talkmagic.co.uk

It was brilliant and had me in stitches.. the i saw the word penis..

perhaps I could use todger, or tinkle or somthing less blatant

Or one of the all time great words of comedy... "wang"

Definition of 'Wang':

1) A very common Chinese surname(meaning KING)
2) An ancient brand of computer systems
3) Penis, dong, schlong, dork, johnson, c**k, prick, dick
4) The jaw, jawbone, or cheek bone.
5) A slap; a blow.
6) A unit of measuring internet coolness


What a great word eh?

Did you hear about the dyslexic devil worshipper?

He sold his soul to santa!

There are three types of mentalists:
The ones that can count and the ones that cannot count.

How can you recognise an extrovert nerd? He is looking at your shoes!

Why does a giraffe have such a long neck? Because otherwise it would not reach its head.

And finally a wonderful joke I heard during a magic performance:
"We need to select a beutiful person" (pause)
"You sir! Please stand up" (pause)
"So who do you select?"

I said to my girlfriend "have you been eating lipstick?"
She said "no, why?"
I said "because it's all around your mouth."


I phoned the local swimming pool and said "is that the local swimming pool?" They said "I dunno, where do you live?"


I went into a music shop and said "I want something that goes like this [MIMES GUITAR WHILE MAKING HENDRIX-STYLE SOLO NOISE]"
The guy behind the counter said "what, you mean like this [MIMES GUITAR WHILE MAKING HENDRIX-STYLE SOLO NOISE]"
I said "Yes, you'll do."


Knowlege is knowing that a tomato is a fruit
Wisdom is not putting it in a fruit salad


I was in a motorway service station the other day, buying a sandwich, a packet of crisps and a can of coke. I told the woman behind the counter that I only had a fifty pound note. She said "that's OK, you can put the crisps back."


While I was driving through Wales, I got lost and stopped off on the motorway to have some dinner.
"Could you tell me where abouts I am" I asked the waitress "but please say it slowly, I have trouble with the names around here"
"Of course sir" she replied, "you're at leeetlecheeeef."


A door-to-door salesman knocks on a door only to have it opened by a nine year old boy. This wouldn't be too suprising except that this boy had a lit cigar in one hand and a tumbler of whisky in the other. To make things even more bizarre, he had call-girl hanging off each arm.
"Are your parents home sonny?" the salesman asked.
"Does it f******g look like it!" the boy laughed.


Q. What do mathematicians do when they're constipated?
A. Work it out with a pencil.


Our man hears that there is a job going at the docks for anyone who has long hair. Since he doesn't currently have a job and he has long hair this seems to be a perfect opportunity. So he turns up at the docks, only to find the manager has gone home. The foreman however, tells him that due to his lovely long locks he's bound to get the job if he turns up the next morning.

So off the man goes to find somewhere to sleep. And as luck would have it, he finds a boarding house still open and receiving guests. Mrs Miggins, the landlady, explains that the only room available is a shared one and he'll have to share with three skinheads. Our man doesn't mind and asks Mrs Miggins if she wake him up at 6am.

The skinheads are delighted to meet our man and insist that he joins in with their drinking games. He does and is soon passed out drunk. While he sleeps the skinheads decide to shave his head for a laugh.

The next morning Mrs Miggins wakes him up at six and before sending him on his way to the docks cooks him a lovely breakfast.

Our man then turns up at the docks and is taken to see the manager who takes one look at him and says "I'm sorry but we can't employ you, we have a strict policy on hairstyles". Confused, our man wonders over to the mirror hanging on the wall and exclaims "that stupid woman! She's only gone and woken up the wrong man!"

A man goes into a restaurant and orders pie and chips. The man starts to eat the pie and reliazes theres a worm in the pie, so he calls the waiter over and says waiter theres a worm in my pie, the waiter says no thats fat and the man replies with with its entitled to be its eaten all the bloody meat.

I was in hysterics the first time i heard this.

A duck walks into a pub and goes up to the barman.
"Do you sell bikinis", asks the Duck
"No sorry, we're a pub" replies the barman
"Do you sell bikinis", repeats the Duck
"No we don't" is the reply
"Do you sell bikinis", asks the Duck again
"No we don't sell bikinis" replies the rather irritated barman
"Do you sell bikinis", repeats the Duck
"NO WE DON'T!!!!!" shouts the barman
"Do you sell bikinis", repeats the Duck again
"Look, if you ask me that one more time,I'm going to nail your bill to the bar"
"Do you sell nails" asks the Duck
"NO!!!" is the reply
"Do you sell bikinis", asks the Duck



I love that joke!

I like the giraffe one best (the long neck - although the high ball one was chuckleworthy too).

Here is my current favourite quick joke.

A man goes to the library and says to the librarian, "Can I have some fish and chips please?"
The librarian said "You do know that this is a Library don’t you?" so the man whispers, "Sorry. Can I have some fish and chips please"

A drunk gets up from the bar and heads for the bathroom. A few minutes later, a loud, blood-curdling scream is heard coming from the bathroom.

A few minutes after that, another loud scream echo's through the bar. The bartender goes into the bathroom to investigate what the drunk is screaming about.

The bartender yells, "What's all the screaming about in there? You're scaring my customers!"

The drunk responds, "I'm just sitting here on the toilet and every time I try to flush, something comes up and squeezes the hell out of my testicles."

The bartender opens the door and looks in.

You idiot! You're sitting on the mop bucket!

The doctor took Dan into the room and said, "Dan, I have some good news and some bad news."

"Oh, no. Give me the good news, I guess," Dan replied.

"They're going to name a disease after you."

what's the best thing about having sex with a tramp?

In the morning, you can drop them off anywhere...

too many dyslexia jokes. and on that note...

what does DNA stand for?
National Dyslexia Assocciation


dear dear, it's not big and it's not clever
(like a dwarf with an IQ of 40)

A woman goes into a bar and puts her hand up, revealing a very hairy armpit, and shouts "does anyone want to get me a drink ?"

The drunk in the corner says to the barman "get the ballerina a drink, I'll pay"

A few minutes later the woman raises her arm, again showing a big hairy armpit and shouts "does anyone want to get me a drink ?"

The drunk in the corner again says to the barman "get the ballerina a drink, I'll pay"

Yet again, a few minutes later the woman raises her arm, revealing her hairy armpit and shouts "does anyone want to get me a drink ?"

The drunk in the corner yet again says to the barman "get the ballerina a drink, I'll pay"

The barman says "OK - but why 'the ballerina' bit ?"

The drunk says "any bird who can lift her leg that high deserves a drink !"

I'm so lazy, my smoke alarm has a snooze button.