Over Crystalised Kidney Stones" is somewhat uncomfortable sometimes.
I hope you can understand my predicament.

Yours,
Richard Cranium.

His reply (I can assure you it starts getting funny soon):
I cannot put hands in my mount at the same time, i have to conclude my transaction with is my priority at the moment.

Shall proceed?.

My reply:
What shall I do to proceed?
My "Bleeding Of Lacerated Lymphs Over Crystalised Kidney Stones" (B*LL*CKS) is itching alot at the moment - I don't suppose you have a cure for itchy B*LL*CKS ??
Let me know what to do to proceed.

(the above message and the ones that follow, were sent without the asterixes - I'm putting them in here for the young readers, etc)

His reply:
Attn: Richard Cranium,

Thanks for your email,

However, In other for us to proceed and secure our desire, I shall require your details as follows.

1 Full Name
2 Contact Address,
3 Tel & Fax No.
Occupation

I shall use this information to affidavits documents from the court to enable me present you to the Bank as the beneficiary to the seller of the properties in U.A.E.

Do not hesitate in contacting me with any issues.

Looking forward to hearing from you.

Regards,
Barrister Nelson Richard

My Reply:
Hi and here are the details that you requested:

1. Full name: Richard Bartface Cranium.
2. Contact address: "fictitious address".
3. Tel & Fax No: "fictitious phone number"
4. Occupation: Trader Of Steam Ships Exporting Rigs (TOSSER)

Please hurry as my "Bleeding Of Lacerated Lymphs Over Crystalised Kidney Stones" (B*LL*CKS) is really itching badly now.
I need to go to therapy and in order to help ease my itchy B*LL*CKS I need to have a "Water And Nettles Knife" (W*NK).
If I do not reply to your next email straight away - it will probably be because I've gone for a W*NK to relieve my itchy B*LL*CKS,
so please bear with me.

Yours,
Richard Cranium.

His reply
Attn: Richard Bartface Cranium,

Many thanks for your co-operation, Please include your nationality and country of residence so that i shall state it into the documents which i will use to swear affidavits in your behalf.

Looking Forward hearing from you,

Regards,
Barrister Nelson Richard.

My reply:
Hi.
Country of residence: England
Nationality: British.

Thanks,
Richard Cranium

His reply:
Attn: Richard Bartface Cranium,

The attached documents which I shall take to the court to swear affidavits in your favour and also secure police approval stamp to enable me present you to the Bank as the beneficiary to the seller of the properties secured by my late client Mr. Usman Ali Mmadu.

More update to come as soon as I get back from court.

Regards,
Barrister Nelson Richard.

Followed by:
Attn: Richard Bartface Cranium,

Take note that i was able to secure the needed approvals from both the police and Ghana court of law. The below is the formal letter of claim kindly copy it and send it to the Bank for the release of the fund into your Bank account. It also important you let me know if you can come down here to Ghana to join force with me to secure the transaction from the Bank.

Looking forward to hearing from you,

Regards,
Barrister Nelson Richard.

My reply:
Hi.
I'm not exactly sure what I need to do next.
What document am I filling in and where do I send it ??
I've contacted my bank about transfers etc and they said that I need to approve the transfer from my end by getting the sender (that's you) to agree to be my "Freelance Unilateral Central Knight - For All Chief Expenditures" (F*CK-F*CE). I need you to agree to be my F*CK-F*CE so that I can authorise the transaction from my side.

If you agree could you fill in the following when you reply:

I, Barrister Nelson Richard, agree to be Richard Bartface Cranium's F*CK-F*CE, until transactions are carried out to a satisfactory conclusion, or until his itchy B*LL*CKS has got the better of him, unless the W*NK eases it enough to help ease the situation.

Mark an "X" at the end of this line if you agree .............

Yours,
Richard Bartface Cranium


That last email was sent about an hour ago - I'm awaiting his reply lol.

Genius!!

I interviewed some 419 scammer-scammers a couple of years back. They this type of scum occupied and away from vulnerable people. For god's sake, don't give out any details that could be used to trace you. Legs DO break.

Tomo wrote: For god's sake, don't give out any details that could be used to trace you.

Don't worry about that - the nearest truth I've told him is that I'm called Richard Bartface Cranium .... *ahem*

More lol:

His reply:
I never gave you and documents to sign all i gave you is the documents related to the transaction i had with my late client. I take your comments to be insult and you have to withdraw from them. I guess you are not serious with me.

My reply:
I thought that you said in your last email that there were documents for me to sign, etc.
I am serious about completing this transaction as I would like my share of the money.
It's obvious I'm serious, as I've even spent the time to contact my bank and they told me to make you my "Freelance Unilateral Central Knight - For All Chief Expenditures" (F*CK-FACE).
What should I do now to proceed?

Richard Bartface Cranium.

