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It was so cold last winter that all the flashers leapt out at people and described themselves..

Three women are having lunch together. One is engaged, one is a mistress, and one has been married for 20+ years.

Chatting about how to spice up their relationships they decided to amaze their menfolk by greeting them at the door wearing a black bra, stiletto heels and a mask over their eyes, they agreed to meet in a few days to exchange notes. Here's how it all went:

The engaged friend reported,
"The other night when my boyfriend came over he found me with a black
leather bodice, tall stilettos and a mask. He saw me and said, 'You are the woman of my dreams. I love you.' Then we made passionate love all night long."

The mistress reported:
"Me too! The other night I met my lover at his office and I was wearing
a raincoat, under it only the black bra, heels and Mask over my eyes.
When I opened the raincoat he didn't say a word, but he started to
tremble and we had wild sex all night."

The married lady then shared her story:
"When my husband came home, I was wearing the black bra,
Black stockings, stilettos and a mask over my eyes.
When he came in the door and saw me, he said,









'What's for dinner, Zorro?' "

His funeral's on Thursday....

I got pulled over for drink driving hte other day and failed the breathalizer test so they took me in for a urine test, I peed in the jar and just before he bagged the jar the cop went to the bathroom, as he did so i picked up the sample and pocketed it.........


Now there charging me with taking the *.

A man goes to the Doctors.

"Doctor, I have a very sensitive problem"

"Really? What seems to be the problem"

"Well, I have a lettuce leaf sticking out of my bottom"

"Oh dear... That does sound sensitive. Let me see"

The man drops his pants, bends over and the Doctor looks and recoils in horror.

"W...w...what is it, Doctor? Is it serious?"

The Doctor composes himself.

"I'm afraid it's just the tip of the iceberg"

A man bought a new Mercedes to celebrate his wife leaving him and was out on the interstate for a nice evening drive.

The top was down, the breeze was blowing through what was left of his hair and he decided to open her up. As the needle jumped up to 80 mph, he suddenly saw flashing red and blue lights behind him.

"There's no way they can catch a Mercedes," he thought to himself and opened her up further. The needle hit 90, 100.....Then the reality of the situation hit him. "What am I doing?" he thought and pulled over.

The cop came up to him, took his license without a word and examined it and the car.

"It's been a long hard day, this is the end of my shift and it's Friday. I don't feel like more paperwork, I don't need the frustration or the overtime, so if you can give me a really good excuse for your driving that I haven't heard before, you can go."

The guy thinks about it for a second and says, "Last week my nagging wife ran off with a cop. I was afraid you were trying to give her back!"

"Have a nice weekend," said the officer.

A horse walks into a bar and the bartender says 'Why the long face?'
The horse replies: 'I have cancer.'


Why were the strawberries upset? Because they were in a JAM.

oh lololololol

Two parrots in a cage sitting on a perch and one says to the other
"something smells fishy around here"

A lawyer and a senior citizen are sitting next to each other on a long flight. The lawyer is thinking that seniors are so dumb that he could get one over on them easy.So the lawyer asks if the senior would like to play a fun game.

The senior is tired and just wants to take a nap, so he politely declines and tries to catch a few winks. The lawyer persists, saying that the game is a lot of fun. I ask you a question, and if you don't know the answer, you pay me only $5. Then you ask me one, and if I don't know the answer, I will pay you $500, he says.

This catches the senior's attention and, to keep the lawyer quiet, he agrees to play the game. The lawyer asks the first question. 'What's the distance from the Earth to the Moon?' The senior doesn't say a word, but reaches into his pocket, pulls out a five-dollar bill, and hands it to the lawyer. Now it's the senior's turn. He asks the lawyer, 'What goes up a hill with three legs, and comes down with four?'

The lawyer uses his laptop and searches all references he can find on the Net. He sends e-mails to all the smart friends he knows; all to no avail. After an hour of searching, he finally gives up. He wakes the senior and hands him $500. The senior pockets the $500 and goes right back to sleep.

The lawyer is going nuts not knowing the answer. He wakes the senior up and asks, 'Well, so what goes up a hill with three legs and comes down with four?' The senior reaches into his pocket, hands the lawyer $5, and goes back to sleep......

Why is getting up for work in the morning like a pigs tail?

It's twirly!

Exit signs...theyre on the way out.

Whats brown and travells? Doctor Poo

Some very sad news. The man who owned Odeon cinemas has passed away.
His funeral is on Friday @ 2:10, 4:20, 5:50, 6:40 and 7:30.

I like to go to the park to play chess with the nice old men there.



Of course getting 32 of them together all at once can be quite challenging but those bald ones sure do make excellent pawns.

liverpool 7 wrote:Some very sad news. The man who owned Odeon cinemas has passed away.
His funeral is on Friday @ 2:10, 4:20, 5:50, 6:40 and 7:30.

Reminds me of:
Did you see in the paper today? The man who wrote and choreographed the Hokey-Pokey died yesterday. It took 6 hours to get his body in the casket.

A short-sighted bank robber walks into his local branch, pulls out a gun and says:

"Stick 'em up...



Are they up?"

so a seal walks into a club....