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Anyone know any good (or bad for that matter ) jokes?

I love using jokes in my magic tricks and I want people to remember me as havign great tricks and style... rubbish jokes.


One of my favourites at the moment is

"A man turns up to work late on St George's day. Asked why he replies 'I fancied having a traditional English lion'"

What's brown and sticky?

A stick.

And if this trick works they'll have to put sunblock in me pile cream. Now then...

What do you call a man with a shovel on his head?

-Doug

What do you call a deaf dog?

-Whatever you like, he's not gonna answer ya.

What do you call a man with a pack of cards on his head?

-Dec


Terrible, terrible jokes! I tend to say them and when nobody laughs, i turn away in shame, and get a move in there when everybody is feeling guilty for not laughing at my jokes.

Normally people just titter, or roll their eyes or look slightly skywards...

Giving me ample time to slip a pass right under their noses...


And afterwards they remember me for two reasons

Wanna hear a joke? You're smart.


I made that up myself. Who knows... maybe someone else thought of it before. BUT I LOVE IT! Over 90% of the people I say it to don't understand it, hence my point!

That's like a REALLY condensed version of the old "How do you keep an idiot in suspense?" joke

I like it


(In case you're wondering, I'll tell you the answer to my joke tomorrow )

LOL

Love that one. I was fooled the first time by it too.

Hm... Maybe it's possible to fit a whole routine within a joke that is like a story. I love those. I have quite a few. But can't think of any possible routines for them yet.

I have a joke about camels legs thats a story.

It's really really long though.
And on first hearing it's got to be the worst joke ever.

But when you hear it a second tme, and each subsequent time... you'll love it

It's far too long to post on here, so if anyone actually wants to hear it, then drop me a PM and I'll send it to you

Can't hardly wait for tomorrow!!!!

Here's a great visual joke that gets them laughing.

Ask the spectators "Do you mind if I pull a funny face ?"
Whatever the reply gently (don't want anyone being done for assault!) tug on the cheek of the nearest bystander.

I love it

*goes straight into jokes repetoire*