talkmagic.co.uk

What's the difference between marbles and babies?

You can't load marbles onto a truck with a pitchfork.

Actually, on the classic line of babies...
In some peaceful surburbia, a midwife is going to visit a newborn baby. This midwife has been so impressed with the husband, he has been possibly the best husband ever. He's supported his wife through the pregnancy, made her feel loved and cherished, he was there holding her hand through every step of the birth, he cut the umblical cord and proudly carried the cot home to an already fully decorated nursery room, painted in a beautiful blue with a little border of footballs on the day they found out it was a boy.

She knocks on the door of the house, and the mother opens the door. "Come in" she says, "he's just upstairs bathing the baby." Aw! Of course he is. Perfect.
The midwife creeps up the stairs, not wanting to overly disturb this bonding moment. She peeps in, and does a double take...
The father has his two fingers up the baby's nose, and is using them to hold the poor child while he swishes him around in the water.
"Stop! Stop!" the midwife yells, "you don't bath a baby like that!"

The Dad looks up, puzzled, and says "You do when the water's this hot..."



And finally, my current favourite joke, gleaned from the book "Rule of Four"...

A man walks into a bar, stark naked and with a duck on his head. The barman says, "hmm... there's something different about you tonight, George."


The duck says "Harry, you wouldn't believe me if I told you."

Did you hear about the Crab that went to a nightclub?

He pulled a muscle

I haven't read all 12 pages but here's one, you might have to read it outloud to make sense.

There were 3 men in hell with the devil.

An English Man
An American
A Jamaican

The devil gives them a task, if they complete it they can go to heaven.

"If you can make me a bacon sandwhich, I will allow you to go to heaven"

The English Man goes to the fridge, takes out a piece of bacon, puts it in some bread, presents it to the devil.

"Yes, very good" , Sends him to heaven.

The American goes to the fridge takes out a piece of bacon, puts it in some bread, presents it to the devil.

"Excellent!" says the devil, sends him to heaven to

Finally the Jamaican. He goes to the fridge, there is no more bacon left, so he takes a can of beer, puts it in some bread, presents it to the devil.

"What the hell is that! Thats not a bacon sandwhich"

The Jamaican replies "Yes it is! It a Beer-Can Sandwich!"

......
......

K[/i]

Just read the whole thread, some classics in there, very good.

BUT that damn stick joke has been repeated 3 times!!

you mean


Whats Brown and Sticky??


A Twiglet covered in Glue!

(ok ok its a stick but that gets boring)


A man walks in to a bar...ouch...its an iron bar!

Here's an oldie:

Three engineers form Rockwell International were in a car driving along the road when suddenly the engine stopped for no apparent reason. Having managed to steer safely to the side of the road they realised that none of them had any breakdown insurance. Being engineers, they decided to use their brains and figure things out for themselves. 'I'm a Mechanical Engineer' said the first guy, 'and I'm sure that all we have to do is find a loose pipe or manifold leak and we'll solve the problem'. 'No, no no', said the second guy, 'I'm an Electrical Engineer and I'm convinced that we need to look for a broken wire or blown fuse and the problem will be solved'. 'Sorry guys, said the third man,' I'm a Software Engineer and I know that all we have to do to solve this is close all the Windows and come out, then go back in, open all the Windows and everything will be fine'!

Two young boys walked into a pharmacy one day, picked out a box of Tampax and proceeded to the check-out counter.
The man at the counter asked the older boy, "Son, how old are you?"
"Eight", the boy replied.
The man continued, "Do you know how these are used?"
The boy replied, "Not exactly, but they aren't for me. They are for my brother; he's four.
We saw on TV that if you used these you would be able to swim and ride a bike. He can't do either one."

A ham sandwich walks in to a bar and the barman says "Get out, we don't serve food".

A man walks into the doctor with a stick of celery in one ear, a carrot in the other and a biscuit up his nose. "Doctor what's wrong with me" asks the man. "That's simple," replies the doctor, "You're not eating properly"

A man was driving and hit a bull. He goes to the farm house and the farmers wife opens the door. He explains to her that he hit her bull and that he wanted to replace it. "Ok," said the farmers wife, "The cows are round the back"

May have been posted already...I can't read through all those pages. Lenny Henry told them last night on some show I watched.

Anti american joke coming up! (well anti bush )

While visiting England, George Bush is invited to tea with the Queen. He asks her what her leadership philosophy is. She says that it is to surround herself with intelligent people. He asks how she knows if they're intelligent.

“I do so by asking them the right questions,” says the Queen. “Allow me to demonstrate.”

She phones Tony Blair and says: “Mr. Prime Minister. Please answer this question: Your mother has a child, and your father has a child, and this child is not your brother or sister. Who is it?”

Tony Blair responds, “It's me, ma'am.”

“Correct. Thank you and good-bye, sir,” says the Queen. She hangs up and says, “Did you get that, Mr. Bush?”

“Yes ma'am. Thanks a lot. I'll definitely be using that!”

Upon returning to Washington, Bush decides he'd better put the Chairman of the Senate Foreign Relations Committee to the test. He summons Jesse Helms and says, “Senator Helms, I wonder if you can answer a question for me.”

“Why, of course, sir. What's on your mind?”

“Uhh, your mother has a child, and your father has a child, and this child is not your brother or your sister. Who is it?”

Helms hems and haws and finally asks, “Can I think about it and get back to you?”

Bush agrees, and Helms leaves and immediately calls a meeting of other senior Republican senators, and they puzzle over the question for several hours, but nobody can come up with an answer. Finally, in desperation, Helms calls Colin Powell at the State Department and explains his problem.

