Really funny Jokes ( have to be clean )

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Postby Mandrake » Dec 21st, '06, 17:12



'Doctor, doctor, there's a black, insecty thing circling my head.'

'Don't worry, it's just a bug going round...'

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Postby Yorkshire Pudding » Dec 21st, '06, 17:42

Lady of Mystery wrote:A duck walks into a pub and goes up to the barman.
"Do you sell bikinis", asks the Duck
"No sorry, we're a pub" replies the barman
"Do you sell bikinis", repeats the Duck
"No we don't" is the reply
"Do you sell bikinis", asks the Duck again
"No we don't sell bikinis" replies the rather irritated barman
"Do you sell bikinis", repeats the Duck
"NO WE DON'T!!!!!" shouts the barman
"Do you sell bikinis", repeats the Duck again
"Look, if you ask me that one more time,I'm going to nail your bill to the bar"
"Do you sell nails" asks the Duck
"NO!!!" is the reply
"Do you sell bikinis", asks the Duck

:lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol:

I love that joke!


The exasperated barman said to the duck: "Say 'C' as in CAT",
So the duck said "C".

The barman continued: "Say 'D' as in DOG",
So the duck said "D".

The barman said "Say 'F' as in BIKINIS",
The duck said: " There is no F in bikinis!"

The barman shouted: "THAT'S EXACTLY WHAT I'VE BEEN TRYING TO TELL YOU!"

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Postby Tomo » Dec 21st, '06, 18:03

So, anyway, yes, I was in the doctors the other day and there was this man next to me, and I said "what are you here for, Pal?" I called him that because he had a face like a tin of dog food. He said, "I've got a cricket ball stuck up me doodah". I said, "How's that then?" He said "Oh, don't you start too!"

Anyway, it was my turn next, and the doctor said, "what seems to be the problem?" So I said "I keep thinking I'm a dog." "You keep thinking you're a dog? How long's this been going on?" he asked. "Since I was a puppy," I replied. Anyway, he looked worried and said, "I don't like the look of this. It's definitely psychiatric in nature. I think we'd better have you on the couch." "I can't!" I shouted, recoiling in fear. "I'm not allowed on the couch..."

I can do FAR worse, you know...

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Postby ouch-kabibble » Dec 21st, '06, 18:25

A white horse walks into a bar, to which the barman exclaims- "I named my pub after you! "
Horse replies with "What, Cedric?"

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Postby Mandrake » Dec 21st, '06, 18:27

I was in the psychiatrist's office the other evening and half way through consultation I realised there was guy standing in the corner wearing a lampshade on his head. I asked the doctor what was wrong with him and he said, 'It's no big deal, he just thinks he's a lamp'. I said, 'Why don’t you cure him then?' and he replied, 'What and work in the dark?!!'. See I can get worse as well….

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Postby Tomo » Dec 21st, '06, 18:32

I'll see your lamp and raise you this:

My psychiatrist says he's treating two pairs of identical twins for multiple personality disorder. He's getting paid by 8 people!

Ouch!

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Postby Mandrake » Dec 21st, '06, 18:40

OK, try this one...

A Chihuahua, a Labrador and a Bulldog are in a bar when a great-looking female Collie comes up to them and says, "Whoever can say liver and cheese in a sentence can have me."

The labrador says, "I love liver and cheese." The Collie replies, "That's not good enough."

The Bulldog says, "I hate liver and cheese." She says, "That's not creative enough."

Finally, the Chihuahua says, "Liver alone . . . cheese mine."

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Postby Mandrake » Dec 21st, '06, 18:47

And I'll see you with

A guy walks into a bar and orders a beer, takes his first sip and puts it down. While he's looking around the bar, a monkey swings down and steals the pint of beer so swiftly there's nothing he can do. The man asks who owns the thieving little monkey and the barman points to the guy playing the piano. The man walks over and says "Oi - do you know your monkey just stole my #*%*ing beer?" The pianist replies "No, but if you hum it, I'll play it."

OK, coat, hat, on way out.....

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Postby Tomo » Dec 21st, '06, 18:52

I give in!

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Postby Yorkshire Pudding » Dec 21st, '06, 20:45

OK, A seasonal one!



Three men died on Christmas Eve and were met by Saint Peter at the pearly gates.
"In honor of this holy season," Saint Peter said, "you must each possess something that symbolizes Christmas to get into heaven."

The first man fumbled through his pockets and pulled out a lighter. He flicked it on.
"It represents a candle," he said.
"You may pass through the pearly gates," Saint Peter said.

The second man reached into his pocket and pulled out a set of keys.
He shook them and said, "They're bells."
Saint Peter said, "you may pass through the pearly gates."

The third man started searching desperately through his pockets and finally pulled out a pair of women's panties. St. Peter looked at the man with a raised eyebrow and asked, "And just what do those symbolize?"
The man replied,

"These are Carols."

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Postby Darth Psycrow » Dec 21st, '06, 21:01

I'm sorry if this offends anyone, it's so cruel but so funny

What did the blind, deaf and dumb kid get for Christmas...

...Cancer

Sorry

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Postby S. Lea » Dec 21st, '06, 21:44

Three bee-keepers are discussing their honey and hives.

The first says "I have 3 hives, 30,000 bees and get 300 jars of honey a season."

The second says "I have 9 hives and 60,000 bees and get 750 jars of honey a season."

The thirds says "I have one hive, 100,000 bees and get 2000 jars of honey a season"

"But aren't your bees terribly cramped!" exclaim the other two.

"Yeah, f**k 'em" he repiles.

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Postby sleightlycrazy » Dec 23rd, '06, 02:24

A scientist and a philosopher were being chased by a hungry lion. The scientist made some quick calculations, he said "it's no good trying to outrun it, its catching up". The philosopher kept a little ahead and replied " I am not trying to outrun the lion, I am trying to out run you!"

Copy/paste 8)

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Postby copyright » Dec 23rd, '06, 03:16

Here's a clean variation of a [very] old classic...


These guys are drinking in a bar one night as usual, when in walks a stranger who immediately shouts "All the drinks are on me - all night long!"

If this wasn't strange enough all the women in the bar immediately flock around the new guy. This wouldn't be so strange but this guy has an enormous orange on his shoulders instead of a head.

After a few drinks, one of the guys can't help himself and he goes up to the citrus-headed stranger and asks him how he ended up that way.

"Well," says the stranger, "I was walking on the beach one day when I came across a strange-looking lamp. When I picked it up and dusted off the sand a beautiful female genie popped out. She told me that as a reward for freeing her I could have three wishes. So immediately I wished for a wallet than never ran out of money and for every women in the world to be attracted to me."

"But what about your head?" asked the guy.

"Oh that," says the stranger "well I thought to myself, since I have the money and the women I may as well wish for something I've always wanted, a great big orange for a head - it's great isn't it!"

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Postby nakedmagic » Dec 23rd, '06, 03:33

The infamous Eagles joke was supposedly used at an English University as an intelligence test for freshmen - only the smart ones could get it. It is a genuine joke and you will know if you get it. Some people get it straight away, some after a few hours, most have to have it explained to them. So in some ways it is more of a puzzle than a joke.



Two climbers were climbing roped together in the Scottish Highlands.
They saw some eagles soaring above them.
Later the climbers slipped over the edge of a precipice and unfortunately plunged to their deaths.
Their souls left their mortal bodies and ascended to heaven.
As they rose they saw the same eagles and one soul cried out to them: "Ah - Eagles"
But the eagles, being polite, said nothing.



....




Think about it and get back to me :D

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