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I loved those mandrake

Some choice Chubby Brown jokes I received in an email, edited of course...

Bloke walks into a pub and asks for a pint of anything except Stella. Barman asks, "What's wrong with Stella?" Bloke says, "I had 12 pints of Stella last night and when I came round I was f***ing skint."
Barman says, "12 pints of anything costs about the same."
Bloke replies, "Skint's my dog."

I bought the wife a Memory Stick, it's great!
She hasn't forgotten my beer, dinner or sex once since the first beating.

A geordie and a Yank aid worker are helping out in japan
Yank says, "You from round here, buddy?"
"No," he replies, "newcastle"
"What State's that in?" asks the Yank.
"Pretty much the same as this bloody place!

My neighbour knocked on my door at 2:30am this morning, can you believe that 2:30am?!Luckily for him I was still up playing my Bagpipes.

I saw a poor old lady fall over today on the ice!! At least I presume she was poor - she only had £1.20 in her purse.

I was explaining to my wife last night that when you die you get reincarnated but must come back as a different creature. She said i would like to come back as a cow. I said your obviously not listening.

I was in Waterstones yesterday and I said to the guy behind the counter, ‘Do you have any books on Pygmies?’ The guy looked at me and replied, ‘No, Sir, we keep all our books on shelves.’

How do you make a tortoise fast?

Stop feeding it.

There's just been an accident on the m25 involving a lorry carrying snooker equipment

The cues are going back for miles

Although I do actually like this joke

Thats almost as good as the old 'A lorry full of viagra has been stolen ! The police are looking for hardened criminals'

Which reminds me that the local old folks home gives Viagra with the late night cocoa to all the men in their care. Apparently it's to stop them rolling out of bed.....

jon_kent wrote:Thats almost as good as the old 'A lorry full of viagra has been stolen ! The police are looking for hardened criminals'

I'm guessing if caught they'll get stiff penalties...

An American friend of mine told me she'd met a transvestite from Greater Manchester recently.
Apparently he had a Wigan address.





(True story.)

When people with lisps say "Bithneth", you know they mean business.


I told a mate I'd just spent a weekend in Poole.
He asked "in Dorset"?
I said "Oh yes, I'd recommend it to anyone"

I'm not feeling very well, I keep thinking I used to be a TV chat show host but now advertise life assurance for old folks. I think I may have Parkinson's......

I'm going on a two day workshop on reincarnation this weekend. It's costing me two grand but, hey - you only live once.

My mother-in-law is so fat, when she fell down the stairs I thought Eastenders had started,

I've just sat there watching Fatima Whitbread, in a skimpy bikini, having a shower under a jungle water fall and thought to myself, please don't get an erection........but she did.

Thought I'd scare the postman today by going to the door naked...

...not sure what scared him more, my naked body or the fact I knew where he lived.

Chuck Norris doesn't want to conform to your idea of seperate threads for different topics so he's punched his way into this one!