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She reminds me of my mum

The pope was in New York for the inaguration of the new cathedral. Unfortunately his hotel was in the Bronx and well overslept and jet lagged he bolted out in the morning to get a cab, obviously with no great success.

When one finally pulled over the pontiff ripped the poor driver out, put him in the back seat, strapped him up and drove off, full speed, through redlights, parks, sidewalks until he was stopped by officer Johnson, great friend of the law.

Gobsmacked with who was in the car he thought it best to call HQ.
"Hi, Johnson here on 34th and 5th, just coaght a suspected speeder, but it is a bit of an akward situation"

"what" says the operator, "is it a vip?"
-"well I think I'd say it's more than that!!", goes the constable. "What, a congressman?" Nope! "Soo who the heck is it, the bloody president?"

"No" he says, to be honest I'm not entirely sure, but it's gotta be a real big-shot because he's got the pope as his chauffeur".......

OK, have to share this one. i was at a charity gig a while back teaching kiddies to juggle, and while there i got my face painted.
i came bounding (as one does when looking like a tiger) up to one of my friends and said "I'm.... A Tiger! grrr"
to which he replied (thankfully) "why the big pause?"
so i repeated "I'm... A tiger!" and put my hands up infront of him and made the best paws impression i could

(i kind of think he saw what joke was coming and went along with it but a couple of other people found it hilarious)

a snail goes up a set of stairs and knocks on a door. A person comes out and kicks the snail down. A week later, the man hears a knock on the door and opens it to see the snail,

"What do you want now?" he asks

The snail replies

"What was that for"


I THOUGHT IT WAS FUNNY, JEEZ GIVE ME A BREAK!

Lol

A man wakes up to find that theres is an ape on his roof. So he looks in the yellows, and sure enough there was ape removers.

So they arrive, and the house owner was curious as to what the remover was doing. He asks, and the ape remover hands him a shotgun, then says "Ima gun climb dis here ladder up there, i will knock the gorilla off the roof with this here bat, And this here pitbull is trained to bite the nuts of something that falls, itll bite the nuts, and sease the ape log enough to get in my truck"

So the man ask "whats the shot gun for?" (wait for it) "If i get knocked off, blast the mutt"

i didnt bring a coat

A tortoise is walking down the road when he gets mugged by a gang of snails. He goes to the police station to give his statement.

The police officer says 'What happened? Did you see any of their faces?'

The tortoise just looks at him and says 'Of course not, it all happened really fast.'

The latest Japanese invention, a camera with a shutter speed so quick it can get a picture of your wife with her mouth closed !!

A woman was shopping at her local supermarket where she selected:
A Litre of 2% fat milk,
A carton of eggs,
A Litre of orange juice,
A head of lettuce,
A can of coffee,
And one pack of bacon.

As she was unloading her items on the conveyor belt to check out, a
drunk standing behind her watched as she placed the items in front
of the cashier.

While the cashier was ringing up her purchases, the drunk calmly
stated, "You must be single."

The woman was a bit startled by this proclamation, but she was
Intrigued by the derelict's intuition, since she was indeed single.

She looked at her six items on the belt and saw nothing particularly
unusual about her selections that could have tipped off the drunk to
her marital status.

Curiosity getting the better of her, she said "Well, you know what,
you're absolutely correct. But how on earth did you know that?"

The drunk replied,
"'Cause you're ugly.

A school teacher was doing a study testing the senses of First year
schoolchildren, using a bowl of fruit Polos.

He gave all the children the same kind of Polo, one at a time, and asked
them to identify them by colour and flavour.

The children began to say:

"Red............cherry,"
"Yellow.........lemon,"
"Green..........lime,"
"Orange........orange."

Finally the teacher gave them all honey Polos. After eating them for a few
moments none of the children could identify the taste.

"Well," he said "I'll give you all a clue. It's what your mother may
sometimes call your father."

One little girl looked up in horror, spat hers out and yelled: "Oh My
God!!!! They're arse-holes!!"

Seven dwarfs approach the Pope. Dopey takes a step forward and asks,

"Do they have Nuns in Alaska?"

The Pope replies, "Yes".

The other 6 dwarfs say "Go on Dopey, ask the question"

Dopey asks, "Do they have black Nuns in Alaska?"

The Pope replies, "Why of course"

The 6 dwarfs say exceitedly, "Ask the question Dopey!"

Dopey takes a gulp and asks "Do they have midget Nuns in Alaska?"

The Pope answers "No"

The 6 dwarfs shout "Dopey shagged a penguin, Dopey shagged a penguin, Dopey shagged a penguin!"

Quotes:

"There are a number of mechanical devices which increase arousal in women. Chief among these is the Mercedes-Benz 380SL." --Lynn Lavner

"Sex is one of the nine reasons for reincarnation. The other eight are unimportant." --George Burns

"My mother never saw the irony in calling me a son-of-a-bitch." --Jack Nicholson

"Instead of getting married again, I'm going to find a woman I don't like and just give her a house." --Rod Stewart

How do you introduce your hamburger?

Meet Patty!

What's red and fluffy? Red fluff.

What's green and fluffy? Green fluff.

What's blue and fluffy?












Cold red fluff.

What's lame and not funny?

all the jokes about fluff.


Why was the rubber flying through the air?

it got pi**ed off!!!!

Not exactly a joke but I thought it worth posting here:

Does the statement,
"We've always done it like that"
ring any bells?

The US standard railroad gauge
(distance between the rails)
is 4 feet, 8.5 inches.
That's an exceedingly odd number.
Why was that gauge used?
because that's the way they built them in England,
and English expatriates built the US Railroads.

Why did the English build them like that?

Because the first rail lines were built by the same people who built the
pre-railroad tramways, and that's the gauge they used.

Why did "they" use that gauge then?

Because the people who built the tramways used the same jigs and tools
that they used for building wagons, which used that wheel spacing.

Okay! Why did the wagons have that particular odd wheel spacing?

Well, if they tried to use any other spacing, the wagon wheels would
break on some of the old, long distance roads in England , because
that's the spacing of the wheel ruts.

So who built those old rutted roads?

Imperial Rome built the first long distance roads in Europe (and England )
for their legions. The roads have been used ever since.

And the ruts in the roads?

Roman war chariots formed the initial ruts,
which everyone else had to match for fear of
destroying their wagon wheels.
Since the chariots were made for Imperial Rome ,
they were all alike in the matter of wheel spacing

The United States standard railroad gauge of
4 feet, 8.5 inches is derived from the
original specifications for an Imperial Roman war chariot.
And bureaucracies live forever.
So the next time you are handed a specification
and wonder what horse's ass came up with it,
you may be exactly right,
because the Imperial Roman army chariots were made
just wide enough to accommodate
the back ends of two war horses.

Now, the twist to the story

When you see a Space Shuttle sitting on its launch pad,
there are two big booster rockets attached
to the sides of the main fuel tank.
These are solid rocket boosters, or SRBs.
The SRBs are made by Thiokol at their factory at Utah.
The engineers who designed the SRBs
would have preferred to make them a bit fatter,
but the SRBs had to be shipped by train
from the factory to the launch site.

The railroad line from the factory happens
to run through a tunnel in the mountains.

The SRBs had to fit through that tunnel.

The tunnel is slightly wider than the railroad track,
and the railroad track, as you now know,
is about as wide as two horses' behinds.

So, a major Space Shuttle design feature
of what is arguably the world's
most advanced transportation system
was determined over two thousand years ago
by the width of a Roman horse's ass.

And you thought being a HORSE'S ASS wasn't important !