“Now lookee here, son, your mother has a child, and your father has a child, and this child is not your brother or your sister. Who is it?”

Powell answers immediately, “It's me, of course, you dumb cracker.”

Much relieved, Helms rushes back to the White House and exclaims, “I know the answer, sir! I know who it is! It's Colin Powell!”

And Bush replies in disgust, “Wrong, it's Tony Blair”

A woman walks into the vet's surgery with a small box with holes in it. Weeping slightly, she asks to see the vet.
After a long wait, she's finally led into the vet's room, where she opens the box and takes out a rather limp and cold duck.

"Please take a look at my duck, it's very unwell."

The vet takes a quick look, but needs not do much investigation, as the diagnosis is self-evident...

"Sorry, madam, but it would seem your duck is dead, and has been for quite a while. It's cold and lifeless."

Totally shocked, the woman replies:

"It was fine when I arrived, but I've been in your waiting room for 15 minutes, anything could have happened! I demand a second opinion!"

The vet, looking at the dead duck and then back to the woman, presses an intercom button and asks "Please, send in Bruno to my surgery..."

Moments later, a large labrador dog enters the surgery.

"This is Bruno, madam. He's here to give your second opinion."

The vet looks at the labrador and gestures to the duck... with this, the stands on it's hind legs and puts it's paws either side of the duck and sniffs at the carcase. Then licks. Then nudges the duck with it's nose.

Finally, the dog goes back onto all fours, looks at the vet and lets out a small whine, followed by a definate shake of it's head, before finally leaving the room.

"Well" says the vet, "It seems that Bruno's quite sure the duck is dead too. Sorry!"

The woman looks puzzled, before exclaiming "How can I trust a dog? I want another opinon!"

The vet once again presses the intercom button, and says "Please, send in Ursula to my surgery..."

Within a minute, an elegant Siamese cat slinks into the surgery. The vet indicates towards the duck, and the cat jumps onto the table and begins sniffing the duck from beak to webbed-toe. Then prodding. Then licking.

Finally, with a shake of the and a definate sorrowful miaow, the cat leaves the room.

"Well, that's as good as it gets, the duck is quite dead madam."

The disgruntled woman gives in, and puts the lifeless duck back into the box and leaves. At the reception, the receptionist hands her an invoice. The woman is shocked...

"£150 to tell me my duck is dead? Is this a joke?" she screams.

"Well madam", the receptionist responds, "If you'd have taken the vets' word for it, you'd have only been charged £15."

The woman, in quite a rage, screams "So where does the other £135 come from???".

Quite calmly, the receptionist replies...

"£80 for the Lab report and £55 for the Cat scan"

here is a joke with no pounch line..........

two drums and a cymble fall down the stairs

ba-dum tshhhh

THANKSGIVING DIVORCE

An elderly man in Phoenix calls his son in New York and says,
"I hate to ruin your day, but I have to tell you that your mother
and I are divorcing; forty-five years of misery is enough".

"Pop, what are you talking about?", the son screams.

"We can't stand the sight of each other any longer", the old man says.
"We're sick and tired of each other, and I'm sick of talking about this,
so you call your sister in Chicago and tell her". And he hangs up.

Frantic, the son calls his sister, who explodes on the phone.

"Like heck they're getting a divorce", she shouts. "I'll take care of this".

She calls Phoenix immediately, and screams at the old man,
"You are NOT getting divorced, Don't do a single thing until I get there.
I'm calling my brother back and we'll both be there tomorrow.
Until then don't do a thing, DO YOU HEAR ME??" And she hangs up.

The old man hangs up his phone, smiles and turns to his wife.
"They're coming home for Thanksgiving, and paying their own way."

Woman goes into the Docs office for advice on implants.

Women: Doc, I'd like to have larger b_____ts.
Doc: You know, instead of plastic surgery, we have a new pill that helps with groth. Take these hormone pills home with you. Take one a day for one week and come back to see me.

one week passes by-
Women: Doc, I just don't see anything happpening. They aren't growing!
Doc: Keep taking one pill a day and come see me in another weeks time.

Another week passes by-
Women: I think I feel something odd, but still not seeing results
Doc: Come back and see me in another week. Remember- one pill a day.

half a week passes by-
Women wakes up and notices a difference. Excited about this, she down the full bottle.

She goes back to the doc at the end of the week-
Women: DOC! I Have a huge problem!!
Doc: what seems to be the problem?
Women: I have Hair GROWING ON MY CHEST!
Doc: How far down does it go?
Women: All the way down to MY DI_K! - AND THAT'S ANOTHER THING I WANT TO TALK TO YOU ABOUT!

ba-bum!tshhh.

A piece of string walks into a pub. The barman say' i cant serve you, youre a piece of string'!. A second piece of string walks into the pub. The barman says' i cant serve you, your a piece of string'. The string says 'No im a frayed knot!'

Bill Gates dies and goes to heaven. An angel takes him to the street where he will live. Its a broken down shack made out of old wood. Next door is a 10 bedroom mansion where the Captain of the Titanic lives. Bill Gates says to the Angel 'i have created a computer system that has revolutionised the lives of millions of people and he has killed hundreds of people. Why does he get this?' The angel replies 'At least the Titanic only crashed once.....'

This joke is based in the old wild west....

A sherriff walks into a saloon. He says to the barman 'have you seen brown paper bag pete?'. The barman says 'No, what does he look like?'. The sheriff says 'he wears brown paper bag trousers and a brown paper bag shirt'. The barman says 'What is he wanted for?'

The sheriff says 'rustling...'