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At about 3am during a very heavy thunder storm a man and his wife were awakened by a loud pounding on their front door.

The man angrily gets up to answer it and there on the door step, completely sodden is drunken, desheveled stranger. The stranger, standing in the pouring rain, is asking for a push.

'Not a chance,' says the husband, 'it is
3:00 in the morning! And slamming the door, returns to bed.

'Who was that?' asked his wife.

'Just some drunk guy asking for a push,' he answers.

'Did you help him?' she asks.

'No, I did not, it is 3:00 in the morning and it is pouring rain out there!'

'Well, you have a short memory,' says his wife.

'Can't you remember about three months ago when we broke down, and those two guys helped us?

I think you should help him, and you should be ashamed of yourself!'

The man eventually does as he is told, gets dressed, and goes out into the pounding darkness.

He calls out through the pelting rain,
'Hello, are you still there?'

'Yes,' comes back the answer.

'Do you still need a push?' calls out the husband.

'Yes, please!' comes the reply from the dark.

'Where are you?' asks the husband, squinting through the storm.

"Over here" comes the reply, "on the swing".

Excellent, Mandrake!

There's a great show with that kind of joke on Radio 4 @ 6:30pm on Tuesdays called "Act Your Age". Thee pairs of comedians compete against each other for laughs. One's a pair of older club comics (the sort that don't get on telly any more), one is a pair of today's established performers, and one is a pair of newcomers. It's interesting to hear the old guard, and to hear some of the new talent coming through. All three teams are consistently hilarious, though.

A lion would never cheat on his wife..... but a Tiger Wood....

Why did the tiger get lost?
Because jungle is massive.

After Jimmy Carr

Did you hear the one about the wall?

I couldn't get over it

Lil C wrote:Did you hear the one about the wall?

I couldn't get over it

Oh don't talk to me about walls. I tried playing tennis against one, once.
It was *f*ing relentless.

Some from me:

Doctor implants a New Ear to a man.

Man: You idiot, you gave me a woman's ear

Doctor: It makes no difference

Man: It does,Now I hear everything

but understand nothing
-----------

A software engineer was smoking in office.

Girl says, Cant you see the warning, "smoking is injurious to health?"

To this the engineer says...We bother only about Errors not Warnings !!!!

THE LOVING HUSBAND

A man had two of the best tickets for the FA Cup Final. As he sits down, another man comes along and asks if anyone is sitting in the seat next to him..

"No", he says, "the seat is empty."

"This is incredible!" said the man, "who in their right mind would have a seat like this for the FA Cup Final, the biggest sporting event of the year, and not use it?"

He says, "Well, actually, the seat belongs to me. My wife was supposed to come with me, but she passed away. This is the first Cup Final we haven't been to together since we got married."

"Oh... I'm sorry to hear that. That's terrible. I guess you couldn't find someone else, a friend or relative or even a neighbour to take the seat?"

The man shakes his head....















"No. They're all at the funeral."

I can't believe that it's been so long since the previous post so here's one which I felt was very appropriate in view of all the threads and posts about Hypnotism... and I apologise in advance....

It was entertainment night at the Seniors' Centre. Claude the hypnotist
exclaimed: 'I'm here to put you all into a trance. I intend to hypnotise
each and every member of the audience.'

The excitement was almost electric as Claude withdrew a beautiful antique
pocket watch from his coat. The polished metal gleamed in the light.

Claude the hypnotist said: 'I want you each to keep your eyes on this
antique watch. It's a very special watch. It's been in my family for six
generations.'

He began to swing the watch gently back and forth while quietly chanting,
'Watch the watch, watch the watch, watch the watch...'

The crowd became mesmerised as the watch swayed back and forth, light
shimmering off its polished surface. Hundreds of pairs of eyes followed the
swaying watch, until suddenly it slipped from the hypnotist's fingers and
fell to the floor, shattering into a hundred pieces.

'Oh Sh1t!' said the hypnotist.

It took 3 days to clean up the Seniors' Centre.

You're wasted here

Man walks into a pub and the landlord greets him and asks what he'd like to drink.

In a barely audible voice, the man gruffly whispers "Pint of beer, please".

"I'm sorry," says the barman "I couldn't quite catch that"

"Pint of beer," whispers the man again.

"Pint of beer? Certainly sir!" The barman pulls the pint and hands it to the man "If you don't mind my asking," he says "Can I ask what's wrong with your voice?"

The man says nothing but opens his shirt at the neck to reveal a huge scar running from ear to ear.

"Blimey," says the barman "How did that happen?"

The man takes a sip from his drink and shakes his head sadly and just mutters the words "Falkland War"

"Falklands War?" Exclaims the barman "FALKLANDS WAR?? You keep your money in your pocket son. This country would be a far better place if we had more men like you. If it wasn't for my age and arthritis, I'd love to have been out there with you. Anything you want tonight - drinks are on the house!"

"Ah," whispers the man picking up his pint, "Muchos Gracias......"

Why did the baker have dirty hands?...

Because he needed a poo.

a man walks into a bar, orders twelve shots and starts drinking them one after the other as fast as he can. The barman asks "why so fast son?" the ?drinker? replies "you would to if you had what I've got" "oh and whats that?" "75 cents"

A man goes to the doctors. He says
"Doctor, this is really embarassing but... um... I have a strawberry stuck up my bum."
"A strawberry?!" says the doctor. "Well, take off your trousers and let's have a look shall we?" So the man does as he says and the doctor takes a look.

"Ah, no worries at all sir, I have some cream for that!"


My grandma told it to me, blame her.

Two old women sat on a park bench. All of a sudden, a man runs up to them, opens his raincoat and exposes himself.

One had a stroke, but the other wasn't quick enough.