brilliant!Have you got a joke (clean) worse than mine!
Moderators: nickj, Lady of Mystery, Mandrake, bananafish, support
by magicmonkey » Feb 16th, '07, 11:54
I used to have adhd but i thought of something better to do.
The other day I was out on my motor bike and pulled into a parking spot. I didn't notice that it was a disabled bay.
Over came a traffic warden and he said "you can't be disabled riding a bike. Where's your disabled badge?"
"don't have one" says I.
"So what's your disability then?" said he.
"tourettes now F*?! off you w*!~@?" said me!
apologies mods, close to the edge I know, but I love that one....the amount of people that ask if I really said that!
The other day I was out on my motor bike and pulled into a parking spot. I didn't notice that it was a disabled bay.
Over came a traffic warden and he said "you can't be disabled riding a bike. Where's your disabled badge?"
"don't have one" says I.
"So what's your disability then?" said he.
"tourettes now F*?! off you w*!~@?" said me!
apologies mods, close to the edge I know, but I love that one....the amount of people that ask if I really said that!
not a fan of sigs, so I won't bother adding o..... oh
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magicmonkey - Senior Member
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by Lady of Mystery » Feb 20th, '07, 11:19
24 THINGS THAT MAKE YOU FEEL LIKE A MAN
1, OPENING JARS - nnnnngg, she's struggling. You take it from her hands, open it effortlessly and pretend she loosened it for you. She didn't. Jars are men's work.
2, CALLING SOMEONE 'SON' - Especially policeman but even saying it to kids makes you the man.
3, DOING A PROPER SLIDE TACKLE - Beckham free kicks? Gay. A Stuart Pearce tackle is the pinnacle of the game, simultaneously winning the ball and crippling the man. Magic.
4, SHARPENING A PENCIL WITH A STANLEY KNIFE - Blunt, is it? Hand it here love. No, I don't need a sharpener, you think I can't whittle.
5, GOING TO THE TIP - A manly act which combines driving, lifting and - as you thrillingly drop your rubbish into another huge pile of other rubbish - noisy destruction.
6, DRINKING UP - Specifically, rising from the table, slinging your coat on and downing two thirds of a pint in one fluid movement. Then nodding towards the door, saying, "Let's go" and striding out while everyone else struggles to catch up with you. God, you're hard.
7, HAVING A THIN BIT OF WOOD - in the shed, solely to stir paint with.
8, HAVING A SCAR - Ideally it'll be a facial knife wound, but even an iron burn on the wrist is good. "Ooh, did it hurt". "Nah".
9, HAVING A HANGOVER AND THICK STUBBLE - When birds have been partying they just whinge. You, on the other hand have physical evidence of your hardness, sprouting from your face. "Big night?" "Grr, what does it look like!"
10, NODDING AT COPPERS - A moments eye contact is all it takes for you to share the unspoken bond. "We've not seen eye to eye in the past", it says, "but someone's got to keep the little scrotes in line".
11, USING POWER TOOLS - slightly more powerful than you need or can safely handle. Pneumatic drilling while smoking a fag? Superb.
12, KICKING A FOOTY AGAINST A GARAGE DOOR - Clang-g-g-g-g-g-! Stitch that, Becks, I kick so hard I set off car alarms.
13, ARRIVING IN A PUB LATE... and everyone cheers you. It doesn't mean you're popular, it just means your mates are p***ed. However, the rest of the pub doesn't know that.
14, NOT WATCHING YOUR WEIGHT - fat is a feminist issue, apparently. Brilliant. Pass the pork scratchings.
15, CARVING THE ROAST - and saying "are you a leg or breast man" to the blokes and "do you want stuffing" to the women. Congratulations, you are now your dad.
16, WINKING - turns women to putty. Doesn't it?
17, TEST SWINGING HAMMERS - ideally, B&Q would have little changing rooms with mirrors so you could see how rugged you look with any DIY item. Until then, we'll make do with the aisles.
