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Lady of Mystery wrote:ahhh if there's one phrase I hate more than anything it's, 'yes, dear'. There a good chance of me throwing something very heavy if that's said to me.

yes, dear.


come on, it's the stand "I know I'm right, I just can't be arsed to argue with you because you're a woman and by definition are stubborn and irrational and won't concede, so I'm going to let you believe that you're right until you come to the conclusion on your own that you're not and have to admit that I was right in the first place"
saying "yes dear" is just easier

Markdini wrote:Yes Dear.

Yeah, I might've been later, but I was funnier

Lawrence wrote:

Markdini wrote:Yes Dear.

Yeah, I might've been later, but I was funnier

Yes dear....

Lady of Mystery wrote:ahhh if there's one phrase I hate more than anything it's, 'yes, dear'. There a good chance of me throwing something very heavy if that's said to me.

How do you feel about the phrase, 'Certainly, O Magnificent One'?

Male or Female?
You might not have known this, but a lot of non-living objects are actually either male or female. Here are some examples:

ZIP-LOK BAGS: They are male, because they hold everything in, but you can see right through them.

PHOTOCOPIERS: These are female, because once turned off; it takes a while to warm them up again. They are an
effective reproductive device if the right buttons are pushed, but can also wreak havoc if you push the wrong Buttons.

TYRES: Tyres are male, because they go bald easily and are often over inflated

HOT AIR BALLOONS: Also a male object, because to get them to go anywhere, you have to light a fire under their butt.

SPONGES: These are female, because they are soft, squeezable and retain water.

WEB PAGES: Female, because they're constantly being looked at and frequently getting hit on.

TRAINS: Definitely male, because they always use the same old lines for picking up people.

EGG TIMERS: Egg timers are female because, over time, all the weight shifts to the bottom.

HAMMERS: Male, because in the last 5000 years, they've hardly changed at all, and are occasionally handy to have around.

THE REMOTE CONTROL: Female. Ha! You probably thought it would be male, but consider this: It easily gives a man pleasure,
he'd be lost without it, and while he doesn't always know which buttons to push, he just keeps trying

===============================================

WHY CONDOMS COME IN BOXES OF 3, 7 & 12

A man walks into the Supermarket with his 8-year old son.
They happen to walk by the condom display, and the boy asks. 'What are
these, Dad?

To which the man matter-of-factly replies, 'Those are called Condoms,
son. Men use them to have safe sex. 'Oh I see,' replied the boy. 'Yes, I've heard of safe sex in health class at School'
He looks over the display and picks up a package of 3 and asks, 'Why are there 3 in this package?' The dad replies,
'Those are for the French, one for Friday, one for Saturday, and one for Sunday.' 'Cool' says the boy.
He notices a 6 pack and asks,'Then who are these for?' 'Those are for Italians the dad answers, 'Two for Friday, two for Saturday,
and two for Sunday.' 'WOW!' exclaimed the boy, 'then who uses THESE?' he asks, Picking up a 12 pack. With a sigh and a tear
in his eye, the dad replied,
'Those are for the British. One for January, one for February, one for March.......'

===============================================

THE FROG
An older lady was somewhat lonely and decided she needed a pet to keep her
company so off to the pet shop she went. She searched and searched. nothing
seemed to catch her interest, except for an ugly frog in a jar. As she walked by the jar
she looked and he winked at her.

He whispered , 'I’m lonely too, buy me and you wont be sorry.' The lady figured--what the heck, she hadn't found anything else
so she bought the frog and put him in the car.

Driving down the road the frog whispered to her 'kiss me and you wont be
sorry.' so the old lady figured what the heck, and kissed the frog. Immediately the frog turned into an absolutely gorgeous sexy
young handsome prince.

The prince then kissed the lady back..........and guess what she turned into?

come on guess?

ooooooohhhhhhh come onnn

come onnnn

She turned into the first motel she could find.

She's an older lady.......not a dead one !!!!!

Errrr.... just a really small point Mandrake.

Aren't these jokes supposed to be clean?

Sure are funny though

Indeed they are but if you look through the mass of back postings you'll see that just sometimes, we lean a teeny weeny bit over the dividing line ! (Actually, some of the ones we had to remove had bulldozed their way right through the line and into uncharted territory of downright filthy!)

Mandrake wrote:Indeed they are but if you look through the mass of back postings you'll see that just sometimes, we lean a teeny weeny bit over the dividing line ! (Actually, some of the ones we had to remove had bulldozed their way right through the line and into uncharted territory of downright filthy!)

And you deleted them?


Shame that. I love a good filthy joke...

EckoZero wrote:And you deleted them?

I may have, er, taken back up copies first - just for the records, you understand and in no way connected with my forthcoming publication, 'Mandrake's Monumental Moments of Mirth and Muck'...

He said . . . I don't know why you wear a bra; you've got nothing to put in it .
She said .. . You wear pants don't you?

He said .. . .Shall we try swapping positions tonight ?
She said . . That's a good idea - you stand by the
ironing board while I sit on the sofa .

