talkmagic.co.uk

My neighbor dug a large hole in my yard and filled it with water.

I know he meant well.

1. I think part of a best friend's job should be to immediately clear your computer history if you die.

2. Nothing sucks more than that moment during an argument when you realize you're wrong.

3. I totally take back all those times I didn't want to nap when I was younger.

4. There is great need for a sarcasm font.

5. How the hell are you supposed to fold a fitted sheet?

6. Was learning cursive really necessary?

7. Map Quest really needs to start their directions on # 5. I'm pretty sure I know how to get out of my neighborhood.

8. Obituaries would be a lot more interesting if they told you how the person died.

9. I can't remember the last time I wasn't at least kind of tired.

10. Bad decisions make good stories.

11. You never know when it will strike, but there comes a moment at work when you know that you just aren't going to do anything productive for the rest of the day.

12. Can we all just agree to ignore whatever comes after Blue Ray? I don't want to have to restart my collection...again.

13. I'm always slightly terrified when I exit out of Word and it asks me if I want to save any changes to my ten-page technical report that I swear I did not make any changes to.

14. I keep some people's phone numbers in my phone just so I know not to answer when they call.

15. I think the freezer deserves a light as well.

16. I disagree with Kay Jewelers. I would bet on any given Friday or Saturday night more kisses begin with Miller Lite than K.

17. I wish Google Maps had an "Avoid Ghetto" routing option.

18. I have a hard time deciphering the fine line between boredom and hunger.

19. How many times is it appropriate to say "What?" before you just nod and smile because you still didn't hear or understand a word they said?

20. I love the sense of camaraderie when an entire line of cars team up to prevent a **** from cutting in at the front. Stay strong, brothers and sisters!

21. Shirts get dirty. Underwear gets dirty. Pants? Pants never get dirty, and you can wear them forever.

22. Sometimes I'll look down at my watch 3 consecutive times and still not know what time it is.

23. Even under ideal conditions people have trouble locating their car keys in a pocket, finding their cell phone, and Pinning the Tail on the Donkey - but I'd bet everyone can find and push the snooze button from 3 feet away, in about 1.7 seconds, eyes closed, first time, every time!

24. The first testicular guard, the "Cup," was used in Hockey in 1874 and the first helmet was used in 1974. That means it only took 100 years for men to realize that their brain is also important.

A guy goes into the confessional box after years of being away from the Church. He pulls aside the curtain, enters and sits down. There's a fully equipped bar with crystal glasses, the best wine, Guinness on tap, cigars and liqueur chocolates nearby, and on the wall a fine photographic display of buxom ladies, who appear to have mislaid their garments. He hears a priest come in: "Father, forgive me for it's been a very long time since I've been to confession and I must admit that the confessional box is much more inviting than it used to be". To which the priest replies..."Get out, you idiot. You're on my side".

I just quit my job at the helium gas factory.
I refuse to be spoken to in that tone!

My uncle passed away at work the other week. He drowned in a vat of Whisky.

I wouldn't feel too sorry for him, after all he did get out twice to use the bathroom.

I heard that Mandrake is a hug F1 fan.
I personally prefer Ctrl and Caps Lock.

Apparently Jeremy beadle had a small penis, but on the other hand it was massive!!

yddraig wrote:13. I'm always slightly terrified when I exit out of Word and it asks me if I want to save any changes to my ten-page technical report that I swear I did not make any changes to.

Totally.

No!
We need to keep the joke threads quite for a bit!
For the sake of all that is TM!


...sshhhhh................ he might hear us

Did you hear about those people who were going to watch a horror film but got a disney film instead? The cinema was playing Up.


I just made that up all by myself!!!




What do you mean you can tell?

I know that cinema, wasn't it the one which showed the 'adult' version of the Disney classic featuring Julie Andrews? The one called 'Mary Popouts'.....

Mandrake wrote:I know that cinema, wasn't it the one which showed the 'adult' version of the Disney classic featuring Julie Andrews? The one called 'Mary Popouts'.....

There was a cinema which accidentally put on Saw 3d instead of a kids film. It didn;t get stopped until the opening scene had finished (and those who have seen any saw movie bar the first know what the opening scene is generally like...). As a sorry they gave all the customers their money back

Mandrake wrote:I know that cinema, wasn't it the one which showed the 'adult' version of the Disney classic featuring Julie Andrews? The one called 'Mary Popouts'.....

It must be the same cinema that showed the “adult” version of a war classic, featuring Tom Hanks. It was called: “Shaving Ryan's privates” and the “adult” cartoon: “The Loin King”.

Police are searching for a thief who robs his victims by threatening them with a lighted match.

They want to catch him before he strikes again.

Sharon was more angry than ever.
-You're a looser!- She shouted at her husband Charlie.
-You have always been a looser and you will always be a looser! If there ever was a world wide contest about who was the biggest looser, you would definitely get second place there!-
-Second place?- Charlie asked. -Why second place?-
-Because you are such a looser!!!-