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A man walks into a bar. He sits down and asks the barman for a triple whiskey. The barman says 'Boy, you must have had a hard day.' 'I have' said the man. 'I just found out that my brother is gay'.

The next day, the same man goes into the bar and asks for the same drink. The barman says 'Whats wrong today?' The man says 'I just found out that my other brother is gay'.

The next day, the same man goes into the bar and asks for the same drink. The barman says 'Let me guess, someone else in you family is now gay'. The man says 'Yeah, apparently my son is also gay'.

The next day the man is back again and the barman say 'Oh, man isnt there anyone in your family except you that like women?'. The man says 'Yes, apparently my wife....'

A piece of road and a piece of motorway walk into a bar and order a couple of pints.

"See me," says the piece of road, "I'm well 'ard I am. People walk on me, mums with pushchairs, bikes, cars, you name it."

"You? Hard?" says the piece of motorway with a snort of derision. "Don't make me laugh! You ain't hard. Now, I'm hard. I get cars, ten ton trucks, tanks. Don't talk to me about pushchairs!"

So, the barman is thinking to himself: "Better watch myself with these two. They could be trouble."

A couple of minutes later a pink piece of tarmac comes in, minces up to the bar and orders a babycham. Sipping his babycham he turns to the piece of road and piece of motorway and says "You two are the biggest tossers I ever met. I wouldn't p*ss on you if you were on fire," chucks the rest of his drink over them and waltzes out.

"What's going on?" asks the barman. "I've just heard you two saying how hard you were and that pink piece of tarmac walked all over you."

"Yeah, were 'ard, mate" replies the piece of motorway, "but he's a cycle path."

A chocolate M&M and a peanut M&M walk into a bar and order a couple of pints.

"See me," says the chocolate M&M, "I'm well 'ard, I am. If I go down the wrong way I can choke you something nasty, I can."

"You? Hard?" says the peanut M&M with a snort of derision. "Don't make me laugh! You ain't hard? Now, I'm hard. People can go into anaphylactic shock if they eat me! Don't talk to me about choking."

So, the barman is thinking to himself: "Better watch myself with these two. They could be trouble."

A couple of minutes later a polo comes in, minces up to the bar and orders a babycham. Sipping his babycham he turns to the M&M's and says "You two are the biggest tossers I ever met. I wouldn't p*ss on you if you were on fire," chucks the rest of his drink over them and waltzes out.

"What's going on?" asks the barman. "I've just heard you two saying how hard you were and that polo walked over you."

"Yeah, we're 'ard, mate," replies the peanut M&M, "but he's menthol."

Double groan......

Why are blonde jokes so short?
So that men can remember them.


Why does it take 1 million sperm to fertilize one egg?
They don't stop and ask for directions.


Why is it difficult to find men who are sensitive, caring and good looking?
They already have boyfriends.

Lady of Mystery wrote:Why are blonde jokes so short?
So that men can remember them.

I just nearly choked on me bagel!

i cant believe how sexist Lady of Mystery is being!

why shouldnt women buy watches?
cos there's a perfectly decent clock in the kitchen...

How do you confuse a man?
You don't have to, they're born that way

What is a man's view of safe sex?
A padded headboard.

Lady of Mystery wrote:What is a man's view of safe sex?
A padded headboard.

I think you'll find, young lady, that the answer is "give a false name..."

two woman go to court, both arguing that the other destroyed plants on their side of the house. their still bickering in court, when the judge decides to put a stop to it. he says "i'll here form the oldest woman first" the trial was dismissed for lack of testimony

why did the female mentalist stare at the orange juice carton for 12 hours solid? cos it said on the side of the carton "CONCENTRATE"...

HOW TO IMPRESS A WOMAN
Wine her,
Dine her,
Call her,
Hug her,
Hold her,
Surprise her,
Compliment her,
Smile at her,
Laugh with her,
Cry with her,
Cuddle with her,
Shop with her,
Give her jewelry,
Buy her flowers,
Hold her hand,
Write love letters to her,
Go the end of the earth and back again for her.

HOW TO IMPRESS A MAN
Show up naked,
Bring beer.

...many a true word spoken in jest Lady of Mystery...

though im certainly not suggesting that women are over-complicated or anything...

abraxus wrote:...many a true word spoken in jest Lady of Mystery...

though im certainly not suggesting that women are over-complicated or anything...

or that I was suggesting that men are shallow and unromantic

i wouldnt say unromantic...shallow, yes...

or rather, just more honest... im sure you ladies enjoy a good-looking fella, just as much as we appreciate a beautiful woman...

it's just that we gawp blatantly...its only after our shins are replaced with sheets of metal that we learn to do it on the sly...like women do...