talkmagic.co.uk

You are my hero Mandrake (No, sorry, that's Wayne Dobson ) what a great line

Ok, i have to translate it from Dutch, so hope i don't screw up.


There are 3 members of TalkMagic who get the change to be invited to the Secrets Area (Restricted Access), but first they have to answer a question to prove themselves worthy.

The first member gets a PM from a moderator with the question: "It's black and you can walk on it". He thinks for a long time and sends a PM back with the question: "Does it have anything to do with shoelaces ?" He gets a PM back with "yes". He quickly replies: "Then it's a shoe !"

This member gets access to the secret area and he sends a PM to the other 2 members saying: "Don't know for sure, but he asked me something about a shoe to get access. Keep that in mind, it might help you".

The moderator now sends a PM to the next member who might get access to the secret area with the question: "Its brown and you can walk on it". Remembering the tip about the shoe from the other member he quickly sends back a PM: "Are there any shoelaces involved ?". He also gets a PM back with "Yes", so he PM's back :"Then it's a shoe !"

This member also gets access and he sends a PM to the last member: "He just asks everything about shoes, whatever he asks, the answer is shoe!"

The moderator now send a PM to the last member with the question: "It's white, hangs on the wall, has numbers on it and ticks". This last members, knowing about the shoe questions, doesn't need to think a bit and sends a PM back immediately: "Are there any shoelaces ?". This time the moderator sends a PM back with "No". As a reply he gets a PM with: "Than its a sandal !"

Ok, i adapted this joke to the site, we used to tell it at school to the teachers, but then there were 3 teachers who might get an promotion. This one is adaptable to any situation. (if i translated it a bit correctly that is)

If you wrap bacon around a brillo pad do you get the way to ham-a-brillo

Q: what's good for a hangover?
A: Drinking heavily the night before...

A college student needed a small two-hour course to fill his schedule and the only one available was wildlife Zoology.After one week, a test was held.The professor passed out a sheet of paper divided into four squares.In each square was a carefully drawn picture of a bird's legs. No bodies, no feet, just legs.The test asked each student to identify the birds from their legs.The student sat and stared at the test getting angrier every minute.Finally he stomped up to the front of the classroom and threw the test on the teacher's desk."This is the worst test I have ever given."Â The teacher looked up and said: "Young man, you have flunked the test. What's your name?"The student pulled up his pant to the knee showing his legs and said: "You tell me...."

You Need To Have A Bad Day To Get Into Heaven

It got crowded in heaven, so, for one day it was decided only to accept people who had really had a bad day on the day they died. St. Peter was standing at the pearly gates and said to the first man, "Tell me about the day you died."

The man said, "Oh, it was awful. I was sure my wife was having an affair, so I came home early to catch her with him. I searched all over the apartment but couldn't find him anywhere. So I went out onto the balcony, we live on the 25th floor, and found this man hanging over the edge by his fingertips. I went inside, got a hammer, and started hitting his hands. He fell, but landed in some bushes. So, I got the refrigerator and pushed it over the balcony and it crushed him. The strain of the act gave me a heart attack, and I died."

St. Peter couldn't deny that this was a pretty bad day, and since it was a crime of passion, he let the man in.

He then asked the next man in line about the day he died. "Well, sir, it was awful," said the second man. "I was doing aerobics on the balcony of my 26th floor apartement when I twisted my ankle and slipped over the edge. I managed to grab the balcony of the apartment below, but some maniac came out and started pounding on my fingers with a hammer. Luckily I landed in some bushes. But, then the guy dropped a refrigerator on me!"

St. Peter chuckled, let him into heaven and decided he could really start to enjoy this job.

"Tell me about the day you died?", he said to the third man in line.

"OK, picture this, I'm naked, hiding inside a refrigerator...."

An explorer walked into a clearing and was surpised to see a pigmy
standing beside a huge dead elephant.

"Did you kill that ?" he asked.

The pigmy answered "Yes".

"How could a little bloke like you kill something as huge as that"?

"I killed it with my club" replied the pigmy.

"That's amazing" said the explorer "How big's your club"

The pigmy replied : "There's about 150 of us"

Really bad one:

Q: What do you say to a man who's trying to steal your gate?

A: Nothing 'cos he might take offence.

awful

Q: How many members of U2 does it take to change a lightbulb?

A: Just Bono, he holds it up and the whole world revolves around him.

Donald Rumsfeld briefed the President this morning. He told Bush that 3 Brazilian soldiers had been killed in Iraq.

To everyone's amazement, the colour drained from Bush's face and he collapsed onto his desk, head in hands, visibly shaken and whimpering.

Finally, Bush composed himself and asked Rumsfeld, "Just exactly how many is a brazillion?"