18, TAKING OUT £200 FROM A CASHPOINT - okay, so its for paying the plumber later but with that much cash you feel like a mafia don. The only thing better is peeling notes off the roll later.
19, PHONE CALLS THAT LAST LESS THAN A MINUTE - unlike birds, we get straight to the point. "alright? Yep. Drink? Red Lion? George, it is then. Seven. See ya."
20, PARALLEL PARKING - bosh, straight in. first time. Can Schumacher do that? No, because his cars got no reverse gear which, technically, makes you the world's best driver.
21, HAVING EARNED THAT PINT - Since the dawn of time, men have toiled in the fields in blistering heat. Why? So, when it's over we can stand there in silence, surveying our work with one hand resting on the beer gut while the other nurses a foaming jug of ale. Aaaah.
22, HAVING SOMETHING PROPERLY WRONG WITH YOU - especially if you didn't make a fuss. "Why was I off, oh nothing much, just third-degree burns"
23, KNOWING WHICH SCREWDRIVER IS WHICH - "a Phillips? For that? Are you mad, bint?"
24, TAKING A NEWSPAPER INTO THE LOO - a visual code that says that's right, I'm going in there for a huge, long man-sized sh*t.
1, OPENING JARS - nnnnngg, she's struggling. You take it from her hands, open it effortlessly and pretend she loosened it for you. She didn't. Jars are men's work.
2, CALLING SOMEONE 'SON' - Especially policeman but even saying it to kids makes you the man.
3, DOING A PROPER SLIDE TACKLE - Beckham free kicks? Gay. A Stuart Pearce tackle is the pinnacle of the game, simultaneously winning the ball and crippling the man. Magic.
4, SHARPENING A PENCIL WITH A STANLEY KNIFE - Blunt, is it? Hand it here love. No, I don't need a sharpener, you think I can't whittle.
5, GOING TO THE TIP - A manly act which combines driving, lifting and - as you thrillingly drop your rubbish into another huge pile of other rubbish - noisy destruction.
6, DRINKING UP - Specifically, rising from the table, slinging your coat on and downing two thirds of a pint in one fluid movement. Then nodding towards the door, saying, "Let's go" and striding out while everyone else struggles to catch up with you. God, you're hard.
7, HAVING A THIN BIT OF WOOD - in the shed, solely to stir paint with.
8, HAVING A SCAR - Ideally it'll be a facial knife wound, but even an iron burn on the wrist is good. "Ooh, did it hurt". "Nah".
9, HAVING A HANGOVER AND THICK STUBBLE - When birds have been partying they just whinge. You, on the other hand have physical evidence of your hardness, sprouting from your face. "Big night?" "Grr, what does it look like!"
10, NODDING AT COPPERS - A moments eye contact is all it takes for you to share the unspoken bond. "We've not seen eye to eye in the past", it says, "but someone's got to keep the little scrotes in line".
11, USING POWER TOOLS - slightly more powerful than you need or can safely handle. Pneumatic drilling while smoking a fag? Superb.
12, KICKING A FOOTY AGAINST A GARAGE DOOR - Clang-g-g-g-g-g-! Stitch that, Becks, I kick so hard I set off car alarms.
13, ARRIVING IN A PUB LATE... and everyone cheers you. It doesn't mean you're popular, it just means your mates are p***ed. However, the rest of the pub doesn't know that.
14, NOT WATCHING YOUR WEIGHT - fat is a feminist issue, apparently. Brilliant. Pass the pork scratchings.
15, CARVING THE ROAST - and saying "are you a leg or breast man" to the blokes and "do you want stuffing" to the women. Congratulations, you are now your dad.
16, WINKING - turns women to putty. Doesn't it?
17, TEST SWINGING HAMMERS - ideally, B&Q would have little changing rooms with mirrors so you could see how rugged you look with any DIY item. Until then, we'll make do with the aisles.
18, TAKING OUT £200 FROM A CASHPOINT - okay, so its for paying the plumber later but with that much cash you feel like a mafia don. The only thing better is peeling notes off the roll later.
