talkmagic.co.uk

Two peanuts were walking down the street... One was a salted.

Say it out loud!

All the old lady really wanted for her birthday was a singing telegram. As she woke up on her birthday morning she opened the curtains, the sun was shining, it was such a beautiful day, and her son was grandchildren were coming to stay. Perfect.
The old lady heard a knock at the door and opened it. A policeman was standing there...oooooooh she thought to her self, ' a singing policeman!!. "I have some news for you said the policeman". "All ive ever wanted for my birthday was a singing telegram, please sing to me, its not often youre 90 years old". "Are you sure you want me to sing it asked the policeman". "Yes, quite sure, it would make my day" repleied the old dear. "ok then here goes he said"

" Harry and the kids got killed on the motorway, killed on the motorway, killed on the motorway".

The early bird might get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.
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Knowledge is knowing a tomato is a fruit; Wisdom is not putting it in a fruit salad.
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I asked God for a bike, but I know God doesn't work that way. So I stole a bike and asked for forgiveness.
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The last thing I want to do is hurt you. But it's still on the list.
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If I agreed with you we'd both be wrong.
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A bus station is where a bus stops. A train station is where a train stops. On my desk, I have a work station.
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How is it one careless match can start a forest fire, but it takes a whole box to start a campfire?
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I thought I wanted a career, turns out I just wanted pay checks.
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Why do Americans choose from just two people to run for president and 50 for Miss America ?
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You do not need a parachute to skydive. You only need a parachute to be able to skydive ... again.
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Hospitality: making your guests feel like they're at home, even if you wish they were.
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A bus is a vehicle that runs twice as fast when you are after it as when you are in it.
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The preacher says, "Anyone with needs to be prayed for, come forward, to the front at the altar."
Sipho gets in line, and when it's his turn, the preacher asks: "Sipho, what do you want me to pray about for you."
Sipho replies: "Preacher, I need you to pray for my hearing."
The preacher puts one finger in Sipho's ear, and he places the other hand on top of Sipho's head and prays and prays and prays, he prays a blue streak for Sipho.
After a while, the Preacher removes his hands, stands back and asks, "Sipho, how is your hearing now?"
Sipho says, "I don't know, Reverend, my hearing is only next Wednesday ...!"

I liked the one about the bike...its the kind of thing id do

Did you hear the one about the magic tractor? It turned into a field.


(Yeah I know it's bad)

Willscarlet wrote:Did you hear the one about the magic tractor? It turned into a field.


(Yeah I know it's bad)

I used to love tractors but now I dont.
You could say I'm an ex-tractor fan.

Apparently TV sets in Dubai don't receive 'The Flintstones'....


... but the ones in Abu Dhabi Do!

tears of joy quickly turned to those of dispair in chile the other day, when gary glitter realised he had wasted 70 days eagerly looking forward to meeting 33 trapped miners.

Vegetarians don't live longer than the rest of us ... they just look older!

Chilean miner making love to his wife for the first time since release.....
'Can we switch the lights off?'....
' Of course honey'....
'Can i have you from behind?'....
'Anything you want my brave boy'....
'Ok, can i call you Pedro?'.

The other day I sat down in a Café with a cup of coffee and a magazine.
Just after I sat down I felt kind of bloated with some ”gassy air in my stomach“ that needed to go it's natural way.

The music in the Café was loud enough so I decided to ”get rid of the gas“ in rhythm with the music, so nobody would notice anything.

I managed skillfully to adapt my little toots in great sync to the music. A bit along the ending of Lady Gaga's ”Bad Romance“ and the rest along the beginning of CCR's ”Down on the Corner“. It went very well and to concentrate better on rhythm, I had closed my eyes.

I felt much better, rid of the gas in my stomach and took a sip of my coffee. Opening my eyes, I saw that everybody in the Café was staring at me and they didn't seem happy at all. That's the moment I realized I was listening to my own iPod!!!

Not so much a joke but a classic monologue from Cyril Fletcher - the old 'uns may remember him !

THE CONJUROR'S BRIDE
by
Cyril Fletcher


This is a story based on fact
About a famous conjuror's act.
The conjuror to our delight
Would saw a girl in half each night
And whilst we cheered with might and main
Would quickly make her one again.
Well, one day a tragic thing occurred
He could not find the magic word
To make the two parts one again
So in two parts he left poor Jane.
Well when they rang the curtain down
The lady's top half with a frown
Said "Here's a proper how d'you do
I don't like being left in two."
And said with tears upon her face,
"I think the whole thing's a disgrace!"
He answered her "Be patient dear"
But when a month passed, then a year
And still he had to her admit
He couldn't quite remember it.
She angrily began to call
Him words not magical at all
And through her teeth began to hiss
"My union shall hear of this"
And telling him he'd gone too far
Reported him to her Mama.
Her Mother called... a Mrs. Grumps
And said "You'll marry her... both lumps"
So to the Church he took his bride
And people came from far and wide
To hear the Parson there, what fun
Murmuring now you three are one.

There are two things I don't like about nick clegg.
His face.

I really need to learn how to read music.
I keep pronouncing it 'muss-uk'.

My friend told me that I don't understand irony.
Which is ironic because we were waiting for the bus.

I went to the cinema to watch this really sad film and half way through I got harpooned.
So I looked around and this guy was waling.

I got complimented on my parking today.
Someone left a note telling me my parking was fine.

I went to the Doctor and told him I thought I was a strawberry.
He said he'd give me some cream.

I recentlly bought this device which makes the car 80% quieter.
Fits right over her mouth.

I used to be indecisive, but now I'm not quite sure.

I went to a french restaurant and asked the waiter if she had frogs legs and she said no.
I said, good job or it would be difficult to walk.

I'm quite tight for cash. I eat beans on wednesday.
Means I get a bubble bath on thursday.

It really annoys me when people get 'your' and 'you're' mixed up. I think there idiots.

I took my wife to an Italian restaurant last night, but there was a big fat woman in the doorway and we couldn't get pasta.