talkmagic.co.uk

A man walks in to a bar - he got six stiches

whats blue and fluffy? blue fluff

Whats pink amd fluffy? blue fluff in disguise

Whats green hard and sits in a corner? a frog with a flick knife

Whats brown and looks in your window a nosy ....whoops cant do that one

what steals soap fromm the bathroom? Robber ducks

Ive loads but most arnt suitable for this forum

A Bear walks into a bar, and says to the barman,

"may i have....................................................a drink?"

and the barman says,

"what's with the big pause?"

One for the metal fans...

Q: How do Metallica like their toast?
A: Buttery! Buttery! BUT-TER-Y!

An Elvis impersonator died in a cake factory, he fell in the gateau

How does the Tommy Cooper impersonator start his car?....Just like that!

I saw "Neil Hamburger - America's Funnyman" over the weekend. He's probably the most offensive thing I've ever seen. Inept, drunk, disgusting, and very very funny indeed.

Do policemen listen to music on iPlods?

You ever seen Bernard Manning? He was totally offensive and I have to admit i liked him.

What about the late great Lenny Bruce? Way ahead of his time.

To quote the great man himself

"I won't say ours was a tough school, but we had our own coroner. We used to write essays like: What I'm going to be if I grow up."

"I hate small towns because once you've seen the cannon in the park there's nothing else to do. "

lenny bruce/bill hicks/richard pryor/peter cook - genius...my favourites..

Peter Cook was the greatest comedian of all time. Did you ever see him on Clive Anderson pure genius. I have a bit of derek and clive from years ago brilliant though my mum found one and listened to it and tanned me backside something fierce when i was a kid.

How about Emo Philips?

"I love to go down to the schoolyard and watch all the little children jump up and down and run around yelling and screaming...They don't know I'm only using blanks."

"At my lemonade stand I used to give the first glass away free and charge five dollars for the second glass. The refill contained the antidote."

...and always remember the last words of my grandfather, who said "A TRUCK!"

derek and clive get the horn is pure class

Cliff Richard visits a nursing home to host a sing-a-long but is surprised to discover that nobody recognises him. He takes a old lady aside and asks her "Do you have any idea who I am?" to which she replies "Sorry dear but if you ask one of the nurses they'll tell you"

My mother is a lollipop lady. By that I mean she has a very thin body and a big red round sticky head

Man goes to the Doctor and say's "doctor i keep wanting to wear tight leather pants, and sing sex bomb"

The Dr says "you have Tom Jones Disease" The man says "it is rare"

"ThE Dr says "well it is not unusal!"

What's brown and sticky?
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A stick



What's stiff and excites women?
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Elvis



I'll get my coat

As the new James Bond film, Casino Royale, nears release date, I've just heard that they're doing a remake of an old Bond film but with a lot of influence from all the recent and forthcoming magic related films.

It'll be called The Living D'Lites .