19, PHONE CALLS THAT LAST LESS THAN A MINUTE - unlike birds, we get straight to the point. "alright? Yep. Drink? Red Lion? George, it is then. Seven. See ya."
20, PARALLEL PARKING - bosh, straight in. first time. Can Schumacher do that? No, because his cars got no reverse gear which, technically, makes you the world's best driver.
21, HAVING EARNED THAT PINT - Since the dawn of time, men have toiled in the fields in blistering heat. Why? So, when it's over we can stand there in silence, surveying our work with one hand resting on the beer gut while the other nurses a foaming jug of ale. Aaaah.
22, HAVING SOMETHING PROPERLY WRONG WITH YOU - especially if you didn't make a fuss. "Why was I off, oh nothing much, just third-degree burns"
23, KNOWING WHICH SCREWDRIVER IS WHICH - "a Phillips? For that? Are you mad, bint?"
24, TAKING A NEWSPAPER INTO THE LOO - a visual code that says that's right, I'm going in there for a huge, long man-sized sh*t.
Foodie chat and recipes at https://therosekitchen.wordpress.com/
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Lady of Mystery - Senior Moderator
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by Lawrence » Feb 20th, '07, 11:27
Lady of Mystery wrote:big ass list she mustv'e copied and pasted from an e-mail
it's funny because it's true.
ok, my one....
What does DNA stand for?
...
National Dyslexics Association
(it's not big and it's not clever...)
Custom R&S decks made to specification - PM me for details
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Lawrence - Veteran Member
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by seige » Feb 20th, '07, 12:32
St. George is preparing for battle with the Dragon.
He's heard rumours of the Dragon's firebreathing, and dresses accordingly, protecting his head, arms and chest with clay armour.
As George strolls towards the Dragon, armoured up and sword in hand, the Dragon rears up...
"Stand down, mighty beast, or feel the wrath of my sword!" St George cries
With an almost effortless sweep, the Dragon's spiny tail whips towards George. Because of the immense weight of the fire-retardent clay aromour, George is unable to move quickly enough, and the Dragon's tail swipes beneath George and cleanly cuts off both his legs. In a great fiery roar, the Dragon speaks:
"You, human, are no match for me. Be gone, or I will wipe you from this world"
George manages to scramble to his horse, and in writhing agony drags himself up to the saddle and rides away.
Weeks later, after recovery, the vengeful George prepares once more for valiant battle with his foe. This time, fearing the tail, George plates himself with a gown of chain armour, topped with shiny metal plates—in the hope the tail's blows will glance clean off his arms and torso. And so, dragging himself to the horse, he rides off again to the lair of the beast.
As George drops from his horse and drags himself along the ground, the Dragon appears from his lair. George props himself upright on his stumps, and shouts:
"Dragon, be gone from these lands, or face my wrath!"
The Dragon looks down upon George, and with ease cranes its neck down and bites off George's head, spitting it out across the dusty ground.
"How dare you challenge me" the Dragon says, "Cease your efforts, or you will perish"
George's horse picks up the still twitching head by the hair, and takes it back to the village.
After another two weeks of recovery, George's rather diminished form declares to the King: "Sire, even though my legs and body are gone and failed, I still have the power of speech to face my foe. Perhaps my threats of violence fuelled the rage of the beast, then perhaps our foe will respond to more diplomatic negotiations?"
And so, the King arranged a special saddle to be made to contain the remains of George on the journey to the Dragon, and George's bonce is loaded in.
Upon arrival at the lair, George approaches on horseback to the mouth of the cave where the beast sleeps.
"Dragon—I do not sneak up on foot, as you relieved me of my legs. I cannot hold a sword to you as you relieved me of arms and torso. But you leave me with my mind and voice, and I ask of you only this... LEAVE THIS VILLAGE OR FEEL THE WRATH"
The Dragon appears, wearily. He takes one look at the depleted form of George, and speaks:
"Sir, I suggest you quit while you are still a head"
He's heard rumours of the Dragon's firebreathing, and dresses accordingly, protecting his head, arms and chest with clay armour.
