talkmagic.co.uk

A couple decide that they have to tighten their belts. She says, "you're spending £16 a week on 24 cans. That has to stop."

He replies, "hang on you're spending £28 a week on make-up!"

She replies, "yes, but that's to make me look lovely and attractive."

To which the guy replies, "That's what the f***ing beer was for!"

a policeman is driving down a busy motorway, when he spies a lady motorist steering with her knees whilst merrily knitting away...

he drives along side her and opens his window, and shouts across to her "OY! Pull over!"

she shouts back "NO! It's a scarf!"
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A mentalist is on a holiday in the countryside, and spies a farmer with his sheep...he walks up to him and says "ah, excuse me, if i were to tell you exactly how many sheep you have, can i keep one?"

the farmer laughs and agrees...

The mentalist concentrates for a second, then says "you have 86, plus 3 that are poorly back at your farm..."

"thats amazing! " says the farmer, spot on "you may take a sheep for that!"

So the mentalist does.

"oh hang on" says the farmer, "are you one of those Mentalist fellas?"

"why yes, yes i am...how did you know that?"

the farmer smiles and says "just put my dog down and clear off will you..."

i dont get that last one

Blapsing_Beard wrote:i dont get that last one

Me too lol

two penguins having a picnic one says"pass the salt"
the other answers"what do you think i am a type writer"

An egg and a sausage are in a frying pan. The sausage says "damn its hot in here" the egg replies "Ahh a talking sausage!!!"

Paddy Englishman, Paddy Irishman and Paddy Americanman are all at the top of the Empire state building when Paddy Americanman says "You know, recently they installed a forcefield around this building so you cant kill yourself if you jump or fall" both Paddy's call him a liar and so he offers to prove it which they accept. So out he jumps falls 20 stories and then goes round the building once and flies back up and into the room where Paddy Englishman and Irishman are standing amazed. Paddy Englishman then says I want a go and jumps out of the window to his death!!! Paddy Irishmans says "Superman your a bad B*&%$£* with drink on ye"

Okay, this is a two-parter, so bear with me...

Q: Where do you go to weigh a whale?
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A: A Whale Weigh Station!

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Q: Where do you go to weigh a pie?
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A: Somewhere over the rainbow!

Think about it.

Two skiers are on a chair lift heading to the top of the piste. One says to the other, 'I can't weight to get the the top and start zig-zagging all the way down the slarlem'.

His mate says, 'don't be silly, you don't zig zag, you zag zig. You've got to zag before you zig, otherwise your centre of balance will be all off, you'll lose control and end up with a broken leg or worse'.

'Where did you hear that?', asks the first, 'if you don't zig first, there's no hope that you're going to build up enough momentum to navigate the turns effectively. If you're going to zag-zig, you might as well stay on the nursery slopes for all the difference it'll make'.

And on they argue until the chair lift reaches tghe top of the slope. By the tipe they alight, the discussion has become quite heated, so they immediately turn to the first person they see.

'Excuse me', they say to a poor unsuspecting stranger', 'this argument has got out of hand, and we need your input. When you're on a slarlem like this one, do you zag before you zig, or do you zig before you zag?'.

'Don't ask me', the man says, 'I'm a tobogganist'.

'Well in that case', the first skier replies, 'I'll have twenty Marlborough Light and a box of matches please'.

From the brain of Emo Philips...

I was walking across a bridge one day, and I saw a man standing on the edge, about to jump off. so I ran over and said "stop! don't do it!"

"Why shouldn't I?" he said.

I said, "Well, there's so much to live for!"

He said, "Like what?"

I said, "Well...are you religious or atheist?"

He said, "Religious."

I said, "Me too! Are you christian or buddhist?"

He said, "Christian." I said, "Me too! Are you catholic or protestant?"

He said, "Protestant." I said, "Me too! Are you episcopalian or baptist?"

He said, "Baptist!" I said, "Wow! Me too! Are you baptist church of god or baptist church of the lord?"

He said, "Baptist church of god!"

I said, "Me too! Are you original baptist church of god, or are you reformed baptist church of god?"

He said, "Reformed baptist church of god!" I said, "Me too! Are you reformed baptist church of god, reformation of 1879, or reformed baptist church of god, reformation of 1915?"

He said, "Reformed baptist church of god, reformation of 1915!" I said, "Die, heretic scum", and pushed him off.

How do you put a gerrafe in a fridge?


open the door put in fridge, close door


how do you put an elephant in the fridge, take out the geraffe, put in elephant close door,




ok now another question, the king of the Beasts has called all the animals to him to meet his new son, who is missing and why??

Duh the Elephant of course, he is still in the fridge,



ok so you need to cross a River, its the home to some of the most deadly crocadiles ever, what should you do?


Just swim it, all the beasts are at the meeting with the king of the beasts,


(ok not a funny joke but one of the best ones i have ever seen with a stand up, he kept on coming back and doing the next bit)

Okay, lightbulb time...

How many roadies does it take to change a lightbulb?

One... two... two TWO two... one two...


How many therapists does it take to change a lightbulb?

One, but the lightbulb really has to want to change.


How many actors does it take to change a lightbulb?

One to change it and ten to say, 'that could be me up there!'


How many Vikings does it take to change a lightbulb?

Four - one to change it and three to sing the saga of the little lightbulb changer


How many hippies does it take to change a lightbulb?

One to change it and eight to share the experience.


How many Daily Mail readers does it take to change a lightbulb?

CHANGE??! NEVER!!!


How many art historians does it take to change a lightbulb.

Eleven. One to change the lightbulb, five to show earlier versions that influenced it, and five to say that the changing was actually done by the changers apprentice.


How many ska kids does it take to change a lightbulb?

Six, one to drop it and five to pick it up! pick it up! pick it up!


How many customer service representatives does it take to change a
lightbulb?

Five. One to incorrectly diagnose the problem, two to repeat the first rep's notes to the customer, and one to inform the customer that the lightbulb changing service is no longer available in that location.


How many Bush Administration officials does it take to change a light bulb?

None. There is nothing wrong with the light bulb; it's condition is improving every day. Any reports of it's lack of incandescence are
totally unfounded, and the result of delusional "spin" assaults from the fanatic, elitist, liberal media. That light bulb has served honorably, and anything you say undermines the lighting effect and dims it's ego. Why do you hate freedom?


How many Trotskyists does it take to change a lightbulb?

It's no use trying to CHANGE it, it's got to be SMASHED!!!


How many porn actresses does it take to change a light bulb?

Well, it looks like two of them are really doing it, but the real answer is actually none. They're just faking it.


How many folk singers does it take to change a lightbulb?

Four. One to change it and three to sing about how good the old one was.


How many fish does it take to change a lightbulb?

Surrealist.


How many Paul Daniels does it take to change a lightbulb?

None. And That's Magic!


How many punk rockers does it take to change a lightbulb?

Three. One to do it and two to argue about who did it first.


How many Freudians does it take to change a lightbulb ?

Two. One to hold the ladder and one to change the penis. Oops ! I mean, er, the lightbulb.


Erm... I think that's enough for now...

How many Emo kids does it take to change a light bulb?

Change a light bulb? they would rather sit in the dark and cry!

What do you get if you play country & western music backwards?

You get your wife back, your dog back, your car back, your job back, your bother gets out of jail...

How many social Workers does it take to change a light bulb?

None but they are releasing a booklet called "Coping with Darkness"

there are 10 kinds of people in this world
those that understand binary and those that don't