talkmagic.co.uk

1.Better save that, we'll need it for the autopsy
2.Accept this sacrifice, Oh Lord of Darkness
3.Hand me that, uh, thingie
4.You know, kidneys are worth a lot of money, and this guys got 2 of them
5.What do you mean he wasn't coming in for a sex change
6.I wish I hadn't forgotten my glasses
7.So what if I've *hiccup* had a few drinksch!!
8.If this is his spleen, then what the hell is that other thing?
9.Oh s***, page 39 of the manual is missing
10.Has anyone seen my watch?
11.Let's hurry, Britain's Got Talent is on tonight
12.I hope this guy was insured
13. Do you reckon that will hold it?
14. What was this guys blood type again?...Oh b*ll*cks!

Actual writings in a Hospital Register

1. The patient refused autopsy.
2. The patient has no previous history of suicides.
3. Patient has left white blood cells at another hospital.
4. Patient's medical history has been remarkably insignificant with only a 40 pound weight gain in the past three days.
5. She has no rigors or shaking chills, but her husband states she was very hot in bed last night.
6. Patient has chest pain if she lies on her left side for over a year.
7. On the second day the knee was better, and on the third day it disappeared.
8. The patient is tearful and crying constantly. She also appears to be depressed.
9. The patient has been depressed since she began seeing me in 1993.
10. Discharge status: Alive but without my permission.
11. Healthy appearing decrepit 69-year old male, mentally alert but forgetful.
12. Patient had waffles for breakfast and anorexia for lunch.
13. She is numb from her toes down.
14. While in ER, she was examined, x-rated and sent home.
15. The skin was moist and dry.
16. Occasional, constant infrequent headaches.
17. Patient was alert and unresponsive.
18. Rectal examination revealed a normal size thyroid.
19. She stated that she had been constipated for most of her life, until she got a divorce.
20. I saw your patient today, who is still under our car for physical therapy.
21. Both breasts are equal and reactive to light and accommodation.
22. Examination of genitalia reveals that he is circus sized.
23. The lab test indicated abnormal lover function.
24. Skin: somewhat pale but present.
25. The pelvic exam will be done later on the floor.
26. Large brown stool ambulating in the hall.
27. Patient has two teenage children, but no other abnormalities

kolm wrote:What do you get if you pour boiling water down a rabbit hole?

Here is the Washington Post's Mensa Invitational which once again asked readers to take any word from the dictionary, alter it by adding, subtracting, or changing one letter, and supply a new definition.

Here are the winners:

1. Cashtration: The act of buying a house which renders the subject financially impotent for an indefinite period of time.

2. Ignoranus: A person who's both stupid and an asshole.

3. Intaxication: Euphoria at getting a tax refund which lasts until you realise it was your money to start with.

4. Reintarnation: Coming back to life as a hillbilly.

5. Bozone: The substance surrounding stupid people (bozone layer) that stops bright ideas from penetrating.

6. Foreploy: Any misrepresentation about yourself for the purpose of getting laid.

7. Giraffiti: Vandalism spray-painted very, very high.

8. Sarchasm: The gulf between the author of sarcastic wit and the person who doesn't get it.

9. Inoculatte: To take coffee intravenously when you are running late.

10. Osteopornosis: A degenerate disease. (This one got extra credit.)

11. Karmageddon: It's like when everybody is sending off all these really bad vibes, right? And then, like, the Earth explodes and it's like a serious bummer.

12. Decafalon: The gruelling event of getting through the day consuming only things that are good for you.

13. Glibido: All talk and no action.

14. Dopeler Effect: The tendency of stupid ideas to seem smarter when they come at you rapidly..

15. Arachnoleptic Fit: The frantic dance performed just after you've accidentally walked through a spider web.

16. Beelzebug: Satan in the form of a mosquito that gets into your bedroom at three in the morning and cannot be cast out.

17. Caterpallor: The colour you turn after finding half a worm in the fruit you're eating.


The Washington Post has also published the winning submissions to its yearly contest, in which readers are asked to supply alternate meanings for common words.

And the winners are:

1. Coffee: The person upon whom one coughs.

2. Flabbergasted: Appalled by discovering how much weight one has gained.

3. Willy-nilly: Impotent.

4. Negligent: Absentmindedly answering the door when wearing only a nightgown.

5. Lymph: To walk with a lisp.

6. Gargoyle:. Olive-flavoured mouthwash.

7. Balderdash: A rapidly receding hairline.

8. Frisbeetarianism: The belief that, after death, the soul flies up onto the roof and gets stuck there.

9. Circumvent: An opening in the front of boxer shorts worn by Jewish men.

Liquor manufacturers have accepted the Government's Suggestion that the following warning labels be placed immediately on all Varieties of alcohol containers:
~~~~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~
WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may leave you wondering what the
hell Happened to your bra and panties.
~~~~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~
WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may make you think you are
whispering When you are not.
~~~~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~
WARNING: The consumption of alcohol is a major factor in dancing like a
Retard.
~~~~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~
WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may cause you to tell your friends
over And over again that you love them.
~~~~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~
WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may cause you to think you can sing.
~~~~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~
WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may lead you to believe that
ex-lovers Are really dying for you to telephone them at four in the morning.
~~~~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~
WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may make you think you can logically
Converse with members of the opposite sex without spitting.
~~~~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~ ~~~
WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may create the illusion that you are
Tougher, smarter, faster and better looking than most people.
~~~~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~
WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may lead you to think people are
Laughing WITH you.
~~~~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~
WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may cause pregnancy.
~~~~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~
WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may be a major factor in getting
your Ass kicked.
~~~~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~
WARNING: the crumsumpten of alcohol may maek you tink you kan tpye reel Gooooode.