As George strolls towards the Dragon, armoured up and sword in hand, the Dragon rears up...
"Stand down, mighty beast, or feel the wrath of my sword!" St George cries
With an almost effortless sweep, the Dragon's spiny tail whips towards George. Because of the immense weight of the fire-retardent clay aromour, George is unable to move quickly enough, and the Dragon's tail swipes beneath George and cleanly cuts off both his legs. In a great fiery roar, the Dragon speaks:
"You, human, are no match for me. Be gone, or I will wipe you from this world"
George manages to scramble to his horse, and in writhing agony drags himself up to the saddle and rides away.
Weeks later, after recovery, the vengeful George prepares once more for valiant battle with his foe. This time, fearing the tail, George plates himself with a gown of chain armour, topped with shiny metal plates—in the hope the tail's blows will glance clean off his arms and torso. And so, dragging himself to the horse, he rides off again to the lair of the beast.
As George drops from his horse and drags himself along the ground, the Dragon appears from his lair. George props himself upright on his stumps, and shouts:
"Dragon, be gone from these lands, or face my wrath!"
The Dragon looks down upon George, and with ease cranes its neck down and bites off George's head, spitting it out across the dusty ground.
"How dare you challenge me" the Dragon says, "Cease your efforts, or you will perish"
George's horse picks up the still twitching head by the hair, and takes it back to the village.
After another two weeks of recovery, George's rather diminished form declares to the King: "Sire, even though my legs and body are gone and failed, I still have the power of speech to face my foe. Perhaps my threats of violence fuelled the rage of the beast, then perhaps our foe will respond to more diplomatic negotiations?"
And so, the King arranged a special saddle to be made to contain the remains of George on the journey to the Dragon, and George's bonce is loaded in.
Upon arrival at the lair, George approaches on horseback to the mouth of the cave where the beast sleeps.
"Dragon—I do not sneak up on foot, as you relieved me of my legs. I cannot hold a sword to you as you relieved me of arms and torso. But you leave me with my mind and voice, and I ask of you only this... LEAVE THIS VILLAGE OR FEEL THE WRATH"
The Dragon appears, wearily. He takes one look at the depleted form of George, and speaks:
"Sir, I suggest you quit while you are still a head"
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seige - .
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What's pink and fluffy?
by Marvell » Feb 20th, '07, 12:59
Q: What's pink and fluffy?
A: Pink fluff.
Q: What's red and fluffy?
A: Pink fluff with sub burn.
Q: What's green and fluffy?
A: Pink fluff that feels sick.
Q: What's blue and fluffy?
A: Pink fluff holding its breath.
Q: What is grey and fluffy?
A: Dead pink fluff.
Q: What's red, yellow, orange and fluffy?
A: Pink fluff on fire.
Q: What's black and crispy?
A: Pink fluff after the fire's gone out.
A: Pink fluff.
Q: What's red and fluffy?
A: Pink fluff with sub burn.
Q: What's green and fluffy?
A: Pink fluff that feels sick.
Q: What's blue and fluffy?
A: Pink fluff holding its breath.
Q: What is grey and fluffy?
A: Dead pink fluff.
Q: What's red, yellow, orange and fluffy?
A: Pink fluff on fire.
Q: What's black and crispy?
A: Pink fluff after the fire's gone out.
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Marvell - Advanced Member
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by Farlsborough » Feb 20th, '07, 13:58
Lady of Mystery wrote:20, PARALLEL PARKING - bosh, straight in. first time. Can Schumacher do that? No, because his cars got no reverse gear which, technically, makes you the world's best driver.
That one is especially true. At the beginning of this year I upgraded from a tiny fiesta to a vectra estate, but perfectly swinging it in to spaces meant for a normal length car still makes me feel like The King.