He said . . .. What have you been doing with all the grocery money I gave you ?
She said . Turn sideways and look in the mirror !

On a wall in a ladies room . .. 'My husband follows me everywhere.'
Written just below it, 'I do not .'

Q. How many honest, intelligent, caring men in the world does it take to do the dishes ?
A. Both of them .

Q. How does a man show that he is planning for the future ?
A. He buys two cases of beer .

Q. What is the difference between men and government bonds ?
A. The bonds mature .

Q. Why are blonde jokes so short ?
A. So men can remember them .

Q How many men does it take to change a roll of toilet paper ?
A. We don't know; it has never happened .

Q. Why are married women heavier than single women ?
A. Single women come home, see what's in the fridge and go to bed. Married women come home, see what's in bed and go to the fridge .

Q. What is the one thing that all men at singles bars have in common ?
A. They're married .


Man says to God: 'God, why did you make woman so beautiful ?'
God says: 'So you would love her .'
But God,' the man says , 'why did you make her so dumb ?'
God says: 'So she would love you .'

===============================================

And in celebration of Mothering Sunday on March 3rd in the UK:

25 REASONS I OWE MY MOTHER

1. My mother taught me TO APPRECIATE A JOB WELL DONE .
'If you're going to kill each other, do it outside. I just finished cleaning.'

2. My mother taught me RELIGION.
'You better pray that will come out of the carpet.'

3. My mother taught me about TIME TRAVEL .
'If you don't straighten up, I'm going to knock you into the middle of next week!'

4. My mother taught me LOGIC.
' Because I said so, that's why.'

5. My mother taught me MORE LOGIC.
'If you fall out of that swing and break your neck, you're not going to the store with me.'

6. My mother taught me FORESIGHT.
'Make sure you wear clean underwear, in case you're in an accident.'

7. My mother taught me IRONY
'Keep crying, and I'll give you something to cry about.'

8. My mother taught me about the science of OSMOSIS.
'Shut your mouth and eat your supper.'

9. My mother taught me about CONTORTIONISM.
'Will you look at that dirt on the back of your neck!'

10. My mother taught me about STAMINA.
'You'll sit there until all that spinach is gone.'

11. My mother taught me about WEATHER.
'This room of yours looks as if a tornado went through it.'

12. My mother taught me about HYPOCRISY.
'If I told you once, I've told you a million times. Don't exaggerate!'

13. My mother taught me the CIRCLE OF LIFE.
'I brought you into this world, and I can take you out.'

14. My mother taught me about BEHAVIOR MODIFICATION.
'Stop acting like your father!'

15. My mother taught me about ENVY.
'There are millions of less fortunate children in this world who don't have wonderful parents like you do.'

16. My mother taught me about ANTICIPATION.
'Just wait until we get home.'

17. My mother taught me about RECEIVING .
'You are going to get it when you get home!'

18. My mother taught me MEDICAL SCIENCE.
'If you don't stop crossing your eyes, they are going to freeze that way.'

19. My mother taught me ESP.
'Put your sweater on; don't you think I know when you are cold?'

20. My mother taught me HUMOR.
'When that lawn mower cuts off your toes, don't come running to me.'

21. My mother taught me HOW TO BECOME AN ADULT .
'If you don't eat your vegetables, you'll never grow up.'

22. My mother taught me GENETICS.
'You're just like your father.'

23. My mother taught me about my ROOTS.
'Shut that door behind you. Do you think you were born in a barn?'

24. My mother taught me WISDOM.
'When you get to be my age, you'll understand.'

25. And my favorite: My mother taught me about JUSTICE
'One day you'll have kids, and I hope they turn out just like you. '

Mandrake wrote:He said .. . .Shall we try swapping positions tonight ?
She said . . That's a good idea - you stand by the
ironing board while I sit on the sofa .

Somewhat like the old one that goes, "You should beat your wife. You should beat her to the ironing. You should beat her to the vacuuming. You should beat her to the washing up", etc.

One of the funniest feminist jokes is another oldie, "What do you call the useless bit of skin at the end of a penis?". The answer is, of course, "A man".

what do you call a flock of sheep rolling down a hill?



A ....

(really sorry about this)....


.....Lambslide




Don't worry, I already have my coat on and the cab's on its way

magicmonkey wrote:what do you call a flock of sheep rolling down a hill?



A ....

(really sorry about this)....


.....Lambslide




Don't worry, I already have my coat on and the cab's on its way

I likkkkkkke

I have a couple of simple ones:

What's green and loud?
A Frog Horn

Why do girls wear make-up and perfume?
Because they're ugly and they smell!

What's the difference between a lorryful of beer-kegs and a lorryful of babies?
You can't unload beer-kegs with a pitch-fork.

Pardon me for not reading 23 pages of bad jokes before posting this, I hope it hasn't been told yet.

What do you call a piano falling down a mine shaft?

A Flat Minor


Did you hear about the guy who got cut in half?


Only half is left, but don't worry, he's all right now..