talkmagic.co.uk

I have been asked by my area manager who was told I was the funniest guy in our department to come up with 3 really funny jokes by 7pm!!

They have to be clean as they are for a board meeting...
Please help!!!!

A polar bear walks into a bar, goes up to the barman and asks for a pint of lager (.....you dont say anything for about 5secs....) and a packet of crisps. the barmans says - why the big pause? (big paws!!!)

Two JD's. One asks the other "Wanna catch a film?" The other says, "Dunno. Who's the projectionist?"

1. Guy walks into a bar- ouch! its an iron bar.


2. Guy and a giraffe walk into a pub and proceed to get absolutely wasted. Half way through the nite, the giraffe's eyes roll back and it slumps to the floor. They guy keeps on drinking. Finally the barman calls last orders, the guy stands up puts on his jacket and as he is about to leave the barman calls out "Oi!, you can leave that lying there!", the guy replys "it not a lion its a giraffe"

3. Two birds sitting on a perch, one syas to the other "sniff, sniff, can you smell fish?"

Man goes on a bus..........................not often you see mangos on a bus!!! (did I really just post that? )

lol made me laugh still but I want REALLY funny jokes

A guy walks into a bar and says ' If I show you something spectacular can I have a free drink? '

The barman agrees and the guy pulls out of his pocket and small man and a small piano. The little man starts playing the piano.

The barman is delighted ' WOW that amazing, heres a drink on the house but tell me, where did you get it?'

'Round the back in the alley, I found a lamp, a genie came out and granted me one free wish.. and here I am!!'

The barman asks if he can go look while the guy looks after the bar and it is agreed.

The barman runs round the back into the alley and finds the lamp.. he rubs it and a genie comes out and says

' I am the genie of the lamp.. Ill give you one free wish '

The barman smiles 'Right.. I want a million squillion bucks!!'

The genie says 'Fine' claps his hands.. a puff of green smoke and loads of DUCKS fall out the sky!!

The barman goes back to the bar and says disspointingly

'I found the lamp but.. that genie aint half a bit deaf '

The guy looks at him blankly ' Come on mate, did you really think I asked for a 12 inch pianist!!!

Two nuns in a bath, one says "where's the soap?"........the other replies "yeah, it does doesn't it!"

You said 'clean' ! Giraffe walks into a cocktail bar and says, 'Hey guys, the highballs are on me'. OK, I'll get me coat......

not too clean they have to be funny

A man goes into a pub and sees a jar of money on the bar with a sign saying "Make the donkey laugh. Win all this money!" on it. So he asks the barkeeper what it's all about.

"Well my son," he says "we've got this donkey out back, and he nevers smiles, and he never laughs and he never does anything. So you put five pounds in the jar right, and if you win, you keep all the money that's in there. Simple right?"
The man decides to go for it considering there's well over £200 in the jar. He pays his fiver and says "I'll just be a moment" as he walks the donkey to the toilets.

30 seconds later the donkey stumbles out absolutely howling with laughter and the barkeeper can't understand it.

"How on earth did you make him laugh?" he asks.
The man apologises that he can't tell him and that it's a trade secret.

A few weeks later, the man goes into the same pub and sees a full jar of money again, this time with a sign saying "Make the donkey cry. Win all this money!" so he asks the barkeeper if it's the same deal.
It is, so the man pays his fiver and takes the donkey off to the toilets again.

30 seconds later the donkey comes out utterly distraught. tears running down his face, hysterically crying and the barman says "Well you got me son. I have no idea how only you can invoke a reaction from my donkey. Please please please tell me how you did it!"

The man takes his money and says "Alright. But this is just between you and me...

To make him laugh, I told him I had a bigger penis than him..."

The barman nods and says "And to make him cry?"

"I proved it to him"

Well if thats the way its going - a woman walks into a bar and asks the barman for a double-entendre, so he gave her one.

iv'e said it before but here goes.

did you hear about the dyslexic pimp who bourght a warehouse.

Are there ANY CLEAN jokes that are actually FUNNY

I love these but its for a board meeting..

but to carry on where left off..


Welcome to the board meeting..

Dont worry, There WILL be prostitutes along any minute

How was my joke not clean? Ish.