- Farlsborough
by Lady of Mystery » Feb 20th, '07, 14:46
Farlsborough wrote:That one is especially true. At the beginning of this year I upgraded from a tiny fiesta to a vectra estate, but perfectly swinging it in to spaces meant for a normal length car still makes me feel like The King.
My boyfriend does pretty much all the things on that list and then walks around with a smug grin for at least an hour afterwards because of it.
Foodie chat and recipes at https://therosekitchen.wordpress.com/
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Lady of Mystery - Senior Moderator
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by Hemphandle » Feb 21st, '07, 23:30
http://www.fortunecity.co.uk/olympia/hornblower/102/pizza.html
..esp 34 and 83!
http://ourworld.compuserve.com/homepages/nagorski/roommate.htm
One day, Pete complained to his friend, "My elbow really hurts. I guess I should see a doctor." His friend said, "Don't do that. There's a computer at the drug store that can diagnose anything quicker and cheaper than a doctor. Simply put in a sample of your urine, and the computer will diagnose your problem and tell you what you can do about and it will only costs you $10.00."
Pete figured he had nothing to lose, so he filled a jar with a urine sample and went to the drug store. Finding the computer, he poured in the sample and deposited the $10.00. The computer beeped and whirred and out popped a receipt:
1. You have tennis elbow... you need to rest your arm.
That evening while thinking how amazing this new technology was and how it would change medical science forever, he began to wonder if this computer could be fooled. He decided to give it a try. He mixed together some tap water, a stool sample from his dog, and urine samples from his wife and daughter. To top it off, he cracked one off on top. He went back to the drug store, located the computer, poured in the sample and deposited the $10.00.
Again the machine beeped and whirred and popped out a receipt:
1. Your tap water is too hard... you need to get a filter
2. Your dog has got worms... take him to a vet.
3. Your daughter is on drugs... get her into rehab.
4. Your wife is pregnant... Get a lawyer.. it's not yours.
And if you don't stop masturbating, your tennis elbow is never going to get any better.
..esp 34 and 83!
http://ourworld.compuserve.com/homepages/nagorski/roommate.htm
One day, Pete complained to his friend, "My elbow really hurts. I guess I should see a doctor." His friend said, "Don't do that. There's a computer at the drug store that can diagnose anything quicker and cheaper than a doctor. Simply put in a sample of your urine, and the computer will diagnose your problem and tell you what you can do about and it will only costs you $10.00."
Pete figured he had nothing to lose, so he filled a jar with a urine sample and went to the drug store. Finding the computer, he poured in the sample and deposited the $10.00. The computer beeped and whirred and out popped a receipt:
1. You have tennis elbow... you need to rest your arm.
That evening while thinking how amazing this new technology was and how it would change medical science forever, he began to wonder if this computer could be fooled. He decided to give it a try. He mixed together some tap water, a stool sample from his dog, and urine samples from his wife and daughter. To top it off, he cracked one off on top. He went back to the drug store, located the computer, poured in the sample and deposited the $10.00.
Again the machine beeped and whirred and popped out a receipt:
1. Your tap water is too hard... you need to get a filter
2. Your dog has got worms... take him to a vet.
3. Your daughter is on drugs... get her into rehab.
4. Your wife is pregnant... Get a lawyer.. it's not yours.
And if you don't stop masturbating, your tennis elbow is never going to get any better.
- Hemphandle
- Junior Member
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- Location: www
by Farlsborough » Feb 21st, '07, 23:44
Lady of Mystery wrote:My boyfriend does pretty much all the things on that list and then walks around with a smug grin for at least an hour afterwards because of it.
It's not you're job to be cynical, it's your job to swoon and be incredibly impressed by every feat of manliness he demonstrates
Also, please add to the list: smoking a cigar
- Farlsborough
by Anubis » Mar 2nd, '07, 22:34
okey...
What do you do if you see a spaceman...PARK IN IT MAN!
