Hi,
OK - I like the colour scheme and graphics, however, they are not the same as the card
These things DO matter, (unless you plan to have pictures of turtles or pine trees on your headed paper - which of course you will need for follow-up quotes or Performance Agreements...).
From now on - two words explain everything, the rest is detail, and I am NOT going to talk about the website design, that's irrelevant. You could spend a lifetime getting it right. I am going to talk about the small detail of what the smeg is IN the website - the content.
Oh dear...
I think the "
About Danny" section is almost completely superfluous. You are filling space with egocentric waffle. What the h**l are you
actually trying to say?
How about "
As a young but experienced magician, I will perform entertaining close-up magic to any audience", (or similar...), instead of the current confused waffle, which sounds terribly like a pretentious mobile phone advert.
By being an "
aspiring magician" you would, (as a potential booker), make me look elsewhere. Either you are or you are not a magician.
"Welcome to Danny Joseph magic - pay me money to come and see me almost be a magician..." No. I thought not.
As already said - stop using US spellings.
What the heck DO you do - in terms of "
...never seen before close-up magic"? I want coins, I want cards - what do you YOU do? You say stunts - whats a stunt? Do you do magic with aardvarks? THAT would be REALLY new.
What do you offer?
What is your product?
What is "
gasping in unbelieve" meant to mean? I assume you mean "disbelief"?
Far too many typos, and the grammar is "cludgy", very heavy use of words, you are trying to be too clever, but not clear. "
Multiple years of experience" - are you trying to say the word "Many"?
Why "Contact
Us" - are there more than one of you?
I (still) hate the emphasis on you being an "entertainer", which interestingly you have not mentioned in the text that I can see. Perhaps I missed it.
Be
very careful what you say about people's weddings. I would avoid saying anything that comments on emotions. Concentrate on facts "
and to allow everyone to feel truly comfortable on your wedding day. " - so....are you saying that without a magician people will NOT be comfortable. A minefield. Be careful.
You are trying to be far too cerebral here. There's very little you can say that is new, but you are trying to. Go back to those business books, (the ones I recommended you purchase on the "business card" thread), and look at the "How to Create a Website" chapters. You are missing the point - it has little to do with the website, it is ALL about what you put in it. By having a website that has copy like this you are throwing away potential business. People will go with someone who is simpler, and who they understand.
You need to learn how to write copy, or hire someone to do it for you, because, (I am sorry to say), this fails on many levels. A website, (like a business card), is a "shop-front", a clear advert of what you do, what experiences you create, and your experience. If you do not have much experience, then just keep it simple.
Who are you, what do you do, in what areas, and how do they contact you.
Danny....you seem to be trying to market yourself as some sort of new wonder magician. You are not. By all means have aspirations, but you have to start with the product that you actually sell. At the moment you are selling confusion, uncertainty and doubt.
Just my 2p worth.
Bruce
