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Blapsing_Beard wrote:lol! classic! I'll post another long one later (a joke that is...why? what did you think I meant? ewwww! That's disgusting you sick sick sicko!)

i have work now

Sorry, but you reminded me...

What's long & hard & full of semen (seamen)? A submarine.

Do not get me wrong I loved michael jackson:



They where going to cremate him but enviromentalist said it is not good for the environment ot burn that much plastic....


Michael requested that he be melted down and turned into toys so that the kids can continue playing with him.


Headlines the next day read: Good new for Catholic Priests....Less competition.


Doctors are un aware of what killed michael.......they dont blame it on the sunshine....theyr not blaming it on the moonlight nor the good times....but they think it is somehting to do with the boogey.


Sorry Jacko R.I.P.

Anyone going to funeral at never land....it is open to the public obviousl t ofar for me. /

For decades, two heroic nude statues, one male and one female, faced each other in a city park, until one day an angel came down from heaven.

"You've been such exemplary statues," he announced to them, "That I'm going to give you a special gift. I'm going to bring you both to life for thirty minutes, in which time you can do anything you want." And with a clap of the hands, the angel brought the statues to life.

The two approached each other a bit shyly, but soon dashed for the bushes, from which shortly emerged a good deal of giggling, laughter, and shaking of branches.

Fifteen minutes later, the two statues emerged from the bushes, wide grins on their faces. "You still have fifteen more minutes," said the angel, winking at them.

Grinning even more widely the female statue turned to the male statue and said.

"Great! Only this time you hold the pigeon down and I'll **** on its head."

Elsewhere themagicwand wrote:True story - I was born in a nunnery. The Sisters of Mercy to be exact.

which reminded me of the story of the Holy Prostitutes....

A man is driving down a deserted stretch of highway when he notices a sign out of the corner of his eye....It reads:
SISTERS OF ST. FRANCIS HOUSE OF PROSTITUTION 10 MILES
He thinks this is a figment of his imagination and drives on without second thought....
Soon he sees another sign which reads:
SISTERS OF ST. FRANCIS HOUSE OF PROSTITUTION 5 MILES
Suddenly he begins to realize that these signs are for real and drives past a third sign saying:
SISTERS OF ST. FRANCIS HOUSE OF PROSTITUTION NEXT RIGHT
His curiosity gets the best of him and he pulls into the drive. On the far side of the parking lot is a stone building with a small sign next to the door reading:
SISTERS OF ST. FRANCIS

He climbs the steps and rings the bell. The door is answered by a nun in a long black habit who asks, 'What may we do for you my son?'
He answers, 'I saw your signs along the highway and was interested in possibly doing business....'
'Very well my son. Please follow me.' He is led through many winding passages and is soon quite disoriented. The nun stops at a closed door and tells the man, 'Please knock on this door.'
He does so and another nun in a long habit, holding a tin cup answers the door... This nun instructs, 'Please place $100 in the cup then go through the large wooden door at the end of the hallway.'

He puts $100 in the cup, eagerly trots down the hall and slips through the door pulling it shut behind him.

The door locks, and he finds himself back in the parking lot facing another sign:

GO IN PEACE.
YOU HAVE JUST BEEN SCREWED BY THE SISTERS OF ST. FRANCIS. SERVES YOU RIGHT, YOU SINNER.

What is the difference between Michael Jackson and a carrier bag? One is white, made out of plastic and is dangerous for kids to play with. The other is for your groceries.

Billy was watching TV. Next day Billy came down stairs & asked his dad "what's love juice" ?
His father looks horrified & tells Billy all about sex & why a woman gets wet.
Billy just sat there with his mouth open in amazement.
Dad asks "so what where you watching on TV ?
Billy replies "Wimbeldon"


A Scouser is driving through Liverpool with his dog in the passenger seat. A police car follows him for half a mile then puts on the siren and pulls him over. As the copper approaches the car he see's the scouser slapping his dogs head. He tells the scouser to wind his window down and asks him "why are you hitting the dog" ? The scouser replies, "The F***ing thing ate my tax disc"

I can't wait for CERN to fix their collider. Particle physics gives me a large hadron.

Tomo wrote:I can't wait for CERN to fix their collider. Particle physics gives me a large hadron.

No...Just no.

.

This made me chuckle

An emergency response operator receives a call.

"Hello emergency services, which service please?" The caller responds but the operator finds it difficult to hear over all the noise.
"Hello? Yes I was driving my truck around the farm when I hit a pig, it's stuck in my bull bars squealing and wriggling."
The operator thinks quickly, and speaking loudly so the farmer can hear over the noise. "Do you have a gun with you?"
"Yes," comes the reply. "I have one in the cab of my truck."
"Okay, take the shotgun and shoot the pig, it's best to put it out of it's misery."
"Sorry," says the farmer. "Did you say shoot the pig?"
"YES. SHOOT THE PIG."
The operator hears two blasts from the shotgun but still there's a loud whining noise.
"Did you miss I can still hear a loud whining?"
"Nope, the pigs dead but the sirens on his car are still on."

Coat. Got. Gone

which rock star used to go hunting endangered species?

bob marley and the whalers...

Though I have no real respect for anything Graham Norton has ever done, I did like these jokes (from listeners) heard whilst flicking past his fill-in show on Radio 2 yesterday:

What cheese would you use to lure a bear out of it's cave?

Camembert...

and, what cheese would you use to disguise a small horse?

Marscapone

how should a girl hold her liquor?

by the ears...

Tomo wrote:The local pet shop has become the latest victim of the recession. They've had to call in the retrievers.

The most powerful man on Earth is black, the best golfer on Earth is black, the fastest runner on Earth is black, and the fastest racing driver is black... Michael Jackson must be kicking himself.

Not really unless he has a special mechanism which allows his legs to "keep on moving"

IAIN wrote:how should a girl hold her liquor?

by the ears...

(although sad that my immediate response was "in an amniotic sac in her uterus." )