...yeah...c*** (not the best)...i know lol
An American, An Englishman and a Scot are in the suna...
All of a sudden they hear a "ring ring" coming from the american."oh yeah i got my cell phone implanted into my ear! Really Awesome!"
"cool!" say the other two and carry on relaxing...
Then after a while a "brrr brrr" sound comes from the Englishman."oh yes i got my pager implanted into my wrist.Really excellent!"
"cool!" say the others.
Now the Scot is feeling just a little left out so he gets out and goes to the bathroom and puts some toilet paper on his backside. When he comes back the Englishman and the American look up at him in wonder..."what's that coming out of your ass?"
"oh look!" replies the Scot "I'm recieving a fax!"
lol he he
What do you do if you see a spaceman...PARK IN IT MAN!
...yeah...c*** (not the best)...i know lol
An American, An Englishman and a Scot are in the suna...
All of a sudden they hear a "ring ring" coming from the american."oh yeah i got my cell phone implanted into my ear! Really Awesome!"
"cool!" say the other two and carry on relaxing...
Then after a while a "brrr brrr" sound comes from the Englishman."oh yes i got my pager implanted into my wrist.Really excellent!"
"cool!" say the others.
Now the Scot is feeling just a little left out so he gets out and goes to the bathroom and puts some toilet paper on his backside. When he comes back the Englishman and the American look up at him in wonder..."what's that coming out of your ass?"
"oh look!" replies the Scot "I'm recieving a fax!"
lol he he
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Anubis - Junior Member
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by lozey » Mar 3rd, '07, 01:38
Farlsborough wrote:How many kids with ADHD does it take to change a lightbulb?
Let's go play on bikes!
Or 'lets smash things with hammers!' in my brothers case
(C, AH)
If you have a quality,let it define you no matter what it is-Doug Bradley
If you have a quality,let it define you no matter what it is-Doug Bradley
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lozey - Advanced Member
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Re: Have you got a joke (clean) worse than mine!
by Matt Charming » Mar 3rd, '07, 02:14
Hello all
I went in hospital last week because I ate a daffodil bulb thinking it was an onion bulb but the doctor said do not worry you be out bye spring
_____________________________________________________
it aint what you do its the way that you do in...Happyy Magic
I went in hospital last week because I ate a daffodil bulb thinking it was an onion bulb but the doctor said do not worry you be out bye spring
_____________________________________________________
it aint what you do its the way that you do in...Happyy Magic
- Matt Charming
by Mandrake » May 29th, '07, 22:43
Dragging an old post back to life...
HAVING MOM OVER FOR DINNER!
You don't even have to be a mother to enjoy this one...
Brian invited his mother over for dinner. During the course of the meal, Brian's mother couldn't help but notice how beautiful Brian's roommate,
Jennifer, was. Brian's Mom had long been suspicious of a relationship between Brian and Jennifer, and this had only made her more curious.
Over the course of the evening, while watching the two interact, she started to wonder if there was more between Brian and Jennifer than met the eye. Reading his mom's thoughts, Brian volunteered, "I know what you must be thinking, but I assure you Jennifer and I are just roommates."
About a week later, Jennifer came to Brian saying, "Ever since your mother came to dinner, I've been unable to find the beautiful silver gravy ladle. You don't suppose she took it, do you?"
Brian said, "Well, I doubt it, but I'll send her an e-mail just to be sure. So he sat down and wrote:
Dear Mom:
I'm not saying that you "did" take the gravy ladle from the house, I'm not saying that you "did not" take the gravy ladle. But the fact remains that one has been missing ever since you were here for dinner.
Love,
Brian
Several days later, Brian received an email back from his mother that read:
Dear Son:
I'm not saying that you "do" sleep with Jennifer, I'm not saying that you "do not" sleep with Jennifer. But the fact remains that if Jennifer was sleeping in her own bed, she would have found the gravy ladle by now.
Love,
Mom
LESSON OF THE DAY - NEVER LIE TO YOUR MOTHER
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