Well I thought the game was up - but he's replied lol:

His reply:
Contact the Bank with the letter below. I will not tolerate the word FACE-FACE from any longer i am a Lawyer mind you.

*****************************************************************


THE HEAD OF DEPARTMENT.
INTERNATIONAL REMITTANCE DEPARTMENT,
Mrs.Juliet Menssah
General Manager
African Development Bank Accra Ghana.
Address: Heritage Tower,7 Floor Accra Ghana
Direct line: +233-275229886
Tele-fax: +233-21712843
Email:info@african-developmentbank-gh.org

MA,

APPLICATION FOR PAYMENT OF 5 MILLION EUROS TO ME AS BENEFICIARY OF THE PROPERTIES IN U.A.E WHICH YOUR LATE CUSTOMER MR USMAN ALI MMADU HAS PROVIDED ME WITH ALL THE DOCUMENTS MEANT FOR THE TRANSFER OF FUND INTO MY BANK ACCOUNT FOR THE SAID INVESTMENT (PROJECT).

I THEREFORE MAKE THIS REQUEST AS THE BENEFICIARY OF THE FUND.

I HAVE ADEQUATE KNOWLEDGE OF THE DETAILS OF MY PARTNER'S FUND WITH YOUR BANK ( AFRICAN DEVELOPMENT BANK ACCRA GHANA) AND I AM WILLING TO PRESENT THEM EITHER DIRECTLY OR THROUGH HIS ATTORNEY IF REQUIRED TO DO SO BY YOUR BANK.

THANKS FOR YOUR ANTICIPATED COOPERATION.

YOURE NAME
CONTACT ADDRESS
EMAIL ADDRESS
TELEPHONE NUMBERS
FAX
BANK NAME
Bank Address
ACCOUNT NUMBER
BANK TELEPHONE
Phone
Fax

ID ATTACHMENT.

THANKS FOR YOUR ANTICIPATED CO-OPERATION.

BEST REGARDS,



I nearly wet myself laughing when I read his opening comment:

I will not tolerate the word FACE-FACE from any longer i am a Lawyer mind you.

.... so it's okay to call him F*CK-FACE; but not FACE-FACE ............. and - mind you - he's a lawyer !!!!

Okay I need to think about my reply now. I don't wanna give the game away, but I want something to keep me laughing .
Any ideas peeps ?????

Suggest you need some funds, only £75 or so, to pay up-front fees at your bank and see how well that's received........

Mandrake wrote:Suggest you need some funds, only £75 or so, to pay up-front fees at your bank and see how well that's received........

I like that - a different angle to keep dragging things out .... I'm gonna sleep on it and reply to his email tomorrow - watch this space hehe

Does he have the necessary Special High Intensity Training (SH*T) to complete such a transaction? It looks like he's full of SH*T already but you may want to make sure.

Put him in touch with this guy who e-mailed me this afternoon:

CENTRAL BANK OF NIGERIAOFFICE OF THE DIRECTORTELEX / COMPUTER DEPARTMENTTINUBU SQUARELAGOS - NIGERIA CABLE: CENBANK NGCONTACT NUMBER: 234-8139736319 (24 HOURS)PRIVATE EMAIL: dauglas3@aol.comURGENTDEAR SIR,MY NAME IS MR. PAUL DOUGLAS OF THE TELEX / COMPUTER DEPARTMENT OF THE CENTRAL BANK OF NIGERIA. I AM SENDING THIS PRIVATE E-MAIL BASED ON THE CONFIDENTIAL NATURE OF THE TRANSACTION. PLEASE I WILL LIKE TO ADVISE THAT IF AFTER GOING THROUGH MY PROPOSAL AND YOU DO NOT ACCEPT IT, KINDLY KEEP IT TO YOURSELF. I AM STILL IN SERVICE WITH THE CENTRAL BANK OF NIGERIA (CBN) AND I WOULD NOT LIKE TO LOSE MY JOB. AS I FOUND OUT THAT YOU ALMOST MET ALL THE STATUTORY REQUIREMENTS OF THE CBN IN RESPECT OF YOUR CONTRACT PAYMENT. YOUR PROBLEM IS THAT OF INTEREST GROUPS. A LOT OF PEOPLE ARE INTERESTED IN YOUR PAYMENT AND THOSE PEOPLE ARE MERELY DOING PAPER WORK WITH YOU AND THAT EXPLAINS WHY YOU RECEIVE EMAIL AND PHONE MESSAGES FROM DIFFERENT PEOPLE IN NIGERIA EVERYDAY. THEIR WHOLE GAME PLAN IS TO FRUSTRATE YOU INORDER FOR YOU TO ABANDON THE CONTRACT PAYMENT AND THEN THEY WILL BE COMFORTABLE AND FREE ENOUGH TO TRANSFER THE CONTRACT FUNDS INTO THEIR OVERSEAS ACCOUNT. HENCE, YOU HAVE LOST TRUST ON WHOM TO BELIEVE TO BE GENUINE. TO SUM IT UP, I WISH TO ASSURE YOU THAT WITH MY POSITION HERE IN THE TELEX DEPARTMENT I CAN PUNCH THE COMPUTER AND CREDIT YOUR ACCOUNT STRAIGHT WITHIN FIVE (5) WORKING DAYS. FIRST OF ALL, YOU HAVE TO LET ME KNOW HOW MUCH YOU WILL GIVE ME AT THE CONSUMMATION OF THIS DEAL.FINALLY, YOU WILL HAVE TO ACCEPT TO KEEP THIS TRANSACTION STRICTLY CONFIDENTIAL, IF YOU ACCEPT MY PROPOSAL, KINDLY GET BACK TO ME IMMEDIATELY ON MY ABOVE PRIVATE MAIL, dauglas3@aol.com OR PRIVATENUMBER: 234-8139736319EVEN IF YOU DO NOT ACCEPT MY OFFER, I WILL SINCERELY ADVISE YOU TO FIND TIME YOURSELF TO COME AND REGULARIZE YOUR DEFECTIVE DOCUMENTS INSTEAD OF FRUITLESS EXCHANGE OF FAX MESSAGES WITH OFFICES HERE.WHEN REPLYING THIS EMAIL, PLEASE RE-CONFIRM YOUR PRIVATE TELEPHONENUMBERS, AND EMAIL ADDRESS. REGARDS.MR. PAUL DOUGLAS