This isnt really "clean" but I laughed so hard I had to post it.. my apologies if its not allowed

One day a young man and woman were in their bedroom making love. All of a sudden a bumble bee entered the bedroom window. As the young lady parted her legs the bee entered her vagina.
The woman started screaming "Oh my god, help me, there's a bee in my vagina!"
The husband immediately took her to the local doctor and explained the situation.
The doctor thought for a moment and said "Hmm, tricky situation. But I have a solution to the problem if young sir would permit."
The husband being very concerned agreed that the doctor could use whatever method to get the bee out of his wife's vagina.
The doctor said "OK, what I'm gonna do is rub some honey over the top of my penis and insert it into your wife's vagina. When I feel the bee getting closer to the tip of my penis I shall withdraw it and the bee should hopefully follow my penis out of your wife's vagina."
The husband nodded and gave his approval.
The young lady said "Yes, Yes, whatever, just get on with it."
So the doctor, after covering the tip of his penis with honey, inserted it into the young lady's vagina.
After a few gentle strokes, the doctor said, "I don't think the bee has noticed the honey yet. Perhaps I should go a bit deeper."
So the doctor went deeper and deeper. After a while the doctor began shafting the young lady very hard indeed. The young lady began to quiver with excitement. She began to moan and groan aloud. The doctor, concentrating very hard, looked like he was enjoying himself, he then put his hands on the young lady's breasts and started making loud noises.
The husband at this point suddenly became very annoyed and shouted, "Now wait a minute! What the Hell do you think you're doing?"
The doctor, still concentrating, replied, "Change of plan. I'm gonna drown the b@stard!"

This one has a funny ending

Once upon a time, there was a young boy, and this young boy was having
his 10th birthday. His father thinking that it was an important day for
his young lad, said to him, 'You can have anything that you want for
your birthday'.
The boy thought and thought. Finally, he said to his pop, "Dad, I want a
green golf ball." The man was surprised a bit, but decided to humour his son.
And so, the boy recieved 1 green golf ball for his 10th birthday.

On this boy's 13th birthday, when he hit his teens, the father once again
walked up to the boy, and told him what he had before. The boy thought. And
thought. Finally, he said, "Dad, I want 10 green golf balls." Now, the father
was slightly curious about this, and he almost asked his son why. But then he
decided that it was just youthfulness, and left it at that.

Upon graduating from High School, the boy was once again given that same
offer by his father. He thought and thought and thought. Finally, he went up
to his old man and said, "Dad, I want 100 green golf balls." Now, the father
was very curious about this, and asked his son, finally, why he wanted the
balls. The boy just said, "Dad! It's a secret!" The father backed down, and got
the boy his balls.

When the boy graduated from college, his father once again offered him anything
he wanted. Once again, the boy thought. Once again, the boy walked up to his
father. He said, "Dad, I want 1000 green golf balls." The father decided that
the boy knew how to live his life. But still he asked, "Why, son? Why do you
want these green golf balls?" And once again, the boy said,"It's a secret,
Dad!"

And then came the war. And the boy volunteered himself for his country. And
when he came back in one piece, his father said, "Son, I will get you anything
that you want!" And the boy thought. And thought. And he said, "Dad, I want
10,000 green golfballs." And the father could not hold back his question any
longer. "Why? Why, son? Why do you need these green golf balls?" And the son
looked at thim, and he said,"Dad, now, I told you that it was a secret. Please
don't make me tell you." And the father backed off.

The boy got married. His father walked up to him, and offered him anything he
would want on this joyous occasion. The boy thought and thought and thought.
And thought. And, finally, he said,"Dad... I want 100,000 green golf balls..."
And the father, keeping calm, asked why. Why the boy wanted so many green golf
balls. And all the boy could do was look at his father, and say,"It's a
secret." And the father kept silent.

Then, tragedy struck. There was a car accident. The boy was mortally injured.
And the father went to see the son in his final hour. And he asked his son if
there was anything he could get him. And the son whispered,"Father... Please
get me 1,000,000 green golf balls..." And the father almost wept. He said,"Son,
please tell me why you want these green golf balls..." And the son looked at
his father, and he said, "Alright, dad the reason i wanted those golf balls is because..."

Then he died

I went to the butcher's the other day. I said to the butcher, "Butcher, I bet you £50 you can't reach the beef on the top shelf."

The butcher paused for a second, thought about it, then replied,

"No, the stakes are too high."

Read it out loud...

a guy wakes up in hospital and the doctors say's "Do you want good news or bad news first"

"Bad news", says the guy so the Dr says "We had to cut you legs off!"

"Blimey, what's the good news?" said the guy

"Well, the man in the next bed wants to buy your slippers!" Says the Dr

This DJ wakes up in hospital after a terrible car crash. The doctor tells him that he's been in surgery for hours with internal injuries but that he's going to live. "Tell me, doctor," asks the DJ. "Will I still be able to play the gramophone?"