talkmagic.co.uk

by **Mandrake** » Oct 13th, '08, 10:42

Two retired magicians stood on the seafront watching the girls playing beach volleyball in their bikinis, one magish turned to the other and said "what do you think about all this exercise then?"

Back came the reply, "I think it's pretty good, I walk three miles every day to see this"

by **Mandrake** » Oct 23rd, '08, 12:06

Some old, some new but they made me laugh!

I met this bloke with a didgeridoo and he was playing Dancing Queen on it. I thought, 'That's Aboriginal.'
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This lorry full of tortoises collided with a van full of terrapins. It was a turtle disaster.
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I told my girlfriend I had a job in a bowling alley. She said 'Tenpin?' I said, 'No, permanent.'
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I went in to a pet shop. I said, 'Can I buy a goldfish?' The guy said, 'Do you want an aquarium?' I said, 'I don't care what star sign it is.'
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I bought some Armageddon cheese today, and it said on the packet. 'Best before End'
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I went to buy a watch, and the man in the shop said 'Analogue.' I said 'No, just a watch.'
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I went into a shop and I said, 'Can someone sell me a kettle.' The bloke said 'Kenwood' I said, 'Where is he then?'
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My mate is in love with two schoolbags. He's bi-satchel.
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I went to the doctor. I said to him 'I'm frightened of lapels.' He said, 'You've got cholera.'
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I met the bloke who invented crosswords today. I can't remember his name, its P something T something R.
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I was reading this book today, The History of Glue. I couldn't put it down.
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I phoned the local ramblers club today, but the bloke who answered just went on and on.
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The recruitment consultant asked me 'What do you think of voluntary work? I said 'I wouldn't do it if you paid me.'
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I was in the jungle and there was this monkey with a tin opener. I said, 'You don't need a tin opener to peel a banana.' He said, 'No, this is for the custard.'
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This policeman came up to me with a pencil and a piece of very thin paper. He said, 'I want you to trace someone for me.'
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I told my mum that I'd opened a theatre. She said, 'Are you having me on?' I said, 'Well I'll give you an audition, but I'm not promising you anything.'
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I phoned the local builders today, I said to them 'Can I have a skip outside my house?' He said, 'I'm not stopping you!'
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This cowboy walks in to a German car showroom and he says 'Audi!'
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I fancied a game of darts with my mate. He said, 'Nearest the bull goes first' He went 'Baah' and I went 'Moo' He said 'You're closest'
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I was driving up the motorway and my boss phoned me and he told me I'd been promoted. I was so shocked I swerved the car. He phoned me again to say I'd been promoted even higher and I swerved again. He then made me managing director and I went right off into a tree. The police came and asked me what had happened. I said 'I careered off the road'
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I visited the offices of the RSPCA today. It's tiny: you couldn't swing a cat in there.
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I was stealing things in the supermarket today while balanced on the shoulders of a couple of vampires. I was charged with shoplifting on two counts.
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I bought a train ticket to France and the ticket seller said 'Eurostar' I said 'Well I've been on telly but I'm no Dean Martin.
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I phoned the local gym and I asked if they could teach me how to do the splits. He said, 'How flexible are you?' I said, 'I can't make Tuesdays or Thursdays.'
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I went to the local video shop and I said, 'Can I borrow Batman Forever?' He said, 'No, you'll have to bring it back tomorrow'
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A waiter asks a man, 'May I take your order, sir?' 'Yes,' the man replies. 'I'm just wondering, exactly how do you prepare your chickens?' 'Nothing special, sir. We just tell them straight out that they're going to die.'

by **Thames Iron** » Oct 25th, '08, 10:48

Police stop an old farmer driving a banger with his dog on the back seat. Cop goes through the first phase of checks - tax, insurance and so on. Nothing wrong. Then he commences second phase of checks - tail lights, tyres, etc. Nothing wrong there either. Saddened at not having found some misdemeanour, he instructs farmer to wind down window.
"Everything in order - have a nice day" grunts the cop and then as an afterthought says "Have you a licence for that dog?"
"No" says the farmer
The cop's eyes start to light up, taking out his notebook he asks "And why not?"
"Because I do most of the drivin' meself" says the farmer

by **Mandrake** » Nov 5th, '08, 11:33

An American decided to write a book about famous churches around the world so he bought a plane ticket and took a trip to China .

On his first day he was inside a church taking photographs when he noticed a golden telephone mounted on the wall with a sign that read '$10,000 per call'. The American, being intrigued, asked a priest who was strolling by, what the telephone was used for. The priest replied that it was a direct line to Heaven and that for $10,000 you could talk to God.

The American thanked the priest and went on his way.

Next stop was in Japan . There, at a very large cathedral, he saw the same golden telephone with the same sign under it. He wondered if this was the same kind of telephone he saw in China and he asked a nearby nun what its purpose was. She told him that it was a direct line to Heaven and that for $10,000 he could talk to God.

'OK, thank you.' said the American.

He then travelled to Pakistan , Sri Lanka , Russia , Germany and France. In every church he saw the same golden telephone with the same '$10,000 per call' sign under it. The American, upon leaving Vermont decided to travel to the UK to see if the British had the same phone.

He arrived in Yorkshire and again, in the first church he entered, there was the same golden telephone. But this time the sign under it read '20 pence per call'. The American was surprised, so he asked the priest about the sign. 'Father, I've travelled all over the world and I've seen this same golden telephone in many churches. I'm told that it is a direct line Heaven. But everywhere I went the price was $10,000 per call. Why is it so cheap here?'

The priest smiled and answered, 'you're in Yorkshire now, son - it's a local call'.

by **Mark Waddington** » Nov 5th, '08, 11:36

Mandrake wrote:The priest smiled and answered, 'you're in Yorkshire now, son - it's a local call'.

Loves it!!

Yorkshire is actually the best thing to happen to the world - FACT

by **moonbeam** » Nov 5th, '08, 23:39

Mark Waddington wrote:Yorkshire is actually the best thing to happen to the world - FACT

Now that really is the funniest joke on here so far (if you know which county Burnley is in, then you'll hopefully forgive my sarcasm lol :shock:

.)

by **Mark Waddington** » Nov 5th, '08, 23:49

Yes, im very aware of the location of Burnley my beamy friend!!!!!!!

by **Farlsborough** » Nov 6th, '08, 16:58

Dad told me this one recently, not shocking or revolutionary but a nice joke I think... probably much funnier to the Yorkshire contingent...!

Stan and Irene are wondering around an annual airshow, as they have done every year for the last 20 years. As usual, towards the end of the day Stan is looking longingly at the helicopter rides stand.

"I would so love to go in a helicopter Irene... You know, I'm 82, I may not be around for ever.
His wife replies "I know dear, but money doesn't go on trees, and you know - thirty pounds is thirty pounds!"

Stan goes quiet and they drive home.

The following year, they return to the airshow. Stan drags Irene to the helicopter ride stand, looks doleful and says,

"You know Irene, I'm 83, and I'm not in the best of health. I would love to have a go on that helicopter, just once."
"How much is it this year? Forty pounds?" His wife replies, "I know Stan, it'd be fun I'm sure, but, you know, forty pounds is forty pounds!"

They return home.

They visit the airshow again the following year. Stan stands by the helicopter ride stand, looking forlorn.

"You know Irene, I'm 84 now, and I would so much love to have a go on the helicopter."
Irene replies, "I know love, but really, we've got the grand children's christmas presents to think about, and it's gone up again. You know Stan, fifty pounds is fifty pounds."

"Stop!" shouts the helicopter pilot. "I'm so sick and tired of hearing you two bicker about this, every single year! I'll do you a deal - I'll take you both on a helicopter ride, for FREE. The only condition is, you must KEEP QUIET. If I hear a peep out of either of you while we're in the air, you pay the full amount!"

Stan and Irene nod timidly, and climb aboard.

The pilot gets into the air and looks into the back - the old couple are having the time of their life, pointing and gasping, but managing not to say a word. He smiles to himself and starts to do swing the helicopter from side to side, perform sudden plummets, dangerous stunts - anything he can to make the old couple break their silence. Nothing.

They land safely on the ground and he shouts back, "you know, I'm very impressed. I'll be honest, I was doing everything to make you say something, but you've done yourselves proud, and I'll keep my word - the trip's free."

Stan replies, "Thank you so much! I was going to say something when Irene fell out, but, you know... fifty pounds is fifty pounds!"

:lol:

by **Mandrake** » Nov 13th, '08, 00:40

Elsewhere FairieSnuff wrote:Sounds like something out of the wizard of Oz ... hmmmm

Which reminds me of the story of the poor little Toad who was quite poorly, terrible cough, sneezing all over the place etc so he went to Land of Oz to see Glinda the Good Witch of the North for help. She examined him and said she could only help for a short time but the Wizard of Oz would be able to offer a permanent cure. She gave the Toad some medicine and told him that there was just one side effect, it would turn his, er, dangly bits a bright primrose colour. He didn’t mind, took the medicine and started on his journey to see the Wizard. Shortly afterwards, a frog came to see Glinda with exactly the same problem. She offered him the same medicine with the same warning and the frog said he would risk it. He started off on his journey but turned back to ask Glinda exactly which way to go to see the wizard. ‘It’s easy’, said Glinda, ‘just follow the yellow dick toad’.

(Coat and hat at the ready, Mandrake exits stage left.....)

by **Mandrake** » Nov 13th, '08, 09:55

HOW DO YOU DECIDE WHOM TO MARRY? (Written by kids)

You got to find somebody who likes the same stuff. Like, if you like
sports, she should like it that you like sports, and she should keep the
chips and dip coming.
Alan, age 10

No person really decides before they grow up who they're going to marry.
God decides it all way before, and you get to find out later who you're
stuck with.
Kristen, age 10

WHAT IS THE RIGHT AGE TO GET MARRIED?
Twenty-three is the best age because you know the person FOREVER by
then.
Camille, age 10

HOW CAN A STRANGER TELL IF TWO PEOPLE ARE MARRIED?
You might have to guess, based on whether they seem to be yelling at the
same kids.
Derrick, age 8

WHAT DO YOU THINK YOUR MOM AND DAD HAVE IN COMMON?
Both don't want any more kids.
Lori, age 8

WHAT DO MOST PEOPLE DO ON A DATE?
Dates are for having fun, and people should use them to get to know each
other. Even boys have something to say if you listen long enough.
Lynnette, age 8 (isn't she a treasure)

On the first date, they just tell each other lies and that Usually gets
them interested enough to go for a second date.
Martin, age 10

WHAT WOULD YOU DO ON A FIRST DATE THAT WAS TURNING SOUR?
I'd run home and play dead. The next day I would call all the newspapers
and make sure they wrote about me in all the dead columns.
Craig, age 9

WHEN IS IT OKAY TO KISS SOMEONE?
When they're rich.
Pam, age 7

The law says you have to be eighteen, so I wouldn't want to mess with
that.
Curt, age 7

The rule goes like this: If you kiss someone, then you should marry them
and have kids with them. It's the right thing to do.
Howard, age 8

IS IT BETTER TO BE SINGLE OR MARRIED?
It's better for girls to be single but not for boys. Boys need someone
to clean up after them.
Anita, age 9 (bless you child)

HOW WOULD THE WORLD BE DIFFERENT IF PEOPLE DIDN'T GET MARRIED?
There sure would be a lot of kids to explain, wouldn't there?
Kelvin, age 8

And the #1 Favorite is........
HOW WOULD YOU MAKE A MARRIAGE WORK?
Tell your wife that she looks pretty, even if she looks like a truck.
Ricky, age 10

by **moonbeam** » Nov 16th, '08, 21:57

Man walks into the bedroom with a sheep under his arm while his wife is lying in bed reading.

Man says: "This is the pig I have sex with when you've got a headache."

Wife replies: "I think you'll find that is a sheep."

Man replies: "I think you'll find I was talking to the sheep."

by **Magnus** » Nov 18th, '08, 09:43

"What's LONG and HARD and full of SEMEN?"

A submarine of course (be sure to pronounce "seamen" right when you tell that joke to someone

by **Gary Dickson** » Nov 18th, '08, 19:24

What's the difference between roast beef and pea soup?

Anyone can roast beef.

by **Mandrake** » Jan 22nd, '09, 10:12

Our local radio station had a piece about the recent statue of the Fonz, made from bronze and wondered if any other 'names' should have statues made of materials rhyming with their names. So far they've suggested Keanu Reeves, made from leaves, Jonathan Ross, made from moss, Gail Porter, made from mortar. The one of Brad Pitt isn't doing too well apparently.....

by **heronjester** » Jan 22nd, '09, 10:24

Mandrake wrote:Our local radio station had a piece about the recent statue of the Fonz, made from bronze and wondered if any other 'names' should have statues made of materials rhyming with their names. So far they've suggested Keanu Reeves, made from leaves, Jonathan Ross, made from moss, Gail Porter, made from mortar. The one of Brad Pitt isn't doing too well apparently.....

Thanks Mandrake, gave me a smile.

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