'scuse me, I really must go and regularize my defective documents....

Crikey - another one!!!

INTERNATIONAL POLICE,UNITED STATES SECTION ( INTERPOL )Region No. 2 New York CityP.O. Box 804 Knickerbockers StationNew York City, New -York 10002-0804 U.S.A. Sir/Madam, The office of the international Police (INTERPOL) hereby write to inform you that we caught a diplomatic lady called Mrs. Dorothy Wallace at (John F. Kennedy International Airport) here in New -York with parcel box filed with united state dollars. Meanwhile, base on our interview to the diplomat (Mrs. Dorothy Wallace) she said that the parcel box belongs to you, that she was sent by Alh. Ahmadu Giade of the National Drug Law Enforcement Agency Nigeria to deliver the parcel box to your doorstep, not knowing that the content of the parcel box is money. The diplomat also said that her first transit in the states was at Cincinnati Northern, Kentucky International Airport Ohio. Now, the diplomat is under detention in the office of (I.P.A) security, and we cannot release her until we carry out our proper investigation on how this huge amount of money managed to be yours before we will release her with the box. So, in this regard, you are to re-assure and prove to us that the money you are about to receive is legal by sending us the Award Ownership Certificate showing that the money is not illegal. Note that the Award Ownership Certificate must to be secured from the office of the Senate president in Nigeria, because that is the only office that will issue you the original Award Ownership Certificate of these funds. You are advised to forward immediately the Award Ownership Certificate if you have it with you, but if you do not have it, we will urge you as a matter of urgency to contact back the sender of the diplomat to help you secure the Award Ownership Certificate if at all you did not have it. Below is the contact information of the agency where the money was sent from. Name: Mr.Ahmadu Giade Email:ahmadugaidendlea@rediffmail.comDirect telephone no: 011234-70433-18412. Furthermore, we are giving you only but 5 working business days to forward the requested Award Ownership Certificate. Please note that we shall get back to you after the 5 working business days, if you didn’t come up with the certificate we shall confiscate the funds into World Bank account then charge you for money laundry, but if you forward the Award Ownership Certificate then we will release the diplomat with your parcel box and also gives you every back up till the money arrives your doorstep. Also note that we are doing this to make sure that any huge amount of money like yours that enters United States is genieu, we regret any inconveniences this might have caused you. Thanks for your understanding, We are working for your interest. Yours Truly, I.P.A REGION NO: 2 THANKS.DR.DOUGLAS H. KING IPA.Committee of Police Societies, NYPD. CC: Alhaji Ahmadu GiadeCC: FBI

If this is your cup of tea, you might want to have a browse around http://www.thescambaiter.com/

There are some seriously funny treatments of the scammers (not to mention some very bizarre ones too!) - BE WARNED, though - this site contains adult content and is not safe for work

There's a brilliant book about scambaiting too called Greetings in Jesus name! http://www.amazon.co.uk/Greetings-Jesus-Name-Scambaiter-Letters/dp/1905128088/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&s=books&qid=1284106571&sr=8-1

The stuff that he manages to make the scammers do is unbelievable including convincing one to get a tattoo and in another case actually getting the scammer to send him money!

I think the content of that book is available for free online.

http://www.419eater.com/html/booked.htm

This is absolutely hilarious. If anyone is interested in a free audio-book copy of Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy, you should check it out....