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These two are probably going to be bad but whatever.

So there was this old man who wanted to collect Social Security, so he heads out of the house and down to the SS office. He gets there and fills out all the paper work. When he gets to the front line, the lady asks him for his Social Security card. He searches his pockets and realizes that he left his wallet at home. The woman at the counter goes "Oh that's OK. Just unbutton your shirt a bit." So he does. "OK you're good to go. You have some gray chest hairs you're at least 65 years old.." So he heads home and when he opens the front door he sees his wife standing there with his wallet "You forgot something.." He replies back "Oh, don't worry about it. I just unbuttoned my shirt and the lady said I was good go to." His replies back with "You should of took your pants as well, then we could have also gotten disability."

A guy walks into the offices of a very famous New York Lawyers
V.V.Vandervuilder , and is sat down at a large polished desk where is he introduced to the senior partner and he says....

" Mr Vandervuilder , i am lead to believe that you will answer two very important questions for the sum of Five Thousand dollars , is this true"

Mr Vandervuilder replies " yes this is correct , now tell me Sir , what is the second question "

Aw, I prefer:

"What are your rates?"
"£1,000 for three questions."
"A grand? That's a bit expensive isn't it?"
"Yes it is. And your third question is..?"

Mr_Grue wrote:Aw, I prefer:

"What are your rates?"
"£1,000 for three questions."
"A grand? That's a bit expensive isn't it?"
"Yes it is. And your third question is..?"

Funny and a fantastic lesson in scripting
Seriously, it's wonderful where you can pick up advice and support.

G

Mr_Grue wrote:Aw, I prefer:

"What are your rates?"
"£1,000 for three questions."
"A grand? That's a bit expensive isn't it?"
"Yes it is. And your third question is..?"

I love that! :lol

Phone answering machine message - "...If you want to buy
marijuana, press the hash key..."

I went to a seafood disco last week...and pulled a muscle.

what is the noisiest thing on the seabed today..............
a moterpike and side carp.

What noise annoys a noisy oyster ?

A noisy noise annoys a noisy oyster.

What do you call a singing laptop? A Dell

*hangs his head in shame*

A Chinese man turns up for his first day in his new job at a large office in town. the manager sits him down and explains that his role as 'suppliers manager' entails managing stationary stocks and ensuring that the supplies cupboard is always fully stocked. He leads the chinese man to the cupboard, shows him in and tells him that this is his cupboard and to make sure that it is always full of supplies. With that he leaves for his 10am meeting.

Later that afternoon, the manager realises, he hasn't seen the chinese man for quite some time, so he asks around the office. No-one has seen him so he goes off to the cupboard to find him. He arrives to find the cupboard door shut, so he opens it. The room is in complete darkness, so the manager fumbles around for the lightswitch. he finds it and turns it on......with that the chinese man leaps from behind a carboard box and shouts.....


...."SUPPLIES!!!!!"

I went to an open-air café today and it started raining.
It took me four hours to eat my soup!

I was diagnosed with colour blindness.

It came right out of the purple.

Two puddles of sick are walking down the street. One starts crying.
"Whats up?", asks the other puddle.
"Aww, *sob*, it just brings back the memories. This is where I was brought up!"



And a not so clean one....

Whats similar about the mafia and oral sex?
One slip of the tongue and you're in the s***!

Apologies.

Some of these are quite old but still worth a chuckle or two.....

Only in Britain - extracts from letters of complaint written to local councils:

1. It's the dogs mess that I find hard to swallow.

2. I want some repairs done to my cooker as it has backfired and burnt my knob off.

3. I wish to complain that my father twisted his ankle very badly when he put his foot in the hole in his back passage.

4. Their 18 year old son is continually banging his balls against my fence.

5. I wish to report that tiles are missing from the outside toilet roof. I think it was bad wind the other day that blew them off.

6. My lavatory seat is cracked, where do I stand?

7. I am writing on behalf of my sink, which is coming away from the wall.

8. Will you please send someone to mend the garden path. My wife tripped and fell on it yesterday and now she is pregnant.

9. I request permission to remove my drawers in the kitchen.

10. 50% of the walls are damp, 50% have crumbling plaster, and 50% are just plain filthy.

11. I am still having problems with smoke in my new drawers.

12. The toilet is blocked and we cannot bath the children until it is cleared.

13. Will you please send a man to look at my water, it is a funny colour and not fit to drink.

14. Our lavatory seat is broken in half and now is in three pieces.

15. The man next door has a large erection in the back garden, which is unsightly and dangerous.

16. Our kitchen floor is damp. We have two children and would like a third, so please send someone round to do something about it.

17. I am a single woman living in a downstairs flat and would you please do something about the noise made by the man on top of me every night.

18. Please send a man with the right tool to finish the job and satisfy my wife.

19. I have had the clerk of works down on the floor six times but I still have no satisfaction.

20. This is to let you know that our lavatory seat is broke and we can't get BBC2.

I have to say, I have been affected by the death of Amy Winehouse more than most. Now I have to find a new dealer.

I hear Elton John will be singing in tribute to Amy Winehouse at her funeral. A tear-jerking rendition of 'candle under the spoon.'