talkmagic.co.uk

Morgan wrote:What's the difference between a lorryful of beer-kegs and a lorryful of babies?
You can't unload beer-kegs with a pitch-fork.

Ah! baby jokes!
Must... not... get... started... on... baby... jokes....

An old lady was pulled over by the cops for speeding. The officer walked up and said

"May I see your license please?"

The old lady replied "No sir, I dont have a license and if I did I wouldn't show it to you anyway!"

"Then may I see your vehicle registration?' he asked.

"No you may not," she said "this isn't my car. I just stole it one town over."

"Maam I need you to step out of the vehicle and open the trunk!" he said.

"Nope cant do it" the old lady replied "I killed the owner and stuffed him in the trunk!"

The officer returned to his car and called for his sargent. When the sargent arrived he walked up to the car and asked the old lady if there was a problem.

"No" she replied.

"Then can I see your drivers license? he asked.

"Yes sir, its right here." she replied.

"And what about the vehicle registration? he asked.

"Here it is officer." she said as she handed it to him.

At this point the sargent was confused,

"My officer told me that you didnt have a license, had stolen a car and had stuffed the owner in the trunk!" He said.

The old lady replied, " I bet the lying bu**er told you I was speeding too, didnt he!"



Big D

The very first joke that I remember making up myself (at a very young age suitable for inventing one's first joke at) was:

Q - What do you call a short song?
A - A universe.

Two snowmen in a garden,One says to the other ''do u smell carrots''

A bride on her wedding night says to her husband "I must confess
darling, I used to be a hooker!"
He says "That's alright, dear. Your past is your past, but I must admit
that I find it quite erotic. Tell me about it".
She replies "Well, my name was Nigel, and I played for Wigan!"

Being British is about...

Driving in a German car to an Irish pub for a Belgian beer, then grabbing an Indian curry or a Turkish kebab. Getting home and sitting on a Swedish sofa to watch US shows on a Japanese TV.

Proud to be British!

I have read most the pages but not all!

Why has Edward Woodward got so many D's in his name?
Cos if he didnt have he would be EWAR WOOWAR.

I came home from the pub last Friday night stinking drunk, as I sometimes do, and crept into bed beside my wife, who was already asleep.

I gave her a peck on the cheek and fell asleep.

When I awoke I found a strange man standing at the end of my bed wearing a long flowing white robe.

"Who the hell are you?" I screamed, "and what are you doing in my bedroom?".

The mysterious Man answered "This isn't your bedroom and I'm St Peter".

I was stunned "You mean I'm dead!!! That can't be, I have so much to live for, I haven't said goodbye to my family.... you've got to send me back straight away - is there any way you can do that?".

St Peter replied that yes, I could be reincarnated.

He checked my life history and added up the points I had earned and said "From your score I can only send you back as a worm or a hen."

Well I was devastated, I thought I had led a better life than that, but knowing there was a farm not far from my house, I asked to be sent back as a hen in the faint hope that I would be able to see my family again.

A flash of light later and there was I, covered in feathers and clucking around, pecking the ground.

"This ain't so bad" I thought until I felt this strange feeling welling up inside me.

The farmyard rooster strolled over and said "So you're the new hen, how are you enjoying your first day here?"

"It's not so bad" I replied, "but I have this strange feeling inside like I'm about to explode".

"You're ovulating" explained the rooster, "don't tell me you've never laid an egg before".

"Never!" I replied, scared at the thought of laying eggs.

"Well just relax and let it happen" said the rooster.

And so I did and after a few uncomfortable seconds later, an egg pops out from under my tail. An immense feeling of relief swept over me and my emotions got the better of me as I experienced motherhood for the first time. When I laid my second egg, the feeling of happiness was overwhelming and I knew that being reincarnated as a hen was the best thing that ever happened to me... ever!!!

The joy kept coming and as I was just about to lay his third egg I felt an enormous smack on the back of my head and heard my wife shouting "Graeme, wake up you drunken b*****, you're shitting the bed!"

A husband and wife came for counseling after 20 years of marriage. When asked what the problem was, the wife went into a passionate, painful tirade listing every problem they had ever had in the 20 years they had been married.

She went on and on and on: neglect, lack of intimacy, emptiness, loneliness, feeling unloved and unlovable, an entire laundry list of unmet needs she had endured over the course of their marriage.

Finally, after allowing this to go on for a sufficient length of time, the therapist got up, walked around the desk and, after asking the wife to stand, embraced and kissed her passionately as her husband watched with a raised eyebrow. The woman shut up and quietly sat down as though in a daze.

The therapist turned to the husband and said, 'This is what your wife needs at least three times a week. Do you think you can help?'

The husband thought for a moment, then replied, 'Well, I can drop her off here on Mondays and Wednesdays, but on Fridays, I play golf.'

Crozboz told me this joke, I really hope he won't mind me sharing it...

A man is randomly in a fabric shop one day and spots the most handsome woollen blend he has ever seen - unfortunately, there is not a lot left. Unperturbed, he buys up the last bit, and takes it to a Jewish tailors. He asks the tailor, "is there enough here to make me a suit?"

After measuring him up and measuring the cloth, the tailor frowns and tells him unfortunately there is not.

Saddened, the man takes his wonderful fabric and leaves. On the way home he decides to try one more tailor's shop for a second opinion. This time, the tailor measures him and says "almost certainly!" Smiling, the man is measured up and told to return in two weeks.

When he returns to collect his garments, he sees his suit hanging up - immaculate workmanship, a picture of masculine elegance. Not only that, but the tailor proudly presents his four year old son, who is wearing an exact replica of the same suit made out of the remnants of the fabric!

Obviously pleased, the man stops in at the Jewish tailor's shop to have a word. "You said there wasn't enough fabric here, but the tailor down the street not only made me this wonderful suit, but made one for his four year old son from the same cloth! How do you explain that?!"

The tailor looks at him wistfully and replies, "my son's twelve."


Heh heh. A joke of course, I have nothing against the Jewish... although recently in the news there was the unfortunate rabbi who botched a circumcision...

he got the sack.

Of course, being a rabbi isn't such a bad job... you get to keep the tips...

This poor young lady, she had tried everything to get pregnant, and following the unfortunate passing of her husband, was at her wits end as to what to do. Having exhausted all the regular methodology, she was willing to dabble in the bizarre. She happened upon a travelling gypsy, who was parading her wares as a faith healer of sorts, and so she took consultation. The gypsy lady took pity on her circumstances, and offered to bestow and old gypsy secret remedy.
"You see, although us gypsy folk are a close fraternity, we haven't always had so much luck in the romance stakes. In order to keep our heritage, we had to take drastic measures. This pill is concentrated calcium, it gathers nutrients from the rest of your body, to create a baby inside of you. In nine months, you shall have youself a beautiful child. Now on that childs 13th birthday, the calcium build up will manifest itself in the form of the passing of a small pebble. This may alarm you, but trust me, it is perfectly natural."
The poor young lady was willing to believe anything at this point, so she thanked the gypsy lady, and took her pill home.
It was at this point her luck changed, and sure enough a month later the doctor told her she was expecting triplets, and sure enough 8 months later, she gave birth to a beautiful baby boy and two enchanting girls.
They aged handsomely, and had the best life any child could hope for.
On the 13th birthday, the eldest of the two girls came running into the mothers bed chamber screaming,
"mum, help, what's happening. I was in the bathroom taking care of my business, when I happened to pass a stone in my urine!!!"
"Don't you worry" said the mother "you are perfectly fine, and healthy". Trusting her mother, she went on her way. An hour later the younger of the girls came running into the kitchen.
"Mum, help, what's happening. I was in the bathroom taking care of my business, when I happened to pass a stone in my urine!!"
Now don't you worry my dear, it's a reminder that you are perfectly healthy and wonderful." and she too went on her way.
That afternoon, the young boy came running in to the study.
"Mum, come quick, I need your help!!"
"I know..." said the mother "you were on the toilet taking care of your business, and a stone appeared in the bowl."
The boy looked at his mother, "not quite, I was having a W**K and I shot the cat."

What's brown and sticky?

A turd.

It may have already been posted, but I was once told...

Written on the wall in a girl's bathroom:
MY MOTHER MADE ME A LESBIAN!

Below it:
IF I GIVE HER THE WOOL, WILL SHE MAKE ME ONE TOO?

soz if this has already been told.

two chav's jump of a cliff, who wins?

society!!!

and...

what do you do if you see a chav with half a face?

stop laughing and reload

A young girl is on the phone and asks her boyfriend to come over and have dinner with her parents. This will be the first time that the boyfriend has met the parents. Since this is such a big event, the girl announces to her boyfriend that after dinner, she would like to go out and make love to him for the first time.

Well, the boy is ecstatic, but he has never had sex before, so he takes a trip to the pharmacist to get some condoms. He tells the pharmacist it's his first time and the pharmacist helps the boy for about an hour. He tells the boy everything there is to know about condoms and sex.

At the register, the pharmacist asks the boy how many condoms he'd like to buy, a 3-pack, 10-pack, or family pack. The boy insists on the family pack because he thinks he will be rather busy, it being his first time and all.

That night, the boy shows up at the girl's parents house and meets his girlfriend at the door. "Oh, I'm so excited for you to meet my parents, come on in!"

The boy goes inside and is taken to the dinner table where the girl's parents are seated. The boy quickly offers to say grace and bows his head.

A minute passes, and the boy is still deep in prayer, with his head down.

10 minutes pass, and still no movement from the boy.

Finally, after 20 minutes with his head down, the girlfriend leans over and whispers to him, "I had no idea you were this religious."

The boy turns, and whispers back, "I had no idea your father was